Do you find some things difficult to do?

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When I first started full time care for my mum I brought in and paid for carers to give her a bath but they did such a shoddy job I stopped them coming - no point in having a dog and barking yourself is there. HOWEVER I found it incredibly difficult to physically touch my mum - its not something we ever did I had never been kissed by her in my living memory and I found that awful too. So you can imagine (or not if you're the insensitive sort) how distasteful I found it to have to clean her nether regions or lift her breasts up to wash and dry under them. Made worse because it was almost as though she sensed my disgust and wanted me to cream her lower groin area or put petroleum jelly around the anal area. I gritted my teeth, donned the obligatory surgical gloves, did it and went up and vomited - I couldn't help it. At one point I wanted to commit suicide rather than do this and when she got an impacted bowel and doctors would not come out (I live in UK so things are slightly different here) I had to manually disimpact her and that was gross. Time marches on though and now 2 years on I can manage to do it without disgust; the feelings of hopelessness have gone but I am known to my family as the mutterer for when it all gets a bit much I mutter terrible obscenities as I walk out the door. Mum doesn't know and I feel so much better for the mutterings. I won't ever say them out loud and they are unprintable here but suffice it to say ffs happens to be the most likely one.

Do i feel guilty? I used to ... now I accept that it is my way of coping and I though I ought to share it on here. Don't get me wrong I love my mum I just don't like her but then we have never liked each other and when I was little she always said she wished my brother had lived and I had died. Odd how 58 years on I would so love to remind her of those words but of course I won't.
Then today through her grumpiness and vile temper she said to me noone else could care for me like you do...So I made a joke and said am I that bad? No she said you are just like the daughter I always wanted not like the one I got. That will teach me to fish for compliments!!!!


Jude, what you wrote is a reason that I set a limit on not bathing my parents. We have never been a huggy family. I can't remember a kiss ever passing. My parents wouldn't even hug or exchange loving words with each other. I knew that taking care of their personal hygiene was not something I would be comfortable doing. It is one of those tasks that someone else can be paid to do. This is not a shortcoming in me. It is just how they raised me, so I don't feel guilty at all about it.
I've always told my mom "I draw the line at the waist" and I have held to that! I do not ever want to ddo any bathing or toilet help. I have helped her dress, wash hair, makeup, teeth, ears, eyes, fingernails, toenails, and knee issues, but I refuse to do anything with a naked bottom.....and she knows it. We sort of have some modesty in our family and nobody intrudes on anyone in the bathroom. Other families might be OK but not ours. For the bowel impaction--is there any stool softer medicine that would eliminate that (sorry for the pun).
Sorry peeps I am going to vent:- I have to say I hate dementia with a passion. And what is moire I really hate the way it makes me feel about my mum periodically. I KNOW she has always been a vile person and I KNOW dementia only exaggerates her best and worse traits but yesterday she really really took the biscuit. So much so that I actually doubt I will ever take her anywhere again unless I absolutely have to (or if sitting within 4 walls drives me nuts.

I should have known by the way the day started. First stop bowel movement - she usually calls me in to deal with that because she says she cant wipe properly. Well she cant and then she couldnt get her pull ups up as it were so she hobbled across the room (we have a care buzzer round her neck she COULD have rung) and all of a sudden the carpet is soiled in about 4 places, its all over her hands and the handles of her walker and she wants to hold on to me (never going to happen - I dodged that one) One hour later and cleaned up (6am now) she refuses meds - oh deep joy - so about 45 minutes later and she is screaming I havent given her breakfast, She has cereal or porridge or toast never ever wants anything else. I brought it in she through it across the freshly cleaned carpet and asked for a cooked breakfast. OK breathe and count to ten. The rest of the breakfast went well as did the rest of the morning and then I made the fatal error of taking her out for lunch. As we sat down she mentioned her respite care. She is going into a facility for 2 nights so I can visit an old friend I havent seen for 10 years. I know she doesnt want to go but I am at breaking point so SHE IS GOING. She then without warning told everyone nearby how I abused her. How I wouldnt let her have her bank cards- last time she gave them to a woman in the street and asked her to get some money out for her and gave her the pin number....hence me taking them off her.How I made her sit in her own faeces for hours well you get the picture. I didnt get up and run out. I sat there and explained to everyone who was by now giving me filthy looks that if they wanted the name of her doctor and my social worker I would happily give it to them. One woman did ask and I quite readily gave it. Eventually we got home ... mum had calmed down. The door bell rang - social worker to see mum without me. Okaaaaay Mum explained her carer (me) is wonderful but her daughter (me) is horrible to her. She also said she didnt want to go into respite, so the social worker agreed she didnt have to. When she told me I thought I was going to explode I was so angry. People say that if you contemplate suicide then you are depressed. The thought of having no life for however long makes me feel suicidal and thats not depression that the hopelessness of the care siruation you can find yourself in when noone else gives a damn

I went with her into the room where my mum is and said I am going away for a couple of months mum I am not well. This nice lady is going to stay and look after you. Oh thats nice dear - said my mum!!! So I went upstairs got an empty suitcase packed a few things and I was off out the door and into the car. The social worker was still spluttering as I drove out of the drive

Something obviously sank in to my mums brain and she promptly (apparently) repeated the morning bowel performance in front of the social worker (and who had not yet summoned any assistance.) Meanwhile I went to a park about 400 yards away and sat taking deep breaths and wishing I had never given up smoking. Calmer I rang the doctor to explain the situation.

The doctor suggested I went back home after about 15 minutes which would give her time to call the social worker.

The day was awful but having cleaned the carpet 3 times today, having eventually won my battle I can now go and have 2 days respite. Mum was lucid this morning and I have explained to her that if she is not cooperative about me having a weekend to myself then I will put her in care and sell her house to fund it. I know I sound cruel and its why I say I hate dementia with a passion but I know noone would give her the care that I do or take the abuse that I do and deep in that fuddled brain she knows it too for the social worker I think she is still trying to come to terms with a faeces handed women coming towards her trying to grab hold of her
Oh, Jude!!! I ran the gamut of emotions reading your post. I admire the way you handled everything. I have to admit I laughed out loud at the mental image of the social worker's face - serves her right for being a dipshit! You are an angel! You need 2 weeks respite, not 2 days!!
Bless you Dee .....And today the sun shines. not a tantrum in sight despite such a grumpy face earlier I thought it was going to be grim again. She has smiled got me to ring a friend for her had a long chat about utter drivel on the phone. She's eaten all her lunch drunk her drinks had her meds and even managed the loo properly. It's the ups and downs of dementia that frustrate me beyond belief - you never know from one minute to the next what you're going to face and as for the two weeks respite ...shhhhhh but I am having a week in July and another one in December - havent told her that yet ... I'm just enjoying the peace while it lasts. Just a shame she thinks I am her mother today but then again perhaps that is why she is not playing up
In my opinion mum belongs in a care facility, hard to say that, but dementia like you've described is too much for one caregiver to handle. You have to put yourself first!
Mallory I sometimes have to agree but I promised my dad that would never happen and he was soooooo important to me its not a promise I would dream of breaking unless it really does get to be too much. care in the UK is not good with lots of reports of abuse so I am also loahe to put into a place where she will not be CARED FOR if you know what I mean
Boy am I glad to have seen this thread. Mom was complaining about having to help Dad wash his bum this weekend (usually her code for someone else should do this) I totally panicked inside. I can't even believe she mentioned it to me and here is why. Not only were my parents not affectionate Mom instilled me with a dread fear when I was a teenager that my maturing body was something I needed to hide even from my father. One time I forgot to put a bath robe over my flannel night gown and she lost it. Her words were that men can't help responding to the female body and it was my job not to tempt. This was not a religious thing my Mom is sick. I have no idea if she was molested but I do know there was sexual abuse in her family. Anyway I spent my entire teen years terrified I was going to do something that would cause my Dad to be improper with me. He never was but it was still an awful thing to live with. Mom also was repulsed by any attempts at physical affection from me.

I'm so glad to read that there are other people who draw the line at this without guilt. I shouldn't need permission to say no to this but people keep saying the past is the past, get over it. Sometimes you just can't.
Trying you are absolutely on the money there. The trouble is when the carers dont turn up what else could I have done short of leaving mum in a soiled situation. as for the past is the past - that is such a stupid thing for people to say. In life there are some things we just dont get over, we learn to live with but never truly get over. Emotional suppression is one of them so you stay strong and say no me dear it is your right xxxxx
I've done things for my mom I never thought I would have to/be able to, including suppositories for constipation. Am supposed to start my mom on an estrogen cream. It's supposed to help with recurring UTIs. I was all for it, then I found out how it has to be applied. I got the prescription filled 2 weeks's still sitting in the bathroom unopened.

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