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When I first started full time care for my mum I brought in and paid for carers to give her a bath but they did such a shoddy job I stopped them coming - no point in having a dog and barking yourself is there. HOWEVER I found it incredibly difficult to physically touch my mum - its not something we ever did I had never been kissed by her in my living memory and I found that awful too. So you can imagine (or not if you're the insensitive sort) how distasteful I found it to have to clean her nether regions or lift her breasts up to wash and dry under them. Made worse because it was almost as though she sensed my disgust and wanted me to cream her lower groin area or put petroleum jelly around the anal area. I gritted my teeth, donned the obligatory surgical gloves, did it and went up and vomited - I couldn't help it. At one point I wanted to commit suicide rather than do this and when she got an impacted bowel and doctors would not come out (I live in UK so things are slightly different here) I had to manually disimpact her and that was gross. Time marches on though and now 2 years on I can manage to do it without disgust; the feelings of hopelessness have gone but I am known to my family as the mutterer for when it all gets a bit much I mutter terrible obscenities as I walk out the door. Mum doesn't know and I feel so much better for the mutterings. I won't ever say them out loud and they are unprintable here but suffice it to say ffs happens to be the most likely one.

Do i feel guilty? I used to ... now I accept that it is my way of coping and I though I ought to share it on here. Don't get me wrong I love my mum I just don't like her but then we have never liked each other and when I was little she always said she wished my brother had lived and I had died. Odd how 58 years on I would so love to remind her of those words but of course I won't.
Then today through her grumpiness and vile temper she said to me noone else could care for me like you do...So I made a joke and said am I that bad? No she said you are just like the daughter I always wanted not like the one I got. That will teach me to fish for compliments!!!!

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My Mother was very modest like me,so when she broke her neck and needed hhelp.we both just had to get through it but I felt like I was in her private space where I didn't belong and had never been before.As much as she hated for me to take care of this part,she was brave and I went as fast as I could.For the last year atleast,I put a suppository in her everyday.By the end we even made jokes about "down there" but it's hard and you just have to get through it if you can.
You're Mother is lucky to have you Phoenix!And I know your Dad must be very proud.
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Hello. On the threshold of the gamut here.
This early on, I would advise myself to back off, short visits are best, don't see what I see, not my job, not able.
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Hi Glad! Thanks for the tip! How long has your mom been using it? Is it helping?
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Just found this thread. LOL! Premarin cream. My mom, too was prescribed it because of recurrent UTI's. Finally told the doc it was too difficult for Mom to use. Noperino, I am not going there either! Well, have no fear! There is an oral estrogen that can be prescribed called Osphena! So, Mom's doc wrote a prescription for that. Thank you, doc! Thank you Shionogi (the big pharma)! Sometimes even they do good things!
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Mallory Im am in Great or not so Great Britain depending on your perception or in my case day of the week. Having been up sorting stuff till 3:25 this morning She cam in shouting and screaming at 6 am because I hadnt done this that or the other, she had been up for hours (Hmph 2 at most) and she had had certainly since 3 oclock, a wet pad on . (Anyone remember the song theres a hole in my bucket - if not google it its quite funny and when you have then you will understand why I wanted to reply - then change it dear mother dear mother dear mother, then change it dear mother dear mother, change it). Then she had a headache - but you didnt take the painkillers I left you, then it was on to the pee and poop. I havent had a poop - you refused the laxido - it hurt when I wanted to poop, thats because you refused the laxido, I need you to sort it, aint gonna happen I will take you to A&E - its not that bad - oh really you just said it was.....I was only joking. Now her foot hurts and she cant walk - but you just did walk with the rollator over the full length of the room......Well I cant walk without it....you couldnt before said as I raise my hands in typical Jewish desperation style. Isnt it odd that I am the only one in my family that does that and that I am also the only one whose natural mother IS Jewish. I was was raised Anglican - no wonder Im mixed up
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At 1 a.m when I have to work in the morning.
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Nothing like a temper tantrum from a 76 year old with dementia.
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Mom banging on bed and hollering "somebody help!". Told her it is bedtime and she needs to stay in bed. No. Says she is going to yell until she gets what she wants. Gonna be a fun one.
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3.25 in the morning? Where in the the world are you? At that time even the sheep are asleep, everywhere I hope.......
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Right now it is 3.25 in the morning and I am wide awake realising I am forgetting I need the bed railoh and her bloody koala and..... ok count sheep Judith you can do this one sheep two ewes 3 rams 4 tups wide awake!
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Once you get everything in you know you're going to need something that is packed away in the bottom somewhere.
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Erm Dee I think the term is insane and I am now certain you need a damned people carrier to get all the stuff she needs in the back
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Whoa Jude...you are a brave soul.
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Lol Well I have almost packed the car - Daughter said why dont you just do it in the morning youve got till 10. SCREAM - how fast does she think I can get my mum up toiletted, dressed fed toiuletted again at least once, change of pad wash etc, pack clothes clean commode pots/toilet seat my god she is in for a shock she has NO IDEA much as I love her and to make it justthat little bit worse now we are taking my grandson (4) too. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

And breathe
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It's really hard, Jude. That kind of routine was the last straw for my freelancing, a couple of years back, when I found myself on the M4 driving my mother to see her sister having been up all night meeting a deadline because I'd been fetching and carrying all day… You suddenly realise that it can't go on. As in, no, really, this can't go on. Delegate, delegate. Or let the grass grow..? Wish I had more to offer than sympathy.
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Lack of sleep is difficult to do. CM I spoke to the memory clinic - might as well have been the mammary clinic for he did get on my t%^$!. Oh thats qute usual he said. Well yes Iknow it is usual but I NEED MY SLEEP. Mum refused to go to be until midnight last night was up at 2:00 3:30 &5:00 its now 7:00 and she is wide awake supping tea I have just made her. Of course later this morning she will nod off again cos she is tired but will I? nah not that easy because I have to cut the grass, trim the hedges, make dinner, pack for our holiday, sort out everything to go in the car - commode - we are posh here we have 2!!!! - rollator, high toilet seat, wheelchair cleaning materials, clothes, sanitising stuff and pullups the list seems endless. Clean the car, go shopping for food, pack it all into car, make tea oh nd in between that look after Mum. Yep that will leave me loads of time for a nap!
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LOL Dee can you just imagine the 'OMG thats disgusting' comments youd get even if you were to suggest it humourously?
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Jude, I was on pinterest and guess what popped up on Martha Stewart's "cleaning and home organization" board? A pic of a turkey baster with the caption "surprising uses for a turkey baster". (No, cream applicator wasn't listed). Hahaha!!!
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I wish I had your faith Doodlebug - I just dont and never will but I love that you have found strength in your faith
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My mom did not want ANYONE cleaning her privates, but her only daughter. I had no problems, because I loved her so much, I would get her super clean. If anyone else, (my dad) she would get another UTI. She recently passed away and I would give anything to have her back, even if I had to get up in the middle of the night 10 times to change her depends. I would. God Bless All of the Caregivers out there. Especially dealing with dementia. It's a hard road to travel, but LOVE supersedes everything we do in this life.
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Jude, what does your friendly neighbourhood memory clinic say? Are you happy with your team? If it were me I'd go back to them and ask for further ideas. But, no, you can't function on even less sleep, that's for sure.
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Yep. Mallory...labrador lawn chocolate. Also need to remember my gloves.

Ah Jude, I tried mom on aricept and it had the opposite effect. She just stared into space. Took het off that pretty quick. She has vascular dementia. Now she's on Seroquel at night and sleeps much better. And so do I. I have absolutely no idea how I managed getting up with mom several times during the night for 6 years then having to go to work next day. I thought I was going to break down and nearly did. Hope you find a solution soon.
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Mum has been on Aricept now for about 5-6 weeks first 4 weeks I was amazed at the difference. Now not so much.....My original enthusiasm has been dampened because she now sleeps 2-3 hours less a night than before AND ITS DRIVING ME NUTS. I am finding it increasingly difficult to manage her stroppy moods when I am not getting enough sleep for me. Now here is the crunch question do I stop her aricept because I (underlined) need more sleep, do I say right its time for her to go into care which she truly does not want or do I start taking the damned aricept as well so I can stay awake (this last a joke peeps)
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Tootsie rolls? LOL!
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Note to self; always wear your glasses when cleaning the gardens - not all big brown things are sticks.
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Been doing the cream for a week and I think mom's getting another freaking uti. Ugh! That cream is so darn messy, though I'm relieved she manages to get most of it in the correct place...I hope. She seems a little more moody lately...I don't think it's related to the estrogen cream but if she starts singing "I feel pretty" I'm gonna ask the doc to turn down the volume on this stuff.
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My doctor and she is a dry old witch nearly fell off her chair when she suggested pessaries to my mum. How often do I need to take them said Mum. Well I had to cough to hide the splutter and that finished the doctor off she really struggled to even speak. My shoulders just shook and bless her Mum didnt even notice. They decided to manage without and just gave her a massive dose of antibiotics. Of course that led to massive evacuations and massively speedy ones too. Had to phone respite home today - they didnt give her the laxido because 'she had been' unquote. Now Mum is impacting again - Grrrr next time they WILL follow my instructions and make sure she takes what I request they give her...its not rocket science for heavens sake
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I meant to say suppository form, not pessary form! Egads, wouldn't that be a whole other nightmare?!
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Jude you could patent that idea haha. Glass thanks for the info! I'll order today. Wonder if the estrogen cream is available in pessary form. Country I would have been on the floor. The slime texture is what gets me. Trying to clean it up and it's sliding all over - gag!!! My mom has achalasia and we keep a wastebasket next to her especially when it's acting up. She doesn't always make it in the basket though...since it happens right after she eats we're usually having dinner...yeah. Freqflyer your kitty just wanted a friend haha! That's adorable.
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Just a thought, I wonder if those of us who have cats are more use to throw-ups and poop? Oh well, at least our elders don't bring home Chipmunks and let them run loose in the house for us to catch :P
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