Expect burnout.

Started by

Hi I care for my mom, she doesn't want to get out of bed, go out with me for a drive, etc. so she is a dementia patient bedridden. It is 9-30-13, I have not been outside since 5-13. help, I do not like to leave her alone.


Dear Jennifer, How do you manage shopping, banking, post office, etc? If your Mom will not/cannot get out of bed, I would suggest you start making some phone calls. First the doctor - let him write a script for a home health care evaluation. The nurse that comes out can check her out physically, arrange for some home care to assist your Mom and give you some respite, and also arrange for Social Services to visit and advise you of programs, services and benefits that are available to your and your Mom. You cannot live like a prisoner or a hermit this way. You will be glad you did this. God Bless you and Good luck.
I went through this sounds like serious depression! I was at my wits end until my doc told me that if I continue to worry about her being on her own I will end up very ill. My mum is OK on her own as long as she is down stairs shes fairly safe and mostly lucid just bouts of confusion. My doc said you can be in the bath and she could have a heartattack and die! shes right we cannot live like this as ob says a PRISON. Aswell as getting help YOU need to talk to a therapist about this for your own mental health ive been there and its hard but ive learned to accept that I cant be here 24/7 and "IF" something were to happen then I will deal with that then. We cannot be there all the time its not healthy to be like this. Its taken awhile but you will learn to let go a bit you have to for your own sanity. i was like a madwoman afraid to go and get milk?? to pee to have a bath nobody can live like this.
Get help or other family to help if you can this will drive you nuts I got very sick thinking like this!
Talk to her doc and yours!
HI, thank you so much for your feedback. In answer to the first question, my husband does all of the errands, so that I can focus and care for mom. My dad actually passed away 3yrs ago, I had brought them from NY to san Diego to live with us, dad held on for 6yrs, my younger sister passed away 5months later, so I think that apart from the dementia, mom is still grieving. We try to have physical therapy, and occupational therapy, and whenever they did a home visit, mom would close her eyes and keep them shut, and they found it very difficult to work with her because she was not cooperating with them. I am a nurse also, so I am very good with bedside care, and I do everything else that she needs. I do agree that I am suffering from some form of depression, I have lost several members of my family already, I guess that I am holding on to mom because Im afraid that if I leave her side, she will slip away. Does anyone have that feeling, or am I alone in feeling that way.
Jennifer, your feelings are perfectly understandable, but you must get some time for yourself - you do not need to be at her side every minute of the day and night. Assume your husband works outside the home during the week, but on a Saturday or Sunday, or even early evenings, you should take a couple of hours to get out and do something for yourself, and maybe at least a half day on the weekends. Go for coffee with a friend, see a movie, get your nails or hair done, that kind of thing. Maybe you can take turns on some of the less time-consuming errands, like P.O or drugstore, and he can watch her while you are out. It sounds like you are stuck in very rigid routine and it is depressing you further. You need some breaks from the monotony of your caregiver dutes.

If you do not like the idea of taking anti-depressant, I would suggest increasing your vitamins especially the B-complex for extra energy - the Calcium and Vitamoin D helps as well for energy. You should also try to get about an hour of sunshine every day. Maybe sit out in the yard or patio for 15 minute breaks during the day? Blessings and best wishes.
At my very lowest point with Mom when i was wishing it would end for both of us a doctor said something to me that finally made me understand why I was so distraught. ( I couldnt quit crying) He told me I was mourning the loss of my mother, for who she used to be. I thought of course, that's it! I miss my Mom.
It is a very hard thing to not worry about every little thing when you love them so. I had to go into caregiver mode like a job and do it well while trying to take care of me too. Accept all the help you can get.
Thank you all so much for the feedback, It is so good to realize that there are others who have been in my situation. I will try the vitamins B complex vitamins for energy. I owe it to myself to try and take a couple of hours a week for myself. I do not even go out in the backyard anymore, but I realize that I need some fresh air. My birthday is approaching, so maybe I will leave my husband with mom for a couple of hours and do little shopping. My husband always suggest that I do this, but I am like a protective mother of my mom. Thank you all, I am so happy that I am discussing these issues openly, God bless

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support