I just feel like it's better for everyone. She gets the professional care and socialization she needs that 2 "Sandwich Generation" children just can't properly provide. And we get the benefit of know that she's safe and well cared for.
I have a couple of problems with this:
1: I'm worried how my sisters will feel about the situation. My older sister has already accused me of abandoning mom and my little sister keeps telling me, whenever she visits, how much mom is ready to come home now.
2: I know my mother really enjoys living at my home and having all of her grandchildren around everyday and I don't want to deprive her of that. We just can't visit her in the ALF every day.
3: My mom forgets people who don't visit everyday and begins to resent any of her children who are not right there in front of her. She claims that hasn't seen this child in years, even if she's just seen them the day before and gets angry and hateful towards them.
Any suggestions, comments, words of wisdom?
While your mom is in rehab you have the perfect opportunity to make changes. You may not have this opportunity again.
Of course Mom wants to come home everyone does but it is not always possible and with dementia she will eventually forget everyone. The disease plays with the mind and loving people don't just stop loving they just can't show it in an appropriate way. Just do the best you can. take her out if possible but not home. The grandkids school activities are a good place to start.
We still have hopes of placing my hubby's mom in an ALF and his other two siblings have said 'do what needs to be done' - they have NO intention of taking mom and 'saving her' from an ALF or even a nursing home. They just don't bother with their mother much and they are fine with that. Few calls, very few visits (youngest did stop for 2 hours on his way home from vacation during her last hospitalization - so he's good to go for another year or two :0(
Tell the sibs that you've done your best and for every one of us that is different and we should NOT compare ourselves to others. Aberrant behavior due to dementia has got to be the hardest thing in the world to deal with on a daily basis. I applaud anyone dealing with this. I don't think I could. Tell the sibs that you will gladly allow mom to come home with THEM instead of going to ALF or NH. And if they take you up on it - be sure to do more to help them than they have for you. They will need a break from time to time - remember them. Offer to mom-sit. But, the chances of them taking her are slim. They would rather guilt trip you. Don't buy into it.
Guilt is hard to get over. Been there - done that. But, I think finally, I realize that I can only do so much. Even though I am not my MIL's constant companion any more - I still do more for her than any of my other sister-in-laws. They never call, rarely visit (usually only the sons' come) and never send a card when she is sick, etc. They never write a letter. They just, plain do not care. So, why should I feel guilty? THEY should feel plenty of it. If they don't, why should I? And that is how I have dealt with it the last year. We do what we can without killing ourselves. When we start to feel that we could actually DIE (been there - done that) then we have to change things up. All change is not bad. Amen.
Use this time to research residential care places, understand finances, visit, etc. then outline a plan, discuss with family members and for those who object, tell them that they will then need to care for mom going forward that you no longer will be able to.
Once you've decided, start talking with mom, enlist help from her care team to reinforce the idea, and don't take her back in your home even for the short time. It's easier for mom if she goes straight from rehab to her new residence.
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