Am I a bad person because my mom with dementia is in rehab, and I don't really want her to come back home?

yes, the guilt tripping by the siblings to try and get you to do more can be extraordinary and it's just manipulation so they don't have to step in. Stand your ground and keep your temper and know you have done the best that you can. It's time to for the rest to do their best.

I relate very well to this because this is how my mother ended up in the nursing home. She went first to do rehab from stroke. I thought she would die, because that is the impression she and her doctor gave me. Wasn't planning for her to come home. As the weeks passed, she continues talking about coming home, but all the problems are still there with the dementia and impulse problems. I still have my 75 year old father to contend with here at home. He barely walks on his own two legs. Have decided that mom isn't coming home. Ohhhh, they are fighting me tooth and nail. Now that I am not going to the nursing home but once a week, because mom insists on badgering me about coming home, hell, she poops and pee's by herself, and can walk with a walker, she must be able to come home. This is how she sees it and dad see it, but they fail to remember how confused she gets, and takes any medicine she can find, talks to whoever calls and gives vital information to whoever. I can't deal with it anymore. It's like having two toddlers at home, but they can do whatever they want, they have a car and they have money. Neither of them know how much money they have, just that they have money. I hate this situation, but my mental health is in the balance here and I have to take that into consideration. If dad thinks he can handle mom on his own, he is welcome to find them a place to live, but as far as this house is concerned she can't come here and be my responsibility, and that is what would happen.

I can so relate to this. My father has dementia and we had him at home with Mom until this past summer. He kept falling and we could not pick him up. I injured myself trying while waiting for 911 response. My mother choose to move into an assisted living facility because she wanted to be independent.(God Bless Her!) Dad became more confused and started to wander. After a hospitalization, we were told that he was not safe at home and he was placed in an alzheimer's unit. I feel very guilty that he is not home with me, but the reality is that when he has an episode, he is not himself and he is acting out something from his past or fantasy, which can be very dangerous. Some days he is very normal and it is on those days I think about taking him home with me and hiring someone to help, but then he has another episode and I realize that he is safe where he is. She lives near him and can visit daily, but she is elderly. I need to help her too, which also takes time. I try to go at least 3-4 X a week at different times to check on him and spend several hours with her too taking care of the things my father used to do, bills, taxes, etc. I feel like this is a sinking ship. We're doing what we can, but I feel guilty. I could do even more, but that would not be fair to my husband and children. Bless all of you. This is not easy and no one knows until they do it.

Sometimes I wish modern medicine never existed, unless it coincided with dementia/alzheimer prevention and cure. Seniors suffer and families suffer. Is it right to keeping someone alive to suffer the horrors of brain deterioration brought on by such a condition while treating the physical ailments of aging? No one wants to be confined to a nursing home or have their quality o life diminished because of todays medicine keeping alive the empty shell of a human being!

Estrangement for life from family is hard to face. If they are just really evil people who really don't care and nothing is possible, it is just sad; if they really did care, did visit occasionally, but then could not face things and feel hurt about not being pallbearers, maybe it is possible to reconcile. Maybe from their point of view your dad was a little harsh to take that privilege away from him for not visiting as much as he wanted, or he said it in anger and would not have really meant for you to have enforced it that way, and it might have been better to let them participate anyways. Once people like that start to feel guilty and ashamed - and it sounds like they should - they tend to close up even more and can't bring themselves to come back and admit where they have let you down, so they just stay away; it is not as much uncaring as it is shame. Maybe there is a third party, a pastor or other family member who can mediate?

When Mom's gone--you just have to sit down and have a talk with yourself. How much more time are you going to "donate" to those losers. Kids watch and notice how their parents took care of their parents. The sibs might get a dose of their own medicine some day. Just sit down and breathe! Revenge and anger eat you up like an acid. I'm dealing with a Mother right now--who doesn't like me --and I have to help her ---She's my acid---but I have to let go when I leave that building. When I wasn't letting go of "it" I felt like something was eating me alive------No matter who your angry at---you have to let go

I am the youngest of 5. Oldest is sister, 3 boys and me. I am 54 and have been doing 95% of everything for the past 5 years.....Very sad, but true, My father was 85 when he passed away 2 years ago and just about every illness you could imaging.....My 3 big strong brothers were of no help, because they "just can't do that". My sister and I were at odds because she asked me if I would ever not give daddy his correct meds., meaing to me, that to make our mother's life easier, dad might just, well you know!!!!! Eventually my father passed away and my brothers were not asked to carry him and from that day 2 yrs. ago, they have not spoken to my mother and I. They hardly visited and I was there every night, for every appointment and everything in between. My father would cry to me, wanting to see them......I was angry because I was there, but somehow he still wanted to see his boys. After a while, he made an announcement that if they can't come to see him in his home (because my mom and I tried to keep him there) that he did not want to carry him at his death. They have have not spoken one word to our mother or I since. Weddings have gone by and many more family events, my mom and I have been ignored! 5 yrs, ago me and my parents' took care of end of life issues, but again, I had no support from any sibling. Picking out last outfits and all. This summer I dedicated it to getting my mom's house in shape because the care of my father took up most of the time. Her place lools great and I am on my last project, painting the garage! She is sooo happy. My sibilings, nothing! I was so hurt that my brother watched me haul, by hand a 10ft tree down to an area on mom's property that was soo heavy, I had to go for x-rays to see if I broke a rib or worse......No compassion at all. No parents are perfect, so don't demand perfection if you are not! Now that summer is over and I am on my last project, I have to worry about the upcoming winter. People do not realize what it takes to do this.......Mom still wants to live at home, but the time is coming closer for her to move in with us. No one else cares. Thank god that I have an understanding husband and financial res. in case something would happen to her. But in time, everything becomes exhausted, including me! I stopped asking for help from anyone because it is useless. My question is this, when she passes away, how do I rid myself of the resentment I have for them and find the strenght to sell the home and move on, since this has been my life for the past 5 yrs.? We are considering a move ourselves. I feel awful that I never want to drive down that road again, because 2 of the oldest siblings live right there.......thanks for allowing me to vent. This is my first time on this site, but it is very helpful......hugs for you all.

Last Tuesday I had to put my mother in a nursing home because caring for her
24/7 was getting me down. I had no help except for my husband. No social life,
brother and sister never called and stopped comming by. They do not even know she is in a NH. This may sound hateful, but I don't care or worry about my
so called family. Let them try it. They can say or do whatever they want. I did all I could do. I have been going to the NH everyday and I will continue to do so.
My mother sounds alot like yours, everyday I have been to see her she has cried begging me to bring her home and I know that I can't. As long as she is getting good care then I will have to walk away and it kills me, but you have to.
I also have talked to other famlies at the NH and they all said it is tough at first but it will work out and that has helped me alot knowing that they have been there, done that. Good luck and you have gotten a lot of good advice from everyone on here and it has helped me by reading their posts.

A "bad person" is a person who doesn't have a conscience. They do not feel guilty or have any remorse. They do things because they think they can get away with it for as long as they can. Also, bad people would not ask the question "am I a bad person if....." So to answer your question, no you are not a bad person you are just a person who had to make a difficult decision because you want the best care for your loved one. Any decision with much thought put into it will be the best decision.

Babylettuce! I love when you say "special pain in the butt" LOL how polite I have other less polite words for them!!

I have agreed to look after my mum until I am no longer able BUT i am not happy where I live I cannot look after her in her own home as I will just fall into a deep depression and be no good to her or myslef. So my mum moves with me and i do my best until shes ready for a home. I had serious plans before this happened and have spent 4yrs looking after my mum with NO help from anyone in family. My brothers agree with me that I am entitled to be in a happy place and me looking after mum means the house may or maynot be saved as its all we have for her care. Basically im saving their inheritence? NOW I want to move to this place which is 2 and half hours from here no problem. My sister NOW wants ME to move closer as its not convienient for HER she lives abroad and wants me closer to the airport for her sake??? She is also DEMANDING she is co POA? I asked her why as for 4 yrs she couldnt have given a toss about mam and her health BUT NOW she is?
I told her I will NOT share POA with her and if shes made POA im off! I told her shes more than welcome to give up her life for a few years and look after mum and have POA the lot?
She says im being selfish as im moving too far for her? did I say she lives abroad and flits home once or twice a year?
Bottom line as SA says they dont do the caring but are always ready to make us feel like the "baddy"!
Your mum is better off in NH and yes if THE IVISABLES want her home then yes no problem BUT thier home.
My family are coming in 2 wks to discuss mums future i have cramps in my stomach with the stress BUT am taking back my POWER!

Siblings are a special pain in the butt most of the time and always have an opinion about how others should live. My oldest sister said to put Dad in a NH as soon as my Mother died three years ago. My younger sister and I wanted to keep him out of a NH for as long as possible. Both support whatever I need to do for myself, fortunately, so I don't have to deal with their guilt, only my own. ;-) Only you can decide what is best for you, and your siblings must do that for themselves. I have to remind myself that I only have to answer for my behavior and let other's do the same. We caregivers can't fix everything for everybody.

I like the poster idea that was suggested. Make a poster of pictures and note visit times so that Mom is reminded that she is loved. Encourage her to socialize at the ALF and make friends. Adjusting to changes takes a long time, but she will be okay. Be good to yourself. You are not a bad person, and asking the question is proof of that. The bad people of this world rarely question their own behavior. Good luck and God bless.

I love the answers the others have given! It's so easy for others to tell the main care-giver what to do--THE GUILT TRIP- because they DON'T WANT TO DO IT THEM SELVES! Mom needs the safest inviornment not the EASIEST and that's what your sister want. They can sit back pat themselves on the head because Mom is nice and cozy in YOUR house and they can visit for an hours saying to themselves---Well I did my part! Meanwhile back at the ranch it's your heart, soul, sanity and family that are at stake. Who's going to pick up the pieces of all that when you've completly collapsed under all the GUILT WEIGHT those holier then thou people are putting you under. It's always one in the family who gets this JOB. No one better then your family knows how to play you--how to push your buttons and MAKE YOU DANCE. Maybe Mom seems happy now but what you need to consider---she needs expert help-round the clock help--you can ask your self--are you so much a super woman you can do all this? NO you can't and your Mother deserves the best care--and that's not you---or those selfish sanctamonious self rightious people you call Sisters.

People with dementia really do better in an excellent facility where they get targeted care. Also, they come to love where they are at and consider it home. After they have been there for awhile, going outside the facility becomes very scary and uncomfortable. In fact, well-meaning family members who bring the loved one home for a Sunday dinner or a Holiday often find that the visit is emotionally stressful to the patient. The patient would rather stay put in their "home." Let your sisters know that you are acting out of your mom's best interest. Let them know that you understand their concern but that you do not share it. It just so happens that what is best for your mom happens to be best for you so no one has to make sacrifices.

What you may want to do is have a family meeting with a care coordinator or someone from the rehab facility - it may be that your two sisters are not just being scum, but just not being realistic. They feel sad for Mom - who doesn't - but they don't see the bigger picture and don't see that life in a facility may work out better for everyone if lots of visiting can occur. It is overwhelmingly common for the people who dont' live with it day to day to fail to recognize what is going on and wishfully think that if only someone else did something else, their loved one with dementia would be all better and things could go back to how they were. When they hear from someone else the same truth - that things are different, that Mom is not going to get better, then maybe they will want to pitch in, rather than trying to guilt trip you into trying, hoeplessly, to fulfill their fantasy. They could decide to be part of a realistic plan to fill her days - and fill all of your hearts - with as many good memories as possible under the circumstances.

I have a similar problem but my siblings want me to just put her into a state facility and give up because my mom does nothing but fight and she believes that nothing is wrong with her. She always has an excuse why she can't remember everything and that she doesn't use her rational mind. I don't want her in her own home, the doctors don't want her in her own home. The doctors have told us that she can not drive, should not be home. But her siblings and friends act like I'm the terrible person and that I need to let her live on her own and back off. I think we need to take care of them to a certain extend. I'm ready to call it quits as her POA. I'm worried her friends are going to pull her more than anything and either she's going to go down faster or she's just going to get angrier.

No I do not think you are bad at all. Seems to be a common thread for us who take on the responsibility for someone's care to feel guilt and "that we are bad." We have the best of intentions, and then find that the reality of the situation is much more stark than we ever imagined. I have literally been through the mill with the whole nightmare, and that is what it is and what has been for me. It will be two weeks next Wednesday that my mother went in to a nursing home, and I have not been able to sleep, get so upset I throw up, and just continue with guilt guilt guilt. Then it became clear to me, I am not responsible for my mother's happiness, I am not responsible for her frustrations. I can only do my best to enhance her happiness, I can't make her do anything. I see that as a child I took on the responsibility for my mother's bad moods, frustrations, anger, that's what kids do, it is because of them that mom is unhappy or dad drinks, if they were only better, good, better and less selfish, hell my mother loved to tell me I was selfish, I just know today it is for me about self preservation. She ground me to death with guilt and shame and of course I was the one to say, sure, I'll fix it all for you and come and I will take care of you. Well, it seems, that now, for once and for all, I must exorcise these demons and recycle the guilt and shame story into love and self care. Don't waste your time trying to reason with your sisters, they don't get it, but you do, take care of yourself because if you don't you will be sick. I got very ill taking care of my mother, and now I am ill from the trauma of it all. She is a danger to me and herself. I can not live under all the stress and pressure of 24/7 shadowing of me by her, doing everything alone, and have the added icing of being accused by her of doing things I never would ever dream of doing, yet, people believe the sweet old lady, and guess who gets thrown under the bus. I am staying away from visiting, I call, but I can't face her yet, I am not strong enough to do so and don't need her to get whipped up into a frenzy and me spending another week throwing up from being so totally emotionally upset. What I say to you, applies doubly for myself, not coming from a preachy point, just letting you know how it has affected me.

As a caregiver to your mom, it is beneficial for you and Mom to take her to Adult Daycare. Adult daycare is good for people with dementia because they are always around other people and it stimulates their mind. I often take my grandpa who has dementia to Adult daycare. He seems to be improving. Prior to him attending adult daycare, he didn't even want to get out of his house and he just wanted to stay home all the time. If Mom has medicaid, call her medicaid and ask for adult daycare facilities in your area or surrounding areas that accepts it.
My grandpa's medicaid pays up to 5 weekdays for his adult daycare. He doesn't go all 5 days, his insurance pays for days he actually attends.

Thank you everyone for your support! :)

As my nephew often has to remind me, "Everyone is where they need to be."

Ditto on all above answers. Flatly tell your sisters you can't do it anymore in YOUR home. She is already in dementia, which means 24/7 care. You are absolutely right that she will receive the constant professional care and supervision in the facility that will allow you ALL to sleep at night, and that she will have the benefit of her generation housemates for friendship and socialization. How can anyone accuse you of 'abandoning' your Mom! They have not stepped up to the plate even 1/10th to the extent that you have(I read your story). You never signed a contract saying you would keep her in your house for life-they have not walked in your shoes, so they have no right to criticize. My Mom was "ready to come home" also, but was in full dementia during re-hab, and we just kept telling her that the doctor said she needs a couple of more weeks. Then we told her they were doing some remodeling in her wing and they had to move her to another wing (NH side) - she still thinks she is coming home "next week" and still thinks she is in "rehab". This was 18 months ago! Your Mom already does not remember who visited yesterday at the rehab - neither does mine. She would not remember who visited at home either, and her attitude about that would not change regardless where she was. If it makes family feel better, agree on a visitation schedule at the NH, take her for lunch, hair dresser, shopping, movie, kids school events, whatever they want. My Mom does not remember who calls her from one day to the next - she also hides her phone in the drawer with a towel over it thinking someone will steal it if she leaves it on the night stand. Friends and relatives can rarely reach her in her room - she socializes all day and goes to bed after 11 pm. I almost always have to call and speak to her at the Nurses station phone for a 5 minute conversation. When I visit every week, she introduces me to the same friends every time. It's basically the same scenario for most of us. So stick to your guns, TX!!

Everyone is right about not buying into the guilt so keep doing what is best for your health and the rest will fall in place. My dad is in a nursing home now after living in assisted living for 1 year and then being in the hospital for 4 months. I fought with the idea of taking him from home but the safety concerns won over him being home alone and the cost of 24/7 in-home care. I made every place as homey as possible with favorite flowers and pictures. I made a poster board with pictures and names and put it where he can see it everyday. When I visit and speak of family I get the poster and point at them and tell him what we talked about, etc. I discovered this helps tremendously, in fact, there are times he would tell me which one he saw recently. He used to ask about home but once I redirected the conversation to how good his flowers look and ask how he got them that way his memory would revert to topics of home and give him peace. Just know that your mom is better off being somewhere that has 24/7 care. You or family still have to check on her because it is important for the facility to know she has family that is monitoring her care or else it can become a nightmare. trust me I know. Stay strong and continue to do what you know in your heart is best. I gave it to God and He continues to resolve my issues.

Actually, my sister-in-law did offer to take her mother in. However, she works full-time and babysits her own grandchildren. I asked her if she was prepared to be with mom all day every day. "NO!" she said " I can't do THAT!" So are your sisters going to take her in, stay with her all day and deal with her anger? If they call 911 will the response time be 5 minutes? No, and they want to put it all on you. They are throwing a pity party for themselves, do not accept the invitation.

Agree with above posts. Ignore the quarterbacking from your sisters and do what's right for your family and mom in the long term. Dementia doesn't get better and her care needs and skilled care needs will continue to escalate. It would be nice for her to have socialization and activities geared to her age group and needs. You can enjoy my quality time with her.

Use this time to research residential care places, understand finances, visit, etc. then outline a plan, discuss with family members and for those who object, tell them that they will then need to care for mom going forward that you no longer will be able to.

No regrets.

Once you've decided, start talking with mom, enlist help from her care team to reinforce the idea, and don't take her back in your home even for the short time. It's easier for mom if she goes straight from rehab to her new residence.

I am in agreement with what the others said. If your sisters are so sold on the idea that mom needs to be 'at home' then they can bring her to live with them. You've done your part. This is a classic case of who will blink first. Will you finally cave from the guilt and bring your mom back home with you or will your sisters step up? Whatever you do, don't do it out of guilt. How long have you cared for your mom in your home? If your sisters believe so strongly that mom shouldn't stay in a NH one of them can bring mom home to live. No one's forcing you to do anything, you have a choice here. Stand by your choice and if it ends up that mom doesn't come back to your house, be the first person to step up and help get mom adjusted somewhere else. You can be of help, you can pitch in where your sisters never did. Be strong, make your choice, stand by it, and be helpful. In other words, be a better person than your sisters have been. But do it with humility and grace and because it's the right thing to do, not to show anyone up.

While your mom is in rehab you have the perfect opportunity to make changes. You may not have this opportunity again.

an afterthought: One time when my MIL was in the swing-bed rehab part of the hospital after one of her several surgeries - (and yes, I dreaded her coming back home, too) - my brother in law told me that those 2 and a half weeks were MY VACATION! Yeah, sure. I made numerous trips to see her and clean her entire apt top to bottom, laundering everything that could be washed including window coverings. I sure felt like I had a vacation! NOT. Sorry, but the sibs haven't got a CLUE!! Feel NO GUILT!!!

It takes a lot to finally convince yourself - and we DO need to convince ourselves - that we cannot be every thing to every one - not even mom. When you know in your heart that either you can't or just DON'T WANT TO be THE care giver anymore - we have that right - just like the others in the family feel they have the right NOT to be the primary care giver.

We still have hopes of placing my hubby's mom in an ALF and his other two siblings have said 'do what needs to be done' - they have NO intention of taking mom and 'saving her' from an ALF or even a nursing home. They just don't bother with their mother much and they are fine with that. Few calls, very few visits (youngest did stop for 2 hours on his way home from vacation during her last hospitalization - so he's good to go for another year or two :0(

Tell the sibs that you've done your best and for every one of us that is different and we should NOT compare ourselves to others. Aberrant behavior due to dementia has got to be the hardest thing in the world to deal with on a daily basis. I applaud anyone dealing with this. I don't think I could. Tell the sibs that you will gladly allow mom to come home with THEM instead of going to ALF or NH. And if they take you up on it - be sure to do more to help them than they have for you. They will need a break from time to time - remember them. Offer to mom-sit. But, the chances of them taking her are slim. They would rather guilt trip you. Don't buy into it.

Guilt is hard to get over. Been there - done that. But, I think finally, I realize that I can only do so much. Even though I am not my MIL's constant companion any more - I still do more for her than any of my other sister-in-laws. They never call, rarely visit (usually only the sons' come) and never send a card when she is sick, etc. They never write a letter. They just, plain do not care. So, why should I feel guilty? THEY should feel plenty of it. If they don't, why should I? And that is how I have dealt with it the last year. We do what we can without killing ourselves. When we start to feel that we could actually DIE (been there - done that) then we have to change things up. All change is not bad. Amen.

What Veronica said... I find it amusing that the people that don't do the daily care giving, or don't do anything at all for that matter, are the first ones to jump and pile on the guilt, and have opinions about how things 'should' be done...as they keep their distance... . Oh, the irony! Tell them that if they want mom out of the facility so bad, no problem...she can go to their house and THEY can take care of her, because you no longer can. And lose the guilt. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

If your sisters want Mom to come home they know what needs to be done and it is not heaping guilt on your plate. If you don't feel you can adequately care for her and your own family sadly she will be better cared for in a facility. Don't beat yourself up your sisters are already doing a good job with that.
Of course Mom wants to come home everyone does but it is not always possible and with dementia she will eventually forget everyone. The disease plays with the mind and loving people don't just stop loving they just can't show it in an appropriate way. Just do the best you can. take her out if possible but not home. The grandkids school activities are a good place to start.