Difficult family dynamics forcing decision to move Mother from our home to NH. Mother has been with DH and I for over a year.

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I am full-time caregiver with companion 3 days a week so I can get out of the house.

My 2 sisters are very rude and act as if I am the hired help and had all but taken over our home. Loud TV, constant bickering between them and other issues caused us to set down visting time limits so we can have a little peace in our house at the end of a busy day. DH has had it with their lack of respect for what I am doing, not mention the no help they offer and the lack of long range planning and team work. I've tried to have meetings with them on all these issues but can only communicate via text or email in order to avoid the bawling and squalling they do. They do not want to face or deal with our Mother's failing health.

Both think Mother is going to have a miracle recovery and go back to taking care of her own home. This was our goal 18 months ago but failing health leaves her unable to care for herself at all. She is in a wheelchair, incontinent and can only stand for a few seconds with a walker dispite months of PT. Taking care of Mother has not been a problem; she is bright and alert and DH and I enjoy having her around...it is the sisters creating problems. DH says this is more than one person can handle 24/7 and he certainly didn't realize that I would be giving up my life while my sisters run around doing whatever they want. I must admit it has been a major lifestyle change for us.

Has anyone else faced this kind of problem and how was it resolved. I hate that Mother will go to a nursing home but my first concern has to be to my mental/physical health and that of my husband. Sisters are long divorced, no childred and have no concept of how a real family works.


If you enjoy your mother and have no problem taking care of her and the real problem is the sisters, then I would suggest setting firm behavorial rules for when they visit (once per week each for two hours? At different times? On good behavior only? ) or banning the sisters from your home entirely. Obviously the sisters don't want to care for your mother; they just want/need the drama. You do want to care for your mother and you don't need the drama. The heck with them! If you wouldn't chose family as friends, then why be stuck with them as family?
I have a similar situation with my 2 sisters. I have had Mother with me for over six years. Four years ago, I pursued guardianship and was supported by my two brothers in this. My sisters were totally opposed although they did not want to care for our mother. My sisters attended the guardianship hearings and could never give any reason for their opposition except that they thought Mother had money and that I was going to get it all. In reality Mother had very little and what she had (approximately 30,000) we spent paying off bills, purchasing funeral insurance and basically spending down for Medicaid. The hearings cost me an additional 10,000 because of both sisters. Neither one wanted to keep mother and have not bothered even to call her in over 4 years. (I did receive guardianship 4 years ago and the judge ruled that I need 24 hours notice for visits.) I think both sisters are still angry that I have guardianship although my only reason is so that I can make emergency decisions if I need to do so. I want my siblings to be involved with Mother as it would be good for her and take some of the burden from me. I have done it without any assistance for over six years. I would be happy for any of my siblings to take my mother for a week's visit. (They are not willing to do that and my sisters have had no contact with my mother since the hearings.)
Now one of them has filed a court motion saying that I have refused to allow her to visit Mother and she wants the court to order me to drive her to her home which is 2 hours from where I live and wait around while she visits with Mother. I have never refused her visits. The courts have ordered mediation and if we cannot agree to a solution, we will have another hearing. I cannot afford any more attorney assistance so I am also considering a nursing home for Mother if the court decides that I have to drive her for visits. Ultimately, I know that I am the one who has to make that decision and that I will have to decide if I believe that Mother's health and welfare are my primary concerns or if I am just being prideful.

You said it well when you said "DH says this is more than one person can handle 24/7 and he certainly didn't realize that I would be giving up my life while my sisters run around doing whatever they want. I must admit it has been a major lifestyle change for us." I discovered the same but believe that God has placed me here and know that I have to make this decision based on that and not on whether or not the court orders me to do something for my sisters who continually harass me for just trying to do the right thing.

You do need to set up rules and to remember that it is your home. You do not have to give up your entire life for someone else's whims. But if you do decide to go with NH don't let yourself feel guilty. I know the extreme burden of dealing with dysfunctional family members as well as the demands of caregiving. I wish you the best as you make your choices.
How about sisters can visit mother only if they come and get her and take her to their homes or out for lunch etc.? The maximum time they can spend visiting her at your home is 2 hours a week. Would that reduce the stress levels enough to allow you to keep Mother in your home? Or would leaving the house with your sisters be stressful for Mother?

It is truly sad that your sisters are forcing this issue. But do what you have to do to reclaim your own lives. Mother needs at least one sane, stable daughter in her life! It may be that you can take better care of her in a nursing home than in the chaotic place your home has become.
i'd say your sisters can visit only as caretakers for your mother so you and your husband can take a much needed break once a week. if they aren't willing, tell them to bugger off.
And 'only 1of3' is right; i have dismissed people from my life, family or not, for being toxic to me and my life.
I am exactly in the same boat as you, my siblings do not even visit, I am going to have to place her in a nursing home because my depression and axiety is extemely bad and my husband wants a divorce, problem being now is medicaid, looking back 5 years is going to be a problem as she has gifted me the last two years 600.00 a month for caring for her so now I don't know what I am going to do, many prayers your way and please pray for me and my mom, thanks
@eibunicorn: God bless you for taking care of your mom. However, it is too bad that it has taken such a toll on your life. Not sure the gifting is really a problem for her or for you. Talk to an attorney or an accountant about that. From what I understand it is OK for a parent to pay a relative a reasonable amount to care for them. However, it may be a tax issue for you if not reported. Check it out.
I would agree that your sisters seem to be the problem, not your mom. Deal with them. I like the response form PamelaSue. Go for it.
Similar situation for me because the only time my sister showed up was to create chaos for me or with the private caregivers I had to hire out of my savings so I could continue to work and care for my mom.The agency caregivers were with my mom a long time and most had seen these dynamics numerous times on other cases.She finally just went away because everyone could see her game.Nothing but a self absorbed guilt trip but on the other hand unwilling to do anything to care for her parents or help me out.Some people are totally disfunctional and it is best to keep them at arms length for the sake of your own sanity and the wellbeing of your loved one.Their MO is do nothing yet kick as much dirt as possible on the ones doing all the work or providing financial support.Everwhere I went in town and bumped into people we knew thought she was doing all the work and I was the deadbeat ! Believe me these kind of people have it down to a science.Many are pathological liars on top of it.Do yourself and your mom a favor and go it alone and forget about them.
@ ejbunicorn, i also doubt that the money your mother has given you will be considered a gift. please check into that. $600 a month for care in your own home is a very reasonable sum for all that your mother is receiving. God Bless you.

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