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Recently my 80 year old father who had been diagnosed with mild dementia has become fixated on his finances. So much so that he is convinced that my mother has been stealing his money for years (which is not true and we have presented attorneys, case workers, psychiatrists, etc. to explain to him otherwise but he is convinced of this.) And it has now culminated into his request for a divorce. My mother who is his primary caregiver is fed up and doesn't want to argue with him anymore and is granting his request. I understand that this is quite common but I was hoping to get any further insight from others that might have been in the same position. Thank you.

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I am worried about my mother in law with alzheimer's. I am afraid for her life with her husband. Five months ago my husband her son passed away. I have a POA for her and she still living with me. Her husband (my husband's step dad) is not living with us, but he keeps insisting that she is his wife and its driving us crazy calling to send me the police. Before they were together but she got very ill in a coma due to being neglected by him. He was always out with the provider everywhere and she was left alone dirty with vomit and feces. Adult protective services was called and it was an investigation. Thats how we found out what was going on. We went to talk to him and practically he threw us out of his house and the APS told us she needs us and advised us to take her home after rehabilitation that's how we went to talk to a social worker. The social worker advised us to get a power attorney in both of our names. Do not know what to do, now that my husband died 5 months ago and her husband is not living with us but he is still insisting to get the authorities involved. What can I do to protect her from him since she has alzheimer's and he is a danger to my mother in law's well-being?
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No to both. If you have official statements declaring that he is no longer competent, he cannot dissolve or enter into a contract - which is what marriage is. Only more important! So even more definitely no!

Oh, and, by the way, is he has been 'declared as having lost testamentary capacity' how come he is wielding that powerful a credit card? Who has power of attorney for him, and who is taking care of him?

Blimey. Has the SAgf got any family you can enlist for support at their end?
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All these stories make me feel better. We are going through hell with my father 89, diagnosed with Dementia Alzheimers since 2011. Last year when Mum was in hospital with utter and total exhaustrion from looking after him, she announced after 59 years of marriage that she was not getting bettr just to go and look after him and that she wanted her freedom. Within weeks he was phoning her girlfriends asking around for a suitable woman who could come and live with him in financial comfort ( er Hum...not something Mum ever enjoyed and they are both getting the pension) . Then after much song and dance he tracked down his premarital girlfriend....think....early 1950s. Well, she has dementia and lives wth her daughter in Johannesburg. so this is where Dad is trying to get to now. No dr can stop him. There is nothing to stop an old man with dementia walking into a travel agent and buying a ticket except his cunning children who are one step ahead of him. His friend has tried to support him buying a one way ticket to RSA from AU, and she believed him that he has landing arrangements made, and she offered some free accommodation for him.
Now, he wants a divorce from Mum so he can marry his SAf girlfriend . they both have dementia. Dad has been declared as having lost his testamentary capacity.
Can he divorce? Can he marry again?
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MY MUM HAS ALZHEIMERS SHE HATES HER HUSBAND BUT THIS IS BECAUSE SHE HATED HIM BEFORE SHE HAD A FALL AN CAUSED THIS THEY REMEMBER
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My dad has severe dementia, he'll be 87 this summer, mom is 85 and caring for him during the day and I go each day after work and on the weekends. My dad keeps saying he needs me to get him away from my mom. He cannot cook for himself, remember to take his medicine or do any finances, he needs her but this dementia has robbed him of that memory. We are learning to say okay but wait to sell the house and split assets until the snow is gone. I like the comment about I'll get an attorney then keep finding reasons why that has not been done just yet. I really appreciate finding this forum, so much worry with dementia. My dad trusts me and knows me but really think I am just a good friend, what he told me last night, not his daughter. I'm afraid he will cause her to have another stroke and me to stress out.
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if your loved one is in a nursing home and acting irrational or "crazy" it could be due to their medication. check to see if they're taking any psychomatic type medicines. when i worked in nursing homes many elderly residents were taking multiple psycho meds. they screamed and ran down the halls and begged for help. i'm not saying the meds caused the condition. draw your own conclusions.
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I would go to assisted living. They are great, here in Tucson.
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My thoughts were similar to those of Looloo.

Create a document that states that X and Y are divorced. There are probably some online forms somewhere that simulate a real divorce decree. Give a copy to the spouse who wants a divorce and tell him/her it's been all taken care of for them as a couple.

The question then is whether that spouse wants to move out, and where would he/she go?
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I just read a very good book called "Learning to Speak Alzheimers" by Robert Butler, MD., which covers many issues relating to dementia. My husband, who was diagnosed with dementia in 2011, too has become very paranoid (he's 74) and is physically going downhill pretty rapidly too, which is so frustrating for him. He was a communicator in the USMC back in the day so the fact that he struggles to find the right words when having a conversation is very frustrating and humiliating to him. I suggest that you also look up the Alzheimers/Senior Care office in your town and try to go to a few meetings. They have been invaluable for me.
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Froggie10, it is good that you posted this as a new post as well. You will probably get more responses there than here.
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I've heard that when dementia patients in care facilities want to be married, a "ceremony" is performed, and some sort of celebration take place, but nothing about this is legally binding.
Could you do something ceremonial to give your father the satisfaction of thinking that the marriage is dissolved?
Also, could some other caregiving arrangements be made so your mother has less face to face involvement with your father? I can imagine how difficult this must be for her, and she needs help as well.
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Correction: My stepdad has Lewy Body Dementia.
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My stepfather is 86 and mother 85. Mom has very bad arthritis in her back and knees. They used to sleep in a queen sized bed but my dad would often fall off the bed during the night or was so restless that he would wind up pushing my mom off while she was asleep.

This happed so often that my mother decided that it was time for them to sleep in the middle of separate beds. Their ages were 76 and 74 at that time.
My stepdad had prostrate removal several years ago and the sex has been non existent.

My dad now has Lowy Body Dementia. It's in its severe stage and he is taking 3 different medications to help bring him out of depression, hallucinations and improvement in his cognitive ability, however, they haven't made much difference. Because it is Lewy Body Dementia he has the Parkinson systems that accompany this type of dementia. He has to use a walker or he'll fall. He even falls with one,so we have to spot him when he is up walking.

The biggest problem is: My dad is insisting on sleeping with my mom again. My mother refuses because of her own inabilities. Because she won't give in to his demands, he wants a divorce based on the fact that he believes that they have been married for 33 years (its actually 23) and they have never had sex, and she has always locked her bedroom door at night. This has only been for the last 2 months because he keeps waking her up for kisses and to fondle her breasts. He wakes her up whether she napping in her recliner or on her bed. My stepbrother and I have to block him from her door because he will just stand outside and keep knocking and calling her name over and over again.

2 weeks ago he told us that he wasn't happy and wants a divorce from my mother because she won't lay with him, be fondled, get hit in her sleep or take the chance of either if them falling off of the bed.

He insists that he doesn't want to fondle my mom but he sometimes admits that he does. A few nights ago my sister-in-law and I were dealing with him Sun downing and trying to get to my mother. At one point he became difficult to handle and as we walked out of the room he yelled out that he want to F*** my mother.

She has Durable power of attorney over his health care and finances. We are well aware that he can leave and we can't stop him if he want to.

His Geriatric Psychiatrist has written a letter stating; he is not capable of making decisions on his own. She has taken that letter to the bank, his financial advisor where he has his annuities and her attorney along with with the signed and witnessed documents POA documents.

Now comes the question:

If he leaves does she still have control over his finances and health care since the POA papers were signed 10 years ago before the dementia started happening, and has the signed letter from his specialists?
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I have had friends ask me how I joe about some things mom does. But what else can you do either laugh or cry, neither solves anything. And personally I would rather laugh. My brother and I argee it would be nice if all the people that moms sees around the house would start helping out. I would love to come home from work and find that they had done the laundry or made dinner.
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Sorry, I ended too soon. Laughs chuckles and another source of discontent and repeat! Moms good at guilting but I'm passed that! I haven't a darn thing to feel guilty for excepting dreading talking and visiting her any more.

Heaven help us all! I want to be better at this but right now I want to take a looooong walk and lose my way back.

Ballgirl, I guess we better get used to playing along, perhaps we maybe able to get a chuckle out it or at least maintain our sanity!
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Well mom sees babies all the time, then there's people in her closet, she keep the blinds closed and has stapled the curtains together because people are looking in on her ( yet she can't see very well) I guess the shadows she sees are to her what she imagines them to be... I wish she saw flowers, angels or something soothing.

I'll use the idea of "making plans with the lawyer" then give her the hefty price. It's a very old and worn threat that I've heard for as long as I can remember...it's time for a divorce... I've actually told her they should have done it 40 yrs ago! You're leaving this world with each other now so get over it. Then it's laughs chuckels
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sumlerc, yes, she probably will accuse you of taking her SS money -- if not you, the mailman, or the dining room serving staff. No logic here! Dementia is so awful for all concerned.

As to the divorce, can you play along? "Oh mother, I am so sorry things have come to this. If it is really what you want, I'll talk to a lawyer." "The lawyer appointment is next month, Mom." "I talked to the lawyer but I didn't want to go ahead until we discussed what it is going to cost." Etc. etc. agree with her but just keep putting it off.

My heart goes out to you. I hope that at least Dad isn't hearing all this dreadful talk.
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sumlerc, I wish there was a reality to dementia dictionary. I've spoken with other caretakers that say their loved ones see monkeys or birds all the time. I would trade that for the people mom says are in the house all the time. I feel for you taking care of two, one is wearing me out fast.
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Hi, I was too exhausted to write for help about this last week but lately my Mom has been calling me to get a Divorce Attorney. She is 88 and in a week Dad will be 97! She makes all kinds of claims against him, he's cheating, check the bank account to see if he has withdrawn any money, he's this or that. Dad is confined to the bed and wheelchair, really doesn't talk much and does not socialize.

Today Mom tells me that someone put trash in her Depends while she was sleep. This stuff really scares me because her paranoia is her truth, I'm afraid that she will accuse me of taking all of their Social Security money (which goes to Nursing Home Care) or will accuse someone of doing something criminal to her...she has a lot of hang ups about sex.

I pray for Dementia to DIE! It's a slow death for the sufferers and their loved ones. in the meantime, is there a Dementia Language? I'm not communicating well with my Parents and I feel so lost and hopeless.
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I realize that your mom is probably overwhelmed and just wants some peace. In my case I am the primary caregiver as mom live with me, however, my oldest brother and I share POA of finances & health. Perhaps your mom would be willing to have you or another sibling take over as POA which is not a bad idea to have it changed and also include POA over you mom. It might take the heat off of your dad thinking mom is misusing the finances. It's a hard place to be in, but I hope she realizes that your dad is no longer the person she married, unfortunately dementia robs us of the person we once knew.
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I thought the same thing but I don't think that is the case. My mother does have POA but she just wants her life back and if this is what he wants then she will oblige.
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I can't think that a judge would grant a divorce since your dad is obviously not of sound mind. Would it help if someone other than your mom had POA and handled his finances?
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