Follow
Share

I'm caring for my elderly Dad and really need some support at this time. Maybe my idea will help someone else care for their parent also. Thanks so much :)

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Yes, it is harder when it is your flesh and blood - so many emotions are there. As your parent declines, you grieve each loss, and that takes emotional energy. It is not the same as looking after someone with whom you do not have those bonds, it is much harder.
(4)
Report

Its also harder when its your flesh and blood in a weird way.
(1)
Report

Well, Ive done it both ways. Id rather sacrafice a bit.
(1)
Report

river - sorry you are offended by some of the comments and that you felt/found the NH care your dad got was sub standard, We have had people here, who have worked in NHs and with seniors, find that having that job entirely to themselves 24/7 is quite a different matter and more challenging. That's all. Wishes for success.
(1)
Report

I'm fine about the link being removed. We fully understand the consequences to the choice we made for my Dad. I am not a child. I'm 47 and I bet I've been through a heck of a lot more than most people in my life. While I understand what we did for my Dad is not right for everyone, I am annoyed at the insinuation that I'm naïve and don't understand what I've got into. We are behind on our bills, nothing insurmountable, but we had 3, yes 3 months to build my Dad a house. We took every penny and a loan to get it done. Some may call me stupid, I think I did the right thing.
(1)
Report

riverrat - asking for support here is fine and one of the purposes of the site. Asking for funding and posting a link in not allowed, as you now know

I, for one hope you do come back and get support, as you, like many others here have taken on the huge task of hands in care giving of a parent with Alzheimer's. Your father sounds like such a nice man, and you obviously care deeply for him and want to do the best for him. I am glad you have some help and hope it all works out as you planned. I am a little surprised that your hub does not know about the financial troubles you both are in. Surely he was part of planning this venture.

In any case, wishing you success in working this out so you all are looked after. (((((((hugs)))))
(3)
Report

Riverrat, the link to your gofundme page was always destined to be removed as it goes against the policy of this site. And everything you post here belongs to AgingCare, so your thread will not be deleted either, ever. That is something we all need to keep in mind when we post to such forums/sites, what we say online stays online.
I hope you keep coming to the site for advice and updates though, we are a pretty diverse group of people and usually there is someone out there who has "been there, done that".
(1)
Report

Sorry, riverrat, but I think on this forum we have seen way too many disasters due to people getting in too deep in their efforts to care for their parents. We are so awash in other people's misery that the first impulse is to try to warn people against sacrificing more than they can afford to sacrifice. I'm sorry if it sounds unsympathetic, but that's just how it is.
(3)
Report

You know, the reason I was seeking out a forum such as this is because I believed I would have an audience that would appreciate and have an understanding of what I did for my Dad and to possibly get some much needed assistance. Sadly, I was mistaken. Please moderator delete this thread as I don't know how. Thanks.
(0)
Report

Thanks for telling me, I did not even notice. They can delete this thread, I don't know how :(
(0)
Report

The title to this thread has been changed and the reference to the gofundme page has been deleted from the original post. So now the thread makes no sense at all. It should just be deleted.
(2)
Report

Ok, he's napping so I wanted to give some more details. See, we purchased the cabin rent to own but it was a shell. My husband and I had to turn it into a cabin. Wiring, insulation, plumbing, built a bathroom, toilet, bathroom sink, shower, drywall, kitchen sink, tv, furniture, video monitor, door alarm. We liquidated all of the funds we had available to do this so my Dad could come home. He has a lot of spunk and probably would have died from depression in that nursing home. Here he see's his family daily, has cat's and dogs etc. Some people may think we made a bad choice but I think we made the best choice. My Dad has been an outstanding father and he deserves to have the best care that only I can give. I'm not saying nursing homes are not right for some but it's not the right choice in this situation :)
I appreciate the above information given in the comments but unfortunately not of much help. We don't need any house repairs or legal aid for the elderly. I am my Dad's power of Attorney. Again, thanks so much for the comments and I do like this forum. Very helpful place to share with others going through the same issues. I hope to see you on some other threads too! Heather
(0)
Report

Thank you all for your responses and I appreciate all of the comments:) As suggested above I will give a bit more information. I did not recently give up a job. I have not worked in several years. I used to work from home doing customer service and sales. I had to give that up because it got to the point that my father would not leave me alone and I was required to have silence in my workplace. It also got physically demanding, sitting for long hours, vision problems on the computer, etc. Anyhow, like I said as time elapsed my Dad needed more and more supervision and our stairs and woodstove became a major hazard for him. When it got to the point the stress and worry of him falling and hurting himself became too much, I put him in the assisted living. He lasted 2 weeks. The demetia was the issue they did not want to deal with AFTER they had told me it would not be a problem. At that point I moved him into the nursing home (August 2016) where he stayed until November 7th, 2016. He was not getting the proper care in there and fell at least 5 times. I have not underestimated the toll this will take on me. I've worked in nursing homes when I was younger (I'm 47) and also seen the care at the home my Dad was in. It is unacceptable as far as I am concerned. The building is a rent to own and if I were to pay it off today it would cost $6017.58. If I continue to make the payment;s it's $298.26 per month until August of 2019. I do get all of the assistance my Father is eligible for. 24 hours per week home health and 216 hours per year respite hours to give me a break. Normally I sleep in a bunk in my Dad's 6 night's a week and Home health does one. I do have a video camera so I can come in my house and do some chores but my Dad is SNEAKY and I have to keep my eyes on the video monitor constantly!!! You can see the camera in the window in the picture of my Dad over his kitchen sink! Anyhow, this is something we can handle, my Dad has a few good years left in him I believe and I want them to be awesome for him! My request is to just get caught up on things and pay the building off so that I won't have that payment every month. Thanks again for all the comments, I have to get back to him ASAP as I'm in my house and he is calling me on the video monitor :)
(1)
Report

While I agree with what cwillie and golden23 have said, I also want to point out that I most often see links to gofundme pages on Craigslist, under the Community section. I don't know what kind of response they get, but I imagine it's more than here, where many people are in the same boat.
(1)
Report

riverrat - it would help if you posted more details of your situation and needs. Giving up a job to care for a senior is rarely a good idea financially or emotionally.

According to your go-fund page, your dad, who has Alz was moved from an ALF to a NH because his care needs increased. This is normally the reason people are moved from one to another. It is likely not their fault that he fell. Then you decided to remove him from the nursing home to a cabin and have quit your job and spend most of your time with him as his care needs are great. I honestly think that was a bad move, as with Alzheimers, your dad's needs and costs will continue to increase. You have given up your job which has affected you and your family's financial stability and future.

Truthfully, I think he needs to go back to an NH on Medicare. and you need to go back home with your husband and to a job. I am sure your intention to provide your dad with a pleasant surrounding is laudable, but the cost to you and your family is too great.

I agree with cwillie who wrote "I fear you have underestimated the physical, emotional and especially the financial toll this will take on you and your family for YEARS to come." Please reconsider.
(2)
Report

Well, I have a better idea of the situation now after reading CWillie's post.

First, are you still paying rent on the cabin? That's going to be a fixed cost for its lifetime, if that's the situation. So that has to be factored into your own income.

Second, is the $6900 to actually purchase the cabin or pay it off? I don't understand how it could be paid off if you rented it.

Third, are you getting a senior rate for the electrical service?
(1)
Report

I do appreciate your response; it helps put your situation in perspective, and I do respect your desire for privacy.

May I suggest that you create separate threads for the various financial issues, beginning with harassment by debt collectors? Others have been faced with this; some aren't even aware of the protection of the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act.

Does TN have a state elder care agency (Michigan has the Elder Law agency, which provides free legal advice to income qualified seniors)? Our EL site also lists a wide variety of financial assistance available.

There are food distribution centers, pro bono legal attorneys or clinics, heat assistance, and more. Perhaps comparable assistance is available in Tenn?

Sometimes county agencies can offer help or suggestions, as can private agencies. (See my post on Erwin's thread at https://www.agingcare.com/questions/social-worker-wants-permission-call-siblings-219549.htm?cpage=2)

The Area Agency on Aging is also a good source.

Sometime ago my city received HUD funds for emergency home repairs for income qualified individuals. Habitat for Humanity and Christmas in Action and Christmas in April are also groups that may provide free house repair assistance.

Perhaps you've already tried these routes, and if so, I apologize for the assumption that you haven't, but was thinking that it's probably more likely and certainly safer to get assistance from an agency than to expose your situation to FB readers.

I apologize if I offended you; on first reading your post, it seemed like a ploy for a handout, and it wouldn't have been the first.

But despite my rudeness, please feel free to post about these issues; there are many knowledge people here who know of agencies that might be able to help.
(1)
Report

Aside from the costs of building this new "cabin" you have already noticed some increase in costs associated with his new living arrangements. You admit you can not leave him alone and only get to sleep in your own bed one night a week and have given up your job to care for him. There will inevitably come a time when he becomes more frail and needs more physical care, help with toileting, bathing, feeding, etc. I fear you have underestimated the physical, emotional and especially the financial toll this will take on you and your family for YEARS to come.
(2)
Report

Thanks for your comment. Many people use go fund me when they have no other option available to them. I'm sorry I posted here. I realize that others also have financial and emotional issues with caring for the elderly themselves, I know from experience :) I am just trying to get the link out there as I am so stressed with bill collectors calling and I will not post the link on my Facebook as I do not want my friends and family to be guilted into giving money. Also I do not want my husband to know about this campaign as he is not one to ask for help, but I am the one dealing with the bills and bill collection calls :) Sorry if this was inappropriate.
(1)
Report

Riverra, first, I'm not sure gofundme requests for financial assistance are appropriate for this forum. We're all caregivers of one nature or another; many of us have are own financial problems or limitations.

Second, there is no way to verify any claims for need of assistance. Anyone can concoct a story that tugs at someone's heartstrings and collect funds. There also is no way to verify that those funds would be used for the purposes stated.

Third, you should be aware that not everyone sees Facebook as an acceptable communication medium. If you've read the TOS, and have any concern for privacy as well as information being commoditized, you'd understand why.

Fourth, whatever idea you might have, and however helpful it might be for others, I have never and will never create a FB account and allow any of my thoughts or posts to be commoditized.

Fifth, if you need help, use the search function (three white bars in the blue menu bar) and search for other posts here which offer advice; this is a frequent question by people who don't understand the intricacies of tapping into federal and state funds for assistance.
(2)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter