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I have been warned by my doctor to give up my cargiving role as my health is been badly affected had to go to emergency and now they want to start a series of tests as im getting bad chest pains. The stress of the last few years has taken its toll and I know now that i have to give this up and get my life back on track.
My mum will have to go to a NH now in the new year and the thoughts of it is depressing me as i never wanted it to get to this? the problem is she is still fairly competent and would just be distraught if she had to go into a NH she dosnt seem to register how ill i am so its going to be tough now.

I will have to tell the family that my health is important now and i cant do this alone there is noone else here to look after her and she cannot live alone anymore.

Im not sleeping as its like a living nightmare just thinking of her been forced into a NH but there is no other solution that i can find.

Im drained and want my life back and try and get my health back to normal the stress of this job is just too much.

Has anyone had to put their parent into a home while they were still fairly competent and very aware?

I feel so bad like ive let her down but the chest pains really scared me its a wake-up call that I cannot do this anymore this is no life for me the constant anxiety will kill me.

I am a smoker so the cigs will have to go next week which is going to be tough on top of stress then im sure to have mood swings and i know mum will annoy me and I dont want to be angry at her. Yep this is going to be tough but I have to do it now as i cant smoke anymore and be constantly stressed i think the chest pains are a warning and hope nothing serious.

Gosh stop smoking,lose weight,put my mum in a home no wonder I dont want to get up in the morning!

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Kazzaa, I can relate so well with you. I alone take care of my dad. (Dementia and cancer).Last week I was having pressure in my chest, couldn't catch a breath, a little dizzy, etc. and couldn't keep my blood pressure down. This went on for 3-4 days. The last day, I got my dad to sleep, got my daughter to stay in the house while he was asleep, and at 10:30 pm, I drove myself to Emergency Room. After exam, I was admitted, and spent three days in the hospital! Had to get nitro-glys patch fro heart, xanex for stress, and anti-biotic because I was developing pnumonia! I'm glad you are going to focus more on yourself. This work we do will surely kill us if we're not careful and more attentive to ourselves. It's not easy I know, because when you have no one else to help, it's hard. I was laying in hospital bed sick, on the phone with my daughter telling her she'd have to stay with my dad until the hospice people could come pick him up. (They can take him in emergency situation for up to 5 days). She argued with me, and hung up on me! She didn't want to miss a few hours from work! She called hospice, and told them she was leaving! Even in hospital I get stress!! I hope you get checked out, and get well soon, and stay well. All the best to you. :)
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BTW, the muscle spasms are alarmingly painful and hit like lightning radiating in my chest. The first time I had one, I thought life was over. I was only around 30 at that time.
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kazzaa, I don't have any advice on your mother. Others have covered it so well. I just wanted to say that I hope whatever is causing the pain in your chest is something besides your heart. I get some severe chest pains at time. It turned out my heart was fine. It was muscle spasms in my chest. They struck (and still do) when I lay certain ways, or sometimes just out of the blue. Each time I have one I am concerned that it is the big one this time. But when I stretch my chest muscles out, the pain goes away. (I'm still waiting for the day when I think my body is "crying wolf" and it is the real thing.)

Great idea to stop smoking. Now I just hope the doctor says your heart is fine. All good thoughts are coming your way.
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In the meantime, until you get the situation changed, either help from siblings, or move to NH. Do not wait to take care of mom before starting to work on your own situation. Accept what you cannot change, do not internalize it. Mom won't take meds, move on, take a walk. Do something for yourself. Put down the cigarettes, I believe you said that is the goal to begin this week.

Best of luck to you!
L
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Did not realize you lived in her home. What are your plans if she goes into a NH?
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I thought I left a comment already??? But get yourself checked out and anxiety meds help a lot . Others here are in the same boat I go to the dr in the morning. Hope she has her day cleared. Lol
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Thanks guys my mum had one week in respite back in august I was under the impression that she would be going in every six weeks but now its every 6mths this just isn't enough for me to get a break you see HERE once they know there is someone living with her you are ignored and left to get on with it.
I will tell the siblings at xmas that she needs a home now as I really need my life back on top of everything else she is not taking her meds properly refuses to see the doc im just drained with her and think that she would live longer in a home as she would have to take her meds etc...... everytime I try to take her meds shes gets very angry and abusive "stop treating me like an idiot or ill kick you out of my house" everyday she dosnt feel well oh surprise she NEVER gets fresh air eats things shes not suppose to then she dosnt feel well????
This is just so stressful I will see her doc this week and I know hes just going to suggest a NH OR maybe she needs a shrink I don't know anymore but my health is now more important. I cant battle with her everyday about her meds etc... if she didn't have serious health problems then you could cope but shes heading for a massive stroke and I hope to god if that happens she wont survive it. There is a point where you can do no more as much as ive tried to keep her in her own home for as long as possible I see now its not always that easy with just a brother down the road that I cant communicate with and family abroad theres no way anyone can do this alone its "madness" excuse the pun! Hugs to you all I think there should be more tv programmes or info about carers and the stress they go through I think government need to wake up to the needs of carers. these elderly have worked and paid their taxes sure they subsidise NH but NEVER homecare which is what they need to be allowed stay in their own homes for as long as possible.
Lifes a pile of KAK sometimes!!!!!!
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Hi there!!! I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I realize that each person has a different story, and stress level. My suggestion is the use of respite care. You stated that you, "never wanted it to get to this". I don't think I could have put my mother somewhere full time, but like you, the stress was getting to me. I was having those familiar thoughts of, "I just want my life back". I love my mom, but the stress was going to drive me crazy. After mom had been living with us for a year, her Dr. suggested respite care. We found a place that will take mom part time. We started it in Oct., and she goes 1 week per month. It has made such a difference in our lives. We just picked her up this past Friday from her November week. She will return Dec. 8th for one week. This gives me something to look forward to each month. That one week makes such a huge difference!!! My husband and I can enjoy our home by ourselves (it is nice not to hear her TV coming from her side of the house (she has her own bedroom, little living room and bathroom). My husband and I were able to go out to eat and not feel like we had to rush to get home...we actually went shopping out of town...went to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal (I'm in Florida, so it isn't far for us)...I went to the Cyndi Lauper concert, at the House of Blues. I just feel like myself again, even if only for 1 week per month..and I don't carry that guilt from putting her there full time. She wasn't happy about it at first, and I will quickly admit, the first time I dropped her off, my stomach was upset over it. I think it was worse than the first day of school for my girls. We both got through it, and the last time was much easier. I talked to her almost everyday on the phone, so I knew she was fine and well taken care of. Respite care may not be your final solution, but it could be a temporary option.
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What is the better scenario: Putting your mother in a nursing home and you living or having your mother go to a nursing home because you are dead. Guilt will not kill you, stress will.
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i usedta sit in my room reading online and occasionally a muscle in the back of my neck would start involuntarily hammering , and id have heart palpitations sometimes. only when i put myself in the mindset of protector and loony bin night watchman did things improve dramatically. perhaps it was a form of detachment, im still not perfectly clear on what transpired over the last year. i must give some credit to the occasional half pint of everclear.
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Kazzaa~Alzheimer/dementis is very demanding on the caregiver. There are too many variables to deal with. At some time your health and well being has to come first. You cannot advocate for your parent if your health is compromised. Create some distance and focus on your health!!
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((((((kazzaa)))))) some of us come to a point where, for our own survival, we have to back off. You are at that point. Stopping smoking will help your symptoms considerably, Looks like lots of change ahead. How are the sibs taking it? Good luck. None of this is easy, but you can do it. I quit smoking over 50 years ago. (((((hugs))))))
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I had to deal with the guilt, as well. Even though my mother is now in a nursing home, I am still VERY much involved (would like not to be). My own health started to deteriorate almost immediately upon her moving in. We managed with her in our house for 3 months before finally sending her to a nursing home. The stress was/is too much.

Don't feel guilty. Your health comes first. It took me a long time to realize that even though my mom is in a nursing home, I should NEVER put my health second to her needs. I felt SO guilt for years. However, you have to remember: what would happen to her if you suddenly died due to your health issues? Therefore, guilt comes last. Take care of yourself.

If your mother is mentally competent (mine isn't), you can contact Adult Protective Services and have them help you relocate her either willingly/unwillingly. A neighbor of mine actually had to EVICT her mother from her house, so her mother could get put into an assisted living facility.

For me, I have a POA (all 3 types) and just put her in one. I immediately felt a lot of stress off my shoulders. It came back within 4 months because the nursing home wasn't doing their job, and it hasn't left since. So, make sure you pick a fantastic place and are VERY clear on your role in your mother's life.

Now that I've finally made a stand against taking care of EVERYTHING, except feeding and changing her, all that stress has basically melted away. I really couldn't of stood my ground with the nursing home or family members, until I came here and asked a lot of questions. Just remember: YOU come first.
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Thanks akd but my mum will not even talk about assisted living there are very few here in Ireland its mainly NH.
We may have to get a court order to get her into a N H as you have to prove shes not safe alone then she will be forced its just a nightmare it sounds awful im hoping she will deteriorate soon and not be too aware but dosnt look like thats going to happen.
You seem to have a much better choice in US for elderly people here its usually a NH assisted living sounds great for her now but she wont hear of it or a home? We have a huge battle ahead all I can do is pray that a solution appears soon?
I will have to get tough and not let emotions get in my way now as my health is now my priority its so hard not to feel guilty ive tired to do this on my own but I cant and I have to face up to that fact now!
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Consider an assisted living facility for mum if one is available in your area. They are more home-like than a nursing home, and the other residents will probably be on a similar level. My mom moved to assisted living two years ago after she fell and broke her ankle. She is still able to perform the activities of daily living and carry on a conversation, but cannot be alone because of the stove, forgetting where she is, etc. I could not be a 24/7 caregiver, so the AL was a compromise. The one she is in now has a lot of activities, and keeps her more entertained than I could.

Do what you need to do for your own health, and don't feel guilty. Mum will be cared for if you need to have medical treatment, and you can reduce your stress level. Ditching the cigs is a huge step in the right direction. Is there a stop smoking support group in your area or a quit line?
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