Being the enemy.


Yep, apparently I now am the enemy. I know it's not her fault, I know it's the progression of the disease but still... just how hurtful can they get? My mother is now telling people that I hit her and threaten her. I just cringe when she starts this... I've told her many times how hurtful it is to me but that seems to just fuel her fire. it's like the more she knows something bothers me, the more she'll do it. She will even make screaming noises if I'm on the phone talking to a friend, so they'll think I'm hurting her. Right mom, I'm talking to a friend and tying you up at the same time. I CRINGE!! Scarily enough, she's threatened to grab the steering wheel and plunge us off the road because she was mad that I didn't tell her where we were going, uhm yes I did, 47 times, she forgets!!! ahhhh

Yesterday was a nightmare...I rescued an adult dog a few weeks ago. This dog doesn't seem to like chickens and I had a back yard rooster. I kept them apart so the dog wouldn't eat my chicken. I'd asked and asked my mom to not open the back door, she knew what would happen. She did it anyway just as soon as I turned my back. She sneaked over and let the dog out. All hell broke lose. I will never get it out of my sight... again, I know it is not her fault, but WHY?

I ended up calling my brothers to come get her, I'd had enough for the day. Of course once they get here, it's all my fault. I need to learn how to "shut it out" or learn how to manipulate her to do things. I get how easy it is for them to stop by occasionally and be the hero, but I can't do it/ 24/7. Oh yeah, that's my fault too because I don't hire someone to sit with her so I can have a few precious hours away from the house. They don't work in the winter, my oldest brothers wife hasn't worked in years, but because she doesn't like me, she won't have mom over to her house. All 3 of my brothers love to sit around and comment about me and what I do. Sad when you have to delete your own brothers from your FB page so they can't talk about you. Even worse, delete them so you can't see all the fun things they go do while I sit here with mom.

I can't be angry at her (can I)? I should have put the child proof cap back on the door, but knowing what would happen, I would have thought she wouldn't go ahead and do it... so much for my thinking. I just want to crawl in a hole and hide, but... I've got to pick up 8,000 feathers :(

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Find Care & Housing


And Jeanette I applaud you for rescuing the dog. I've had big rescues life long and they all comes with issues, though this certainly wasn't the dog's fault or yours. I hope to keep chickens in the future and proper on leash introductions will be made. The little dog, inherited from my mother, has never seen a chicken but she runs away from grass snakes lol, The big one I don't know as she was 7 when she can home last year.

Does your mother have dementia? Mine, now in a NH, has had it for a number of years and it's just about full blown. It's been a long and rocky road.

God bless you.

Jeanette in the end a nursing home is your only answer where your mother will receive professional care 24/7 before the stress kills you.

My heart goes out to all of you whom are undertaking the very same challenges as I am. My mom normally has several good days in a row... but when that flip is switched, it IS as if she does things on purpose. "How was she when she was younger", from what I remember and have been told, very scheming, especially towards my late father. She also tried to commit suicide a few times when I was very young. 4 kids, my two oldest brothers are 1 year apart in age, but...9 years apart from me and my 3rd brother. Typical dysfunctional family... dad was an alcoholic and often times all of us kids were left to fend for ourselves as she'd rather run after my dad. Oh well, the past is the past....except the past has a way of rearing it's ugly head far into the future. Bleh.

I know that I am not being criticized or disrespected with your thoughtful replies. I'm just very grateful this forum exists to offer help in any form.

My brothers showed up with mom late yesterday afternoon. I felt SO bad for her. She was like a lost child...I was told that she worried all night about me and my dogs... breaks my heart when she's like that, but then that switch flips and her eyes fill with meanness and ... anyway, back to the brothers... we had a very long no holds barred conversation. They both understand that I will NOT do this by myself anymore, I've already had a Realtor here and this house can and will be listed if things continue like this. They agreed that they should do more, oldest brother also agreed that his wife is being a pissy bitch and using her fabricated anger at me to not help with mom. We ALL agreed that money will be spent to hire qualified care at a minimum 3 days a week as well as a monthly house cleaning service (and and tree service). I'm not the maid, the cook, the laundress, the butt wiper, entertainment...ect, I'm sure all you guys get it? Mom has enough of an income to do this and it hopefully will happen. If not, I agree, this will kill me.

My brothers(the two here) are nice men. This last 16 months has been traumatizing on all of us. Watching my father die I think was the hardest... just know I've seen things no daughter should ever have to see their father going through. Least not this daughter. We all came to the conclusion that WE ALL need to try harder and do more for each other, as it is only going to get worth with mom. I sent them home with the book, "the 36 hour day" to educate themselves a little bit more on what goes on here and what is going to happen very soon.

It all just sucks!! Winter doesn't help either. I feel like I've been beat up and this is pretty much a daily feeling. Guess I will take some of the blame as I could have hired someone to do some of what I do, but I didn't... I was worried about backlash on spending her money on a housekeeper or babysitter as I'm here, not am I that lazy that I need to hire someone.

Yeegads I wish I could shut my thoughts off for awhile!!!

((((Hugs)))) to everyone :)

Jeanette, my heart goes out to you. I don't know how you do this 24/ shouldn't have to, if there is ANY way that your mom qualifies for NH care, it's time to do it. The caregiving is going to KILL you; not harm you, but KILL you. It's not about your brothers not stepping up, it's about your mother needing professional care from folks who go off shift after 8 hours. And who don't have family history to contend with. God bless you, and hugs!

JessieBelle, I am glad to hear you are looking at care facilities. Caring for someone with dementia is one thing (and extremely challenging). Add in borderline personality disorder and I don't know how an individual survives the caregiving role! You have done a remarkable job. If it is time for Mom to move on, I wish you success with that transition.

Jeannette, we hear so often that it is not their fault, but the disease. I don't know about others, but to me there seems to be a deep seed of resentment in many people with dementia. It can seem purposeful and evil, like they are trying to take others down with them. What other reason would someone say that they are going to need to go to the hospital in a few minutes, then scream they are dying, when nothing is wrong with them. The only conclusion I can come up with is they want to see the caregiver's blood pressure go to 160 in a second's time. What you mother does is even more extreme than what mine does and I don't know how you tolerate it. I have decided in my mother's case that it is time to look at NHs. The stress is killing me, and it sometimes seems it is what she is trying to do. Misery loves company, and her dementia is not bad enough to say that it is just the disease. In my mother's case, it is a personality disorder (borderline). I wondered what your mother was like when she was younger.

Ah Jeanette, I am so, so sorry about the dog and rooster incident. Please accept a compassionate cyber hug.

We all know about family members who don't get it -- can't get it -- because they are around for such a short time. It really sucks. Often (but not always) they are decent people but just clueless.

You live with her and you don't quite get it yourself. (NO disrespect intended.) You would have thought she would listen to reason and not open the door. But she can't listen to reason. Her reasoner is broken. One part of you knows that (much better than your brothers do), but another part still thinks you can leave the child proof cap off.

You know it is not her fault that she can't remember squat, but another part of you can't repeat the answer to her question the 48th time.

I am not criticizing. I'm not sure I could answer the same question calmly the 20th time. It is not your fault that you snap sometimes. It is not your mother's fault, for sure. And it really isn't your brothers' fault. These same things would be happening if you were an only child.

Mom has something wrong with her brain. Upon autopsy they would find tangles or plaques or protein deposits or atrophy or whatever is characteristic of her kind of dementia. That is there all the time. Sometimes people with dementia can have very good hours or days. It is tempting to think they understand something and it isn't necessary to take precautions. She understands not to open the backdoor. And then, whamO, the good hour is over. Very, very frustrating for a caregiver! It some ways it would be easier if they were consistently out of it (but few of us wish for that.)

You know it is not her fault, but WHY? Why indeed. Researchers are racing to uncover the whys of dementia so they can work on a cure or even prevention. For now the only answer is "because she has dementia." Not very satisfying.

What is Mom's financial situation? Can she afford to pay for some in-home care? I think it is pretty obvious you can't count on your brothers and you really do deserve some help!

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