All dressed up, but nowhere to go.

Started by

I was going to take Mom out to eat tonight. She took a shower, but instead of getting dressed, she put on pajamas. I asked her why and she was said it was because her back hurt. She said she would go get dressed. I got dressed and ready to go. She just came back in my room, still in pajamas, saying she had a problem. Her blood sugar was 94. I told her it was no problem, to just eat some crackers.

Then I added that if she didn't want to go out to dinner tonight, we didn't have to.

This can be so exasperating, especially after I just wasted half of my day looking for a new bed that she had to have RIGHT NOW. I found one and she said I shouldn't worry about it, because she didn't need a bed. Maybe she will in the future. Talk about feeling totally jerked around. See if I ever look for her a bed again! The woman is beyond.

21 Comments

Oh, I get this one. I get what you're saying very much. I have spent so much time running around in circles to appease my father's (and other family's) "needs"… which apparently, really ARE just whims…

For example, my brother tells me our father needs a cell phone. I ask my father, do you want a cell phone? He says yes, he would like one. I spent MONTHS getting him a cell phone through the elderly/in need free cell phone providers. I spent MONTHS getting the documents together, trying to get it all sorted out. Finally the phone comes, I try to teach my father to use it. He doesn't take to it at all and says he doesn't want it. I call my out of state brother and say, "Do you really insist Dad have a cell phone?" Bro acted like he didn't know what I was talking about and said, no, dad didn't need a cell phone. I sent the stupid thing back.

This is just one example of how my father (sometimes other people) says he needs something, I spend time and effort working on it, then turns out he really doesn't need/want. Its frustrating. "Jerked around" is a good way to put it. I also feel completely taken for granted.
Been there. Done that. Tried not to do it again. Did it again. Still trying. Know I will do it again. Sigh.
She came back in, still dressed in her pajamas, and said we could go out to eat. I calculated in my head -- it will take 30 minutes to get dressed, 20 minutes to use the bathroom twice. I told her we would do it another night and she told me I was being stupid. I was mentally already in down mode.

In my young and free days I would have gone out to dinner by myself. But now someone has to cook for da mom. If you ever see me in public you'll know me right away. I'll be the one with the crazy look on my face.
Alison, I think I would have told your dad, "You WILL use a cell phone." That was a lot to go through to be dismissed like that.

I'm really kind of glad my mother decided she didn't need a bed. When we get anything new she is never happy with it, so wants to return it. And any new thing we do or buy gets blamed for her symptoms. So I knew that a new bed would perhaps have to be returned, and the replacement would become the new reason for her bad back. It is impossible to make my mother happy.
my mom always had to " go find somebody " in a grocery store, meaning find am employee to assist her. its all freakin soylent of various colors, please just grab one.
jesse, that crazy look isnt just a look, its a condition.
" all dressed up , but nowhere to go " .
this is just too easy -- you just described an athiest in a casket. ( smirk)
in rereading, the smirk is justifiable.
Jessie - BTDT and doing it less and less -

boni - you can cut back.

mother takes it a step or two further - begs me to do things, says they are urgent, then asks 2 or 3 other people to do the same thing, then usually does it herself, then tells me off with real nastiness for interfering. The last time she did that I reamed her out - remember she does not have dementia - and told her to NOT ask me to do things if she was going to do it herself or ask others, to NOT give me people's phone numbers and emails if she does not want me to contact them, as this ends up in a lose-lose situation and I was NOT going to engage in those. And if she got nasty to me she could expect that she would not see me for quite a while. That last one would not work if you are living together. and is one of the reasons she is not with me. I drew those lines last Christmas and did not see her as often as usual last year. One reason was that she said she would see me but not Gary. Well, if we were driving by I was not having him sit in the truck while I visited her. If I was in town by myself or he was otherwise occupied fine. I suspect if she could break us up she would. She must come first. - the narcissism.

Often I say I will look into it and see if she forgets about it or does it herself. That usually works. I look into it for about 5 minutes, as in the past I have wasted hours and hours and hours. No more!
Let me tell you it is an herculean effort to go all the way to do things with your parents. I really get annoyed when my father demands that I take him somewhere knowing very well that I have other plans. Is it me or when your parents get a certain age they get very narcissistic I don't even bother to do things with my parents because all they do is bitch and complain such as the food isn't right, why do I have to wait in line etc etc..
@ bmorehappy,
if you were 80 + yrs old, nearly blind, and had diabetic neuropathy so badly you couldnt feel your feet, you would probably be pretty negative too. hell if i get a little bit of temporary summer n**rash im to be avoided.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support