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I have no help from siblings makes me think how to get back at them. I don't mean kill them with kindness. I just want them to have a wakeup call. My health is ailing and I have never had a holiday away or been on a weekend getaway to refresh. Depression and anxiety plague my daily living and I believe they are just awaiting the moment they can declare me incompetent. I feel blessed to be in the position to care and tend to my fathers needs, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I say to myself I have no family, not in the sense where there is love and concern for those in pain. I live for the day when my dad has passed and I can kiss this life goodbye.

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IRISH! She said "I live for the day my dad has passed - SO I CAN KISS THIS LIFE GOODBYE!" She has made up her mind to be here as long as her dad lives, however agonizing it is for her, but is not so sure there is anything left for her after that. This is serious burnout and despair, not just some kind of laziness or uncaring. There is a wonderful book out there - many years ago I read my copy and gave it away to someone who needed it the way I had - it had helped me stop feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad as well as just feeling bad - called The Secret Strength of Depression. randomhouse/acmart/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781578262755&view=printexcerpt
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Thanks, Pam. That's changed from the last time I looked so I really appreciate your note. People can click on the "locate an ombudsman box" and then when they get a map, they click on their state. That will give them a contact.

Also, most states will give you ombudsman links on their own website. Type the name of the state and "aging" in the browser and for most states (likely not all) you'll find a way to find the ombudsman program for that state. This should lead people to one who covers that home. People can also ask the nursing home who the ombudsman is.

Thanks again for the update, Pam. You're right on it!
Carol
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Carol, I went to that page. There is no place to put in a zipcode.
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"Nice," I agree that the deeper message here is your very real depression and burnout. You can't help your father if you are on the brink of giving up on yourself.

A good nursing home should be able to help you feel that you can leave your loved one there and expect decent care at all times. While some people use a nursing home as a place to "leave" a loved one, many of us who have loved ones in a nursing home spend a great deal of time there with them.

Whatever the case, you should be able to leave your dad there for a time without worry. Since that doesn't seem to be the case, contacting the ombudsman for the home may help. You can go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the home's Zip code. The contact you get is your representative. If the home is not giving proper care, they need to be reported and your dad moved.

Unfortunately, this means a lot of emotional energy and I don't think you have a lot more to give. This is one time when you need to put yourself first. Get some counseling. Ignore the family members who won't help but like to criticize. If you aren't sure where to go for help for yourself, call your local human services. Many offer counseling on a sliding scale and these same people may be able to put into action a program to help your dad.

Please understand - you must have emotional support. Your dad would feel awful if he understood how you feel. We are all behind you.
Carol
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First off, I wasn't the one who asked originally for a clarification. That was jeannegibbs, and it is a valid question. I wouldn't have even thought to check someone's profile.

Having taken care of not one but two parents AT HOME, I guess I am little sensitive when I see someone acting like they're doing hands on care 24/7 when in reality the parent is in a NH.

I had a woman tell me she was a "caregiver" like me, that involved calling her mother up twice a week who lived in another state....LOL. She thought that was caregiving.

And as Linda22 said when the parent goes from the home leaving the caregiver to a NH you go from caregiver to managing the care provided by the staff.

Sorry you found your father in that condition, but unless that was due to something running amuck that day, than you need to look at other places.

And yes your comment(your words not mine) were cold. It's one thing to say something like "this sounds terrible but life will be easier when dad passes", but to say "I live for the day my dad has passed"....cold.

And there is no reason someone who has their elderly parent placed in a NH can't take a few days off from visiting if the place is decent, if it isn't, than why is the parent there?

And when you post be clear and concise, people aren't mind readers.
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Vstefans, I think you may have uncovered the "deeper message" here. I hope 50alwaysnice takes you seriously.
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OMG 50alwaysnice...

I just ended up writing about this on Sermo today!!! There is such a thing as being not really "too nice" per se, but nice the wrong way, and that leads to feeling like a doormat - stepped on and dirt wiped off on you. That deeper message is that the siblings are bad hateful people for not helping you, and punishing them by harming yourself or just dying of despair is one of your options, no??

GET HELP FOR YOUR DEPRESSION. They failed and continue to fail to do what you think they should be doing, but that does not have to ruin your life. You almost certainly need help to be able to see this differently and stop letting it eat you alive. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. You deserve to have some positive pride in that you decided to stand by your dad in ways that they didn't. You may not feel like you deserve anything or could even imagine any right to be happy because your father is ill - or to put it another way you can't imagine enjoying your self or your life while he is in such bad shape, but even though it is a sad time of his life, it isn't true. Take that first step and call, wherever you are, just call someone in the mental health biz, even a suicide hotline even if you would never do that, and tell them you find yourself thinking that death is the only way out of misery for you and you need help.
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50alwaysnice, like the others above I also misunderstood your post thinking you were doing all three eight-hour shifts of being a Caregiver either at your home or at your father's home.

Curious how long were you doing hands-on care prior to placing your Dad into a nursing home? Could be that stress hadn't diminished but carried itself over to today. How long has your Dad been in the nursing home? How often you do find your Dad with a bed in such a mess? Once? Every day? If it is everyday, talk to the head employee to see what can be done to limit this situation.
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By the way, what is the "deeper message" here?
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If you are doing that kind of care at the nursing home regularly, time to find another nursing home! Any care center can have a "bad day" when three team members are out with the flu, half the residents are sick, and there is a crisis with a fall. No place is perfect 100% of the time. But if you need to continue daily care such that you can't even leave for a weekend, wow, report that place and find a better one.

It is not your brothers or sisters who need to relieve you at this point. It is the care center itself. Stop living for the day when your dad has passed and take some action to correct the situation, now.
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Nice, in defense of irish, who has walked the walk - it's reasonable to assume that when one's parent is in NH, one transitions from daily caregiver to support team. From your posting, no one knew that you were doing hands on care at the NH, only that you're upset with your siblings lack of involvement and stressed out. FWIW, the big issue is whether the care at the NH is substandard, and if so, time to move Dad.
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again to irishboy, I guess I am not always nice....when it comes to those misunderstanding my message in so little space and time. so I send angels to surround you and fill you with a clearer vision. you may need more love and care than me and those in nh.
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dear irishboy, one should not be so quick to judge... you are so off target. have you ever found your dad in a nh environment laying in bed with feces and urine, unattended dazed and confused and having to clean him up and the room as well? and there's more to this but I think you are the one that is cold. please don't respond to my posts again as you are missing the deeper message here.
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That is what I was wondering? Sorry, you're "managing" someone's care when they're in a NH, you're not a primary caregiver. I also think the comment "I live for the day when my dad has passed" is rather cold. I could understand the frustration if you're a sole caregiver taking care of someone at home, but your father per your profile says he is in a NH. Even if you go everyday to see him, that is hardly caregiving. That is visiting and managing....big difference.
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50alwaysnice, I just noticed that your profile says your father is in a nursing home. Is that correct? If so, I'm confused about why you can't take a weekend (or 2 weeks) away. How much time do you spend with your father? Please help us understand the whole picture.
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Forget your siblings. They made their decisions. You made yours. Do the best you can to carry out that decision, or allow yourself to make a different decision. What your siblings do is not under your control. Don't waste precious emotional energy on them.

You need a break. You need to get away from the caregiving responsibilities regularly. Call your local agency on aging and ask for advice. Look into day care possibilities. Ask about respite care for a weekend.

Does you dad have money to pay for some additional help? Would he qualify for Medicaid? You cannot carry this weight alone indefinitely. You need some in-home help.

Is your depression and anxiety being treated? Please share your concerns with your doctor. You are a unique, loving, caring, worthwhile individual. You deserve to take care of your health for your own sake, and in order to continue helping your dad.
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I think you are approaching burn-out where you will not be able to care for him. We are not getting any younger! If your MD recommends you step back and let someone else take care of him, do so asap.
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Sometimes I think we "keep on truckin'" because we know we have a job to do. And sometimes? After the job is done? We find we aren't carrying around a 200-pound sack off ****; and we're ready to re-engage with life. I hope you fall into the latter category. (Me, too.)

I'm an only, so I have nowhere to put my frustrations. You're not. You have siblings to judge. ;) Do you not feel that care giving for your dad is a gift? I feel that way about mom. As hard as it is . . . as frustrating as it's become . . . it sounds like you DO feel that way because you say you feel blessed. (And you are. I really believe this.)

How can we NOT want to peck ourselves bald-headed some days? This morning, it took me a half-hour to get mom from the potty chair next to her bed to her wheelchair in the living room. I'm determined to keep her on her feet. It's becoming more and more the challenge. Every time I tried to help her up with her gait belt and a helping grasp under her arm, she stuck her feet straight out in front of her as if she expected me to VAULT her into the living room. OMG.

It's going to be one of those days. Fortunately, the Adult Daycare Center is the one who's going to be dealing with that today. At least I hope so. ;)

Just as I have, you've made the decision not to place your dad into a nursing home. An admirable decision. But that decision was yours. It wasn't your siblings'. You decided to do that. Money or not money, your dad could probably be placed within thirty days at most.

You alone have made that decision. And since you made the decision? You have to own it. At least that's the way I personally feel.

It helps to vent here. It really does. And we all learn a great deal -- sometimes solving problems for us we have . . . sometimes showing us a glimpse of the road ahead . . . and sometimes just finding a place where we can share our inner-most thoughts and expect honest feedback.

Perhaps it is YOU that needs the wake-up call, Nice. Perhaps it's time to do something different. Any time in my life that I've expected others to feel or think a different way? I've been disappointed. I'm not surprised you're having the same trouble.
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