I give up, caring for sick Dad.

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I have no help from siblings makes me think how to get back at them. I don't mean kill them with kindness. I just want them to have a wakeup call. My health is ailing and I have never had a holiday away or been on a weekend getaway to refresh. Depression and anxiety plague my daily living and I believe they are just awaiting the moment they can declare me incompetent. I feel blessed to be in the position to care and tend to my fathers needs, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I say to myself I have no family, not in the sense where there is love and concern for those in pain. I live for the day when my dad has passed and I can kiss this life goodbye.

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IRISH! She said "I live for the day my dad has passed - SO I CAN KISS THIS LIFE GOODBYE!" She has made up her mind to be here as long as her dad lives, however agonizing it is for her, but is not so sure there is anything left for her after that. This is serious burnout and despair, not just some kind of laziness or uncaring. There is a wonderful book out there - many years ago I read my copy and gave it away to someone who needed it the way I had - it had helped me stop feeling bad ABOUT feeling bad as well as just feeling bad - called The Secret Strength of Depression. randomhouse/acmart/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781578262755&view=printexcerpt
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Thanks, Pam. That's changed from the last time I looked so I really appreciate your note. People can click on the "locate an ombudsman box" and then when they get a map, they click on their state. That will give them a contact.

Also, most states will give you ombudsman links on their own website. Type the name of the state and "aging" in the browser and for most states (likely not all) you'll find a way to find the ombudsman program for that state. This should lead people to one who covers that home. People can also ask the nursing home who the ombudsman is.

Thanks again for the update, Pam. You're right on it!
Carol
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Carol, I went to that page. There is no place to put in a zipcode.
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"Nice," I agree that the deeper message here is your very real depression and burnout. You can't help your father if you are on the brink of giving up on yourself.

A good nursing home should be able to help you feel that you can leave your loved one there and expect decent care at all times. While some people use a nursing home as a place to "leave" a loved one, many of us who have loved ones in a nursing home spend a great deal of time there with them.

Whatever the case, you should be able to leave your dad there for a time without worry. Since that doesn't seem to be the case, contacting the ombudsman for the home may help. You can go to www.ltcombudsman.org and type in the home's Zip code. The contact you get is your representative. If the home is not giving proper care, they need to be reported and your dad moved.

Unfortunately, this means a lot of emotional energy and I don't think you have a lot more to give. This is one time when you need to put yourself first. Get some counseling. Ignore the family members who won't help but like to criticize. If you aren't sure where to go for help for yourself, call your local human services. Many offer counseling on a sliding scale and these same people may be able to put into action a program to help your dad.

Please understand - you must have emotional support. Your dad would feel awful if he understood how you feel. We are all behind you.
Carol
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First off, I wasn't the one who asked originally for a clarification. That was jeannegibbs, and it is a valid question. I wouldn't have even thought to check someone's profile.

Having taken care of not one but two parents AT HOME, I guess I am little sensitive when I see someone acting like they're doing hands on care 24/7 when in reality the parent is in a NH.

I had a woman tell me she was a "caregiver" like me, that involved calling her mother up twice a week who lived in another state....LOL. She thought that was caregiving.

And as Linda22 said when the parent goes from the home leaving the caregiver to a NH you go from caregiver to managing the care provided by the staff.

Sorry you found your father in that condition, but unless that was due to something running amuck that day, than you need to look at other places.

And yes your comment(your words not mine) were cold. It's one thing to say something like "this sounds terrible but life will be easier when dad passes", but to say "I live for the day my dad has passed"....cold.

And there is no reason someone who has their elderly parent placed in a NH can't take a few days off from visiting if the place is decent, if it isn't, than why is the parent there?

And when you post be clear and concise, people aren't mind readers.
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Vstefans, I think you may have uncovered the "deeper message" here. I hope 50alwaysnice takes you seriously.
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OMG 50alwaysnice...

I just ended up writing about this on Sermo today!!! There is such a thing as being not really "too nice" per se, but nice the wrong way, and that leads to feeling like a doormat - stepped on and dirt wiped off on you. That deeper message is that the siblings are bad hateful people for not helping you, and punishing them by harming yourself or just dying of despair is one of your options, no??

GET HELP FOR YOUR DEPRESSION. They failed and continue to fail to do what you think they should be doing, but that does not have to ruin your life. You almost certainly need help to be able to see this differently and stop letting it eat you alive. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. You deserve to have some positive pride in that you decided to stand by your dad in ways that they didn't. You may not feel like you deserve anything or could even imagine any right to be happy because your father is ill - or to put it another way you can't imagine enjoying your self or your life while he is in such bad shape, but even though it is a sad time of his life, it isn't true. Take that first step and call, wherever you are, just call someone in the mental health biz, even a suicide hotline even if you would never do that, and tell them you find yourself thinking that death is the only way out of misery for you and you need help.
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50alwaysnice, like the others above I also misunderstood your post thinking you were doing all three eight-hour shifts of being a Caregiver either at your home or at your father's home.

Curious how long were you doing hands-on care prior to placing your Dad into a nursing home? Could be that stress hadn't diminished but carried itself over to today. How long has your Dad been in the nursing home? How often you do find your Dad with a bed in such a mess? Once? Every day? If it is everyday, talk to the head employee to see what can be done to limit this situation.
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By the way, what is the "deeper message" here?
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If you are doing that kind of care at the nursing home regularly, time to find another nursing home! Any care center can have a "bad day" when three team members are out with the flu, half the residents are sick, and there is a crisis with a fall. No place is perfect 100% of the time. But if you need to continue daily care such that you can't even leave for a weekend, wow, report that place and find a better one.

It is not your brothers or sisters who need to relieve you at this point. It is the care center itself. Stop living for the day when your dad has passed and take some action to correct the situation, now.
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