I give up, caring for sick Dad.

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I have no help from siblings makes me think how to get back at them. I don't mean kill them with kindness. I just want them to have a wakeup call. My health is ailing and I have never had a holiday away or been on a weekend getaway to refresh. Depression and anxiety plague my daily living and I believe they are just awaiting the moment they can declare me incompetent. I feel blessed to be in the position to care and tend to my fathers needs, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I say to myself I have no family, not in the sense where there is love and concern for those in pain. I live for the day when my dad has passed and I can kiss this life goodbye.

18 Comments

Sometimes I think we "keep on truckin'" because we know we have a job to do. And sometimes? After the job is done? We find we aren't carrying around a 200-pound sack off ****; and we're ready to re-engage with life. I hope you fall into the latter category. (Me, too.)

I'm an only, so I have nowhere to put my frustrations. You're not. You have siblings to judge. ;) Do you not feel that care giving for your dad is a gift? I feel that way about mom. As hard as it is . . . as frustrating as it's become . . . it sounds like you DO feel that way because you say you feel blessed. (And you are. I really believe this.)

How can we NOT want to peck ourselves bald-headed some days? This morning, it took me a half-hour to get mom from the potty chair next to her bed to her wheelchair in the living room. I'm determined to keep her on her feet. It's becoming more and more the challenge. Every time I tried to help her up with her gait belt and a helping grasp under her arm, she stuck her feet straight out in front of her as if she expected me to VAULT her into the living room. OMG.

It's going to be one of those days. Fortunately, the Adult Daycare Center is the one who's going to be dealing with that today. At least I hope so. ;)

Just as I have, you've made the decision not to place your dad into a nursing home. An admirable decision. But that decision was yours. It wasn't your siblings'. You decided to do that. Money or not money, your dad could probably be placed within thirty days at most.

You alone have made that decision. And since you made the decision? You have to own it. At least that's the way I personally feel.

It helps to vent here. It really does. And we all learn a great deal -- sometimes solving problems for us we have . . . sometimes showing us a glimpse of the road ahead . . . and sometimes just finding a place where we can share our inner-most thoughts and expect honest feedback.

Perhaps it is YOU that needs the wake-up call, Nice. Perhaps it's time to do something different. Any time in my life that I've expected others to feel or think a different way? I've been disappointed. I'm not surprised you're having the same trouble.
I think you are approaching burn-out where you will not be able to care for him. We are not getting any younger! If your MD recommends you step back and let someone else take care of him, do so asap.
Forget your siblings. They made their decisions. You made yours. Do the best you can to carry out that decision, or allow yourself to make a different decision. What your siblings do is not under your control. Don't waste precious emotional energy on them.

You need a break. You need to get away from the caregiving responsibilities regularly. Call your local agency on aging and ask for advice. Look into day care possibilities. Ask about respite care for a weekend.

Does you dad have money to pay for some additional help? Would he qualify for Medicaid? You cannot carry this weight alone indefinitely. You need some in-home help.

Is your depression and anxiety being treated? Please share your concerns with your doctor. You are a unique, loving, caring, worthwhile individual. You deserve to take care of your health for your own sake, and in order to continue helping your dad.
50alwaysnice, I just noticed that your profile says your father is in a nursing home. Is that correct? If so, I'm confused about why you can't take a weekend (or 2 weeks) away. How much time do you spend with your father? Please help us understand the whole picture.
That is what I was wondering? Sorry, you're "managing" someone's care when they're in a NH, you're not a primary caregiver. I also think the comment "I live for the day when my dad has passed" is rather cold. I could understand the frustration if you're a sole caregiver taking care of someone at home, but your father per your profile says he is in a NH. Even if you go everyday to see him, that is hardly caregiving. That is visiting and managing....big difference.
dear irishboy, one should not be so quick to judge... you are so off target. have you ever found your dad in a nh environment laying in bed with feces and urine, unattended dazed and confused and having to clean him up and the room as well? and there's more to this but I think you are the one that is cold. please don't respond to my posts again as you are missing the deeper message here.
again to irishboy, I guess I am not always nice....when it comes to those misunderstanding my message in so little space and time. so I send angels to surround you and fill you with a clearer vision. you may need more love and care than me and those in nh.
Nice, in defense of irish, who has walked the walk - it's reasonable to assume that when one's parent is in NH, one transitions from daily caregiver to support team. From your posting, no one knew that you were doing hands on care at the NH, only that you're upset with your siblings lack of involvement and stressed out. FWIW, the big issue is whether the care at the NH is substandard, and if so, time to move Dad.
If you are doing that kind of care at the nursing home regularly, time to find another nursing home! Any care center can have a "bad day" when three team members are out with the flu, half the residents are sick, and there is a crisis with a fall. No place is perfect 100% of the time. But if you need to continue daily care such that you can't even leave for a weekend, wow, report that place and find a better one.

It is not your brothers or sisters who need to relieve you at this point. It is the care center itself. Stop living for the day when your dad has passed and take some action to correct the situation, now.
By the way, what is the "deeper message" here?

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