Caregiver. That pretty much defines me because I have lost everything else that seems to define me.

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Google 'caregiver burnout' and see what you find...you will find a great deal of sites that want you to 'take care of yourself, rest up and find the time to gather the strength to carry on' Big deal. What about the sites that show how angry you are? What about all those sites that tell you that it's ok to fight and yell and scream and hate your life because everyone around you talks about how great theirs is??? There are a million advice sites that tell you to go take a walk, go get some retails therapy and basically tell you up the wazoo to 'take time for yourself' but what about the sites where you can write about how really miserable you are? The sites about how no matter how much you've done for the person you got stuck caring for that they still tell you that you don't do anything for them, that you are completely selfish and a terrible person for thinking about no one but yourself? Show me the websites that say it's OK to wish the person you're caring for would die because you see no other way out of this life. Where are the sites that say it's ok if you really wanna scream at the person you're caring for about how fucking LUCKY they are to have you there? Show me those. There are a million sites that say, breathe and find your inner strength to carry on but what if you have none left? We're supposed to be moving out in a month and yet nothing has been done and no decisions have been made which is really tangling with the notion of making me stay but I refuse. Show me a site that tells me 1. Not to feel guilty 2.one that tells me that my siblings are rotten selfish individuals for not helping me all these years 3. one that tells me its ok to think about MYSELF for a change 4. one that doesn't tell me what a saint I am for doing this...

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I praise you for being so truthful. Hug.
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"Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape."
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No one is pushing you to place your mother in a Nursing home or an Assisted Living facility. Please remember what I said when the time has come to make a decision. Obviously that time is not here yet. Good wishes to you, Victoria.
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Please listen to cattails - she is an awesome advocate here and has helped me find my way more than once. I agree, some nursing homes are terrible and down right scary with smells to knock you down. I've been inside some of them - breaks my heart for those there. Nice to meet you here on agingcare.com and I hope I can find the right words to make you stay and write away - thank you.
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I won't be following this thread any longer. I just wanted to come in one last time and apologize to everyone here for my outbursts. I especially want to apologize to N1K2R3, because I know you meant nothing negative in the least and I came at you in a completely negative fashion all the while claiming that "I can appreciate...". I could make my excuses and trust me, in my head I have. But whatever my reasons and/or excuses may be, that doesn't mean I have a right to come in and brow-beat people just because I disagree. Take care everyone...
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I'm sorry you find this thread upsetting PunchNJudy, and mommag, take a risk and let your voice be heard.... but the beauty and the blessing of any of our threads is to allow us all to have a voice... regardless of what the voice has to say... There are as many personalities on here as there are fingerprints... each different, yet unique.... when someone pushes a button, well, my thoughts are, we learn something about ourself... there are no rights or wrongs, we each have an opinion, I personally take what I need and leave the rest.... Not everyone on here likes me, or likes what I have to say... and that's ok.... I have been provided with an invaluable tool to help me keep my sanity, to have a place to rest my weary caregiving soul and mind, to get and give support, to laugh, to cry, to get insulted, and to reply....
If all of us got to meet up in some huge stadium, what are the chances we would all get along? Not likely... but ya know what, I would gravitate toward those that were like minded, had a sense of humor, and well, just would want to meet everyone I could as to broaden my own experiances....
Take a moment and think about how many people are on this sight... we really have no way of knowing as many just read and don't post.... I am here for me, if someone gets something from what I share, then great, if not, it wasn't the message for them, but someone else sharing may have just the right words to help that person.... if things get crazy, admin steps in... has happened before, will happen again....It's like a huge caregiver "playground", and there is bound to be conflict sometimes... we are human, we are tired, we are sensitive, we are stubborn, we are caregivers with many things in common, and yet very different... I love this sight, warts and all..... makes life interesting, I learn something new everyday coming here.....
So with that long winded monologue, the point I'm trying to make is, take what you need and leave the rest, take the risk to say how you feel, if someone doesn't like it, well, they have the right to not like it....all of our voices are important... each and every ones voice is important..... so hugs to you all, this is LIFE, and no one on the face of the earth understands me better than another caregiver, In REAL LIFE no one agrees about everything all the time... it's LIFE.... so be a part of this blessing called AC, make a difference in someone's life, get the words you needed to hear, give a hug, stand up for what you believe, share what someone else may need to hear......
Or don't, isn't that awesome that we have that choice...... it's all ok, what ever we choose to do... do what's right for you..... hugs across the miles to all of you....
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absolutely I feel no guilt for having resented my mother, felt hate and disgust for her and wished she'd just pass in her sleep (She is 94 and in chronic pain) I too am handicapped and it was HER OR ME - so I eventually put her in nursing home. If I'd go see her she'd do the guilt trip "you are selfish, take me home - you don't have to stay with me my mom will help me (Her mom is dead of course) You are nasty for puttiing me in this place, you wanted my house and money, you stole my medicine, you did not feed me - OVER AND OVER and
people staring for of course it agitates me. She's been there over two weeks and they tell me night and day she calls out where is my daughter - I wanna go home - call her, blah blah. sigh -SEE old folks with dementia have already passed from their usual self - it's not then you are dealing with - it's a total different personality.

I don't even know if I can cry when she passes as I've cried so much and been so exhausted and worried for 15 months now.
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PunchNJudy...if you are set up with email notices, you will see towards the bottom of the notice "unsubscribe from this discussion"....press that and you will not receive updates any longer. I find myself not posting things because of the fear of some of the responses. I have spent an hour typing a response and just deleting it with the feeling of "who cares what I think!" Take care Punch, maybe see you on another thread :)
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People all have their hearts in the right place and are offering suggestions in the spirit of trying to help but brittle nerves seem to take it other ways, I guess. I'm not going to follow this discussion thread any longer as I am finding it upsetting, actually, so I need to see how I take myself out of this one on the site. There are so many discussions on here that have hundreds of replies to questions that are seemingly welcomed with open arms. Just the same, I wish my very, very best heartfelt good wishes and will continue to pray!
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N1K2R3, I can appreciate what you're saying. However, I would really also appreciate it if you would quit pushing the NH idea. For my mother and I it's a no-brainer. I won't be able to take care of her indefinitely and if she lives longer than I'm able to care for for, she will most definitely end up in one. My problem with your post is the feeling I got is you seem to pushing people in that direction as if to say that we should not be wasting our time caring for the people we love. Put them in a home and get on with our lives is the message I'm getting from you and that is something I don't appreciate hearing. I'll give up my mom when I'm ready and not before. We do have the choice to care for them and it's NOT a waste of my time. Also, in our situation, because we're low income, we are not likely going to get to choose what nursing home she gets to live in. The state is very likely to say where she'll go and I'll like it or else. So those "fantastic" NH's you mentioned are not likely to be options for us. I know exactly where the state is going to put my mom and it makes me sick. I've been there, it's stinks to high heaven and I've also heard stories and I get nauseous. Just do us a favor and quit pushing the NH idea on people. It's not like people aren't aware that they exist.
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