Caregiver. That pretty much defines me because I have lost everything else that seems to define me.

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Google 'caregiver burnout' and see what you find...you will find a great deal of sites that want you to 'take care of yourself, rest up and find the time to gather the strength to carry on' Big deal. What about the sites that show how angry you are? What about all those sites that tell you that it's ok to fight and yell and scream and hate your life because everyone around you talks about how great theirs is??? There are a million advice sites that tell you to go take a walk, go get some retails therapy and basically tell you up the wazoo to 'take time for yourself' but what about the sites where you can write about how really miserable you are? The sites about how no matter how much you've done for the person you got stuck caring for that they still tell you that you don't do anything for them, that you are completely selfish and a terrible person for thinking about no one but yourself? Show me the websites that say it's OK to wish the person you're caring for would die because you see no other way out of this life. Where are the sites that say it's ok if you really wanna scream at the person you're caring for about how fucking LUCKY they are to have you there? Show me those. There are a million sites that say, breathe and find your inner strength to carry on but what if you have none left? We're supposed to be moving out in a month and yet nothing has been done and no decisions have been made which is really tangling with the notion of making me stay but I refuse. Show me a site that tells me 1. Not to feel guilty 2.one that tells me that my siblings are rotten selfish individuals for not helping me all these years 3. one that tells me its ok to think about MYSELF for a change 4. one that doesn't tell me what a saint I am for doing this...

109 Comments

You found the right site! We get it here! Vent away, dear harleighkwin.

You may get a response that tells you you are a saint, and you may get a response or two that calls you selfish (often on religious grounds), but mostly you are among people who know what it is like to be at the end of your patience and endurance. Scream here. It's as safe a place as you are going to find.
Thanks Jeanne...every once in a while it gets hard and it hits you...you say to yourself 'this is really not my life' when it really is...you don't wish the person you're caring for to die deep down but you are so tired and not sleeping and not eating and worried you can't help it
While I was reading your question, I kept saying in my head - this site! What I really like about it is that you can be anonymous. I live in such a small island, just to even mention the name of it - family will know it's me. So, I keep all pertinent personal information private. I can now vent and vent and hopefully it won't come back to hit me in the behind.

If you just want to Vent like you just did (and I did lastnight), there is a discussion thread about "Venting." You can read all other caregiver's vents that you have just mentioned! Over and Over. If you just want to comment on how you're doing today (sad, depress, lonely, etc..) there is a thread on "The Caregiver...How are YOU?" Please, feel free to jump around and click on the different discussions. I do this all time. Most don't apply to me but I still love to read the "solutions" to the problems.

If you have siblings, you will see the difference between venting with family vs. venting with fellow caregivers! Welcome! (FYI, I just found this site in June of this year. I was at the end of my rope and I learned a LOT.)

Yes, you have found the right place. Being a caregiver is a very difficult job. It's so confining and exhausting. If you have a crabby, difficult person to care for, it's that much worse and if you have family members who leave you holding the bag, it's that much worse again.

How old are you and how long have you been taking care of your GM? Are you living with her and planning to move out. Not sure if I understood your post about moving in a month.

Give us some more details and we will certainly respond. You might learn of some help you didn't know was available or you just might realize that your not alone.

Stay with us. Hugs, Cattails
Harleigh, welcome to Aging Care. Like Bookworm said, you have found the place. Bookworm mentioned "The caregiver...How are you?" thread which is a spin-off of the "Grossed Out" thread. Both threads are made up of terrific people that truly understand all the crap (figuratively and literally) that a caregiver faces everyday. We look forward to hearing more from you.
Cat, you and I must have posted at the same time. Harleigh, Cattails is one of the many wise people on this site!
Harleigh: Just look at Dtflex's picture. Does it remind you of your life? It is the one thing that instantly makes me laugh on this sight. Again, you've come to the right place. Diane's (Dtflex) story is more than you could imagine. You are home. Cattails
Wow! Your post just made me join. I feel the same way. I am tired of being called a saint and praised for what I do. Sometimes I think it comes from my siblings to encourage me to continue because God Knows they will not lift a finger to help or pay a dime to find an alternative.
Ugh. I love my dad and truly feel awful that he is ill and losing so much. But I have lost my home, retirement, career, social life & now my health is suffering. And I am broke.
The past few days he has started pushing & hitting me. He has a broken neck, among other problems and he could easily fall doing this and die.
I am at wits end.
I am truly wishing the best for you, Harleigh. It helps to write it out and know that someone else out there at least understands.
Thanks
I only just joined this site a couple days ago and I'm learning, through you as much as through the veteran posters here, that this site is indeed it. Oh, and thanks for saying everything that has so many times run through my head. Now I don't need to vent LOL! I'm sure I'm going to get some flak for saying this next, but there have been times (recently in fact) that my mom has called me a whore and told me I was selfish (things she's called me for as long as I've been old enough to understand angry insults). Said that I didn't care about anyone but myself. I then asked her, "Would you prefer living in a nursing home?" Most of the time that ends the tirade, even with her dementia she gets where I'm going with that one.
Welcome, everyone is correct...just come here and let it all out. I have no real adivce other than I truly believe we are not required to to give up our life, health, marriage and/or happiness for anyone. Please check your local area for services that may be available to assist you in taking care of your loved one. God bless!

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