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Google 'caregiver burnout' and see what you find...you will find a great deal of sites that want you to 'take care of yourself, rest up and find the time to gather the strength to carry on' Big deal. What about the sites that show how angry you are? What about all those sites that tell you that it's ok to fight and yell and scream and hate your life because everyone around you talks about how great theirs is??? There are a million advice sites that tell you to go take a walk, go get some retails therapy and basically tell you up the wazoo to 'take time for yourself' but what about the sites where you can write about how really miserable you are? The sites about how no matter how much you've done for the person you got stuck caring for that they still tell you that you don't do anything for them, that you are completely selfish and a terrible person for thinking about no one but yourself? Show me the websites that say it's OK to wish the person you're caring for would die because you see no other way out of this life. Where are the sites that say it's ok if you really wanna scream at the person you're caring for about how fucking LUCKY they are to have you there? Show me those. There are a million sites that say, breathe and find your inner strength to carry on but what if you have none left? We're supposed to be moving out in a month and yet nothing has been done and no decisions have been made which is really tangling with the notion of making me stay but I refuse. Show me a site that tells me 1. Not to feel guilty 2.one that tells me that my siblings are rotten selfish individuals for not helping me all these years 3. one that tells me its ok to think about MYSELF for a change 4. one that doesn't tell me what a saint I am for doing this...

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I praise you for being so truthful. Hug.
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"Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape."
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No one is pushing you to place your mother in a Nursing home or an Assisted Living facility. Please remember what I said when the time has come to make a decision. Obviously that time is not here yet. Good wishes to you, Victoria.
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Please listen to cattails - she is an awesome advocate here and has helped me find my way more than once. I agree, some nursing homes are terrible and down right scary with smells to knock you down. I've been inside some of them - breaks my heart for those there. Nice to meet you here on agingcare.com and I hope I can find the right words to make you stay and write away - thank you.
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I won't be following this thread any longer. I just wanted to come in one last time and apologize to everyone here for my outbursts. I especially want to apologize to N1K2R3, because I know you meant nothing negative in the least and I came at you in a completely negative fashion all the while claiming that "I can appreciate...". I could make my excuses and trust me, in my head I have. But whatever my reasons and/or excuses may be, that doesn't mean I have a right to come in and brow-beat people just because I disagree. Take care everyone...
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I'm sorry you find this thread upsetting PunchNJudy, and mommag, take a risk and let your voice be heard.... but the beauty and the blessing of any of our threads is to allow us all to have a voice... regardless of what the voice has to say... There are as many personalities on here as there are fingerprints... each different, yet unique.... when someone pushes a button, well, my thoughts are, we learn something about ourself... there are no rights or wrongs, we each have an opinion, I personally take what I need and leave the rest.... Not everyone on here likes me, or likes what I have to say... and that's ok.... I have been provided with an invaluable tool to help me keep my sanity, to have a place to rest my weary caregiving soul and mind, to get and give support, to laugh, to cry, to get insulted, and to reply....
If all of us got to meet up in some huge stadium, what are the chances we would all get along? Not likely... but ya know what, I would gravitate toward those that were like minded, had a sense of humor, and well, just would want to meet everyone I could as to broaden my own experiances....
Take a moment and think about how many people are on this sight... we really have no way of knowing as many just read and don't post.... I am here for me, if someone gets something from what I share, then great, if not, it wasn't the message for them, but someone else sharing may have just the right words to help that person.... if things get crazy, admin steps in... has happened before, will happen again....It's like a huge caregiver "playground", and there is bound to be conflict sometimes... we are human, we are tired, we are sensitive, we are stubborn, we are caregivers with many things in common, and yet very different... I love this sight, warts and all..... makes life interesting, I learn something new everyday coming here.....
So with that long winded monologue, the point I'm trying to make is, take what you need and leave the rest, take the risk to say how you feel, if someone doesn't like it, well, they have the right to not like it....all of our voices are important... each and every ones voice is important..... so hugs to you all, this is LIFE, and no one on the face of the earth understands me better than another caregiver, In REAL LIFE no one agrees about everything all the time... it's LIFE.... so be a part of this blessing called AC, make a difference in someone's life, get the words you needed to hear, give a hug, stand up for what you believe, share what someone else may need to hear......
Or don't, isn't that awesome that we have that choice...... it's all ok, what ever we choose to do... do what's right for you..... hugs across the miles to all of you....
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absolutely I feel no guilt for having resented my mother, felt hate and disgust for her and wished she'd just pass in her sleep (She is 94 and in chronic pain) I too am handicapped and it was HER OR ME - so I eventually put her in nursing home. If I'd go see her she'd do the guilt trip "you are selfish, take me home - you don't have to stay with me my mom will help me (Her mom is dead of course) You are nasty for puttiing me in this place, you wanted my house and money, you stole my medicine, you did not feed me - OVER AND OVER and
people staring for of course it agitates me. She's been there over two weeks and they tell me night and day she calls out where is my daughter - I wanna go home - call her, blah blah. sigh -SEE old folks with dementia have already passed from their usual self - it's not then you are dealing with - it's a total different personality.

I don't even know if I can cry when she passes as I've cried so much and been so exhausted and worried for 15 months now.
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PunchNJudy...if you are set up with email notices, you will see towards the bottom of the notice "unsubscribe from this discussion"....press that and you will not receive updates any longer. I find myself not posting things because of the fear of some of the responses. I have spent an hour typing a response and just deleting it with the feeling of "who cares what I think!" Take care Punch, maybe see you on another thread :)
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People all have their hearts in the right place and are offering suggestions in the spirit of trying to help but brittle nerves seem to take it other ways, I guess. I'm not going to follow this discussion thread any longer as I am finding it upsetting, actually, so I need to see how I take myself out of this one on the site. There are so many discussions on here that have hundreds of replies to questions that are seemingly welcomed with open arms. Just the same, I wish my very, very best heartfelt good wishes and will continue to pray!
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N1K2R3, I can appreciate what you're saying. However, I would really also appreciate it if you would quit pushing the NH idea. For my mother and I it's a no-brainer. I won't be able to take care of her indefinitely and if she lives longer than I'm able to care for for, she will most definitely end up in one. My problem with your post is the feeling I got is you seem to pushing people in that direction as if to say that we should not be wasting our time caring for the people we love. Put them in a home and get on with our lives is the message I'm getting from you and that is something I don't appreciate hearing. I'll give up my mom when I'm ready and not before. We do have the choice to care for them and it's NOT a waste of my time. Also, in our situation, because we're low income, we are not likely going to get to choose what nursing home she gets to live in. The state is very likely to say where she'll go and I'll like it or else. So those "fantastic" NH's you mentioned are not likely to be options for us. I know exactly where the state is going to put my mom and it makes me sick. I've been there, it's stinks to high heaven and I've also heard stories and I get nauseous. Just do us a favor and quit pushing the NH idea on people. It's not like people aren't aware that they exist.
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I have only been on this site for a few days now, and this has helped my heart and my mind. I care for my granddaughter because her mother can't handle that there is something wrong with her (Autism). She has been the joy in our lives, it hasn't been easily for she in non-verbal. I care for my Dad because that is my choice. My sisters all have their lives and it doesn't included living out in the middle of nowhere, taking care of someone who repeats everything and can be very one way about things. I have always been able to get my Dad to see things in ways other than his. I have always been the peace maker in the family. I wake everyday with an open mind, somedays it doesn't take much to close it and want to lock it. I just keep going with the ups and downs. Support as been great at this site. Thanks to all. I even get to practice my typing. :)
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Victoria, I'm sending you a hug. I've followed the discussion and watched it unfold and as an outsider, it seems that many emotions (for more than one poster) are so raw and on the surface that it looks like things one means to be helpful are just being misinterpreted. I'm so sorry to see any kind of strife on this board, because, like you, it has helped me tremendously, gave me an opportunity to vent and I've appreciated the hugs and prayers and suggestions others who have 'been there" give, and hope that we can all keep open minds and hearts and the discussion board here in the spirit in which it was intended, i.e., simply to support each other and offer caring suggestions. Good luck to you and God bless you! xo
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Victoria68, I'm sorry that you interpreted my suggestion on a nursing home as a place to "dump" your loved one. I know of two fantastic N H's, one in CT and another in PA that have faithfully cared for their patients with incredible sensitivity and extraordinary care. Some places are terrible, I've been told, but you have to find a good one, not just adequate.. Please reconsider your thoughts on this issue. You will be better off for it, and in the end, find peace within yourself.
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You know, I think the relatives and so called friends who stay away from people with Alzheimer's or whatever illness just cannot deal with reality. This is life at its worst.....the end of it. People who are afraid of their own mortality tend to run as fast as they can in the opposite direction. I am sure caregivers feel the same way but we have to stay put. I would rather not be in this role either but there is no other alternative. I keep saying to myself that I am too young to have to deal with illness and death. I think of all the connected relatives going about their day with no thought of my parents and, yes, it really pisses me off. I want to be footloose and fancy free again. Selfish? I don't think so.
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No one should feel that they have to leave the site because a posting created strong replies. Everyone handles their caregiving duties differently just as no two loved ones with Alzheimers/Dementia will display the same symptoms. Remember this discussion board is here for us to ask questions, vent and look for advice. Whether you are a caregiver by choice or necessity this is a place for all of us.
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Friends? What are those? You mean the people who tell me what a saint I am, while they're backing away from me as fast as they can? Those friends?
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Harleighkwin: I wish you would not leave. If I could suggest something to do, it would be that you talk about your life and not just rage at the world. I am not saying that with any disrespect. If you are in pain, this is the place to share it. I don't mean to tell you how to vent, but I can truly say that I am more connected with someone if they can share more than just their anger. Tell us about your life and WHY you feel the way you do.

If your husband ( or ex ) is calling you a fat, stupid cow who would never amount to anything and will die care giving, then he is an asshole. I think it's great that you are a writer, but don't forget that you are writing to people who have carried many burdens. Many are buckling under the weight, but their words may be slightly different than yours.

We are here for you and I can assure you that Victoria is here for you too. It may not have been your intention to attack her, but your words were dismissive of her life and experience.

We can hear you just fine. Your pain touches me and I wanted to comment earlier, but I wasn't sure you would hear me.

This thread you started has potential. You have a lot to share and we would all learn from it and support you, but you have to talk to us about your live. I think there have been a few misunderstandings on this thread early on. Let's not split hairs for the sake of doing so. Let's listen to each other, but let's also talk from the heart. I think Victoria talked from her heart and in doing so she vented some anger, but also shared what she has gone through.

H: Don't leave. You referred to yourself as not being a drama causing know it all. I'll take you at your word, but my guess is that's been said to you before. OK, we know you are a writer and you speak loud to be heard and that can be construed as drama. Enough, let's start over.

Tell us about your life. Victoria will be back if you stay. Bbrady has so much to share. We all do and we want you with us.

Hugs, Cattails
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Harleighkwin,and you don't have to go anywhere either.. we hear your exhaustion, we hear how tired you are... I will say again, we all get a little testy sometimes... all of us.... but no where will you find the love, support and understanding you will receive as you will here on AC.... you need to stick around.... tomorrow is a new day, we start over... that's what all of us have to do...we start over sometimes 20 times a day..... everyone here has to get their feelings out.. all of us.... so please reconsider leaving.... I pray you are willing to take care of yourself enough to come back, read around the sight, post if you feel like it or need help... or just need to vent....hugs and angels sent to you from us.......
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I never attacked Victoria, i'm sorry she felt that way. I am not high and mighty and I am not any kind of drama-causing know it all. (I'm calling myself all this by the way so no one will think that's what I think they are saying about me) I'm a writer and I guess I express my voice a little strongly on here because I wanna be heard. You really don't call people names when you're verbally abused. You really don't say anything to hurt anyone's feelings on an anonymous blog site when in real life the father of your child is calling you 'a fat stupid cow who would never amount to anything and will die caregiving'. I'm sorry if I hurt you Victoria that was not my intention. It's apparent that I should leave this site now because I've done harm and I can't allow myself to continue. I pray for each and every one of you to find the strength to carry on each day within yourselves and I hope God eases the pain of the one you are caring for.
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Thanks Mary. I call them my fair weather friends, with closed minds. I take each day as a new day. That's the only way I make through some days. :)
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PatDoug,
I really like your attitude.
I admire your strength and determination.
I love the "it sucks to be them" !
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I'm new to this site and I'm glad to hear about someone like yourself. I have found too that I have lost friends I thought were "true friends", no one invites us over for cook-out anymore, I see them at the grocery store and it's like the best friend thing again, but I know its not real. But thats okay with me, I'm doing what I want to do by caring for my granddaughter with autism and my Dad with Alzheimer. They are the joy and important people in my life. People at the little bar where my dad goes tell me they don't know how much longer they can tolerate my Dad, well it sucks to be them cuz I will continue to take him down there as long as I can. It is something he really looks forward to in the evening, along with breakfast at Denny's Monday-Friday. I get to have breakfast at home on Sat. & Sun. I am doing what I think is best. I'm not going to wait for someone else to step in because this is my choice, plus my sisters are to selfish and let the past rule their lives. I tell them there is nothing you can do about yesterday but learn from it, live for today and don't worry about tomorrow cuz its not here yet live for today and make it the very best you can. Thanks to you too Cattails. :)
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Victoria: I didn't mean to imply that you are not burned out some times. There is no way you couldn't be. I see you as someone who has managed to handle many of the challenges of care giving and a life long difficult mother with exceptional grace.

Ladee is right. People do get testy sometimes, myself included. I think H is dealing with tremendous pain, anger and frustration; it pours out in her posts. It doesn't really have anything to do with you, it's just where she is in her journey.

Stick with AC. I'm glad to have you as my friend and look forward to talking more on other threads. Hugs, Cattails
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ladee, thank you. You definitively are a gem and then some. I really didn't mean the word "dump" as if anyone that is faced with the decision of placing a loved one in a NH is doing that. That's just how it came across to me when N1K2R3 was talking. Eventually, I'll be having to face that decision myself, because I am the only person my mother can rely on, there will come a time when I will have no choice. At this time, it's safe to assume she will live long enough. The doctor has even said that aside from her dementia she is actually in better health than she's ever been considering her age and having a heart condition. She's doing so dang good she hasn't needed but 1 nitro-glycerin pill in the last year, which is a big switch from the old days before the dementia.
Anyway, burn-out. I did get a little sensitive over that word, no question. I have reason to be sensitive over it. If I misunderstood N1K2R3's intent, my apologies. My heart was in the right place though. But that doesn't excuse harleighkwin becoming all high and mighty with me. She assumes that she knows me and my situation and knows exactly what my situation is with my mom. "I hope you never get there" is what she said in the end. OMFG! I got there a long f'n time ago. Excuse me, she "believes" she knows. *pfft*!!! She knows nothing about me and she's behaves like she's the local expert here. Oh yeah, that really pissed me off and still does. Everything she accused me of not having had experienced I've experienced and then some. I RESENT the assumptions and the presumptions and no one here has a right to lord their experiences over anyone else EVER! I may be new to this community but I've been doing the same damn thing as the rest of you for a very long time and without the beneifit of friends or my sister to support me either. My friends walked away from me when I made the decision to be my mother's full-time caregiver. No one calls, no one seems to give a crap about me. It's also completely humiliating to have my daughter look at me with pity because I was so tired I forgot to shower....for the SECOND day in a row.
I won't be rejoining this discussion, but I refuse to be chased off this site by the likes of harleighkwin.
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Victoria, another thought..... you owned that the term 'burned out' scaires you... that is very important.... sometimes we see that as unable to carry on, or that we have failed in some way.... no, for some it is very serious and other arrangements have to be made.... but for you, you are doing a wonderful job caring for your loved one.... and don't let that term scaire you, it only has as much power as you give it.... hang in here, we need you here.... hugs
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Victoria, you don't have to go anywhere.... please listen to the many voices that speak here.... and no, you do not have to 'take on' the title of burned out.... we all have some bad times... and no, not all of us will 'dump' our loved ones in a NH... some have to place thier elders for many reasons... and that is to be supported too.... your voice is important here...
We can all be a 'testy' bunch on any given day, myself included.... so take what you need and leave the rest... one of my credo's is... "what others think of me is none of my business"... I know what I do, how I feel, what I think, and how I respond.... so take a few breaths, and get back on here and share, vent, laugh, support, all the things you've been doing..... hugs across the miles to you....
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I'm done with this discussion. I don't like the phrase "burn-out" as it scares the hell out of me. Burn-out is a warning that is to be heeded and not ignored. To be put on the defensive because I refuse to accept the title and I'm trying like hell to avoid it. I've been needing a support group for over a year now, but have not been able to have the freedom to go to one. I thought this site was an awesome alternative for me and up until now it has been. I've seen an awesome change in me and the way I interact with my mother as a result of being here. However, I won't be judged and condescended to when all I did was defend the group. N1K2R3 suggesting that we just dump our loved ones in NH or the like offended me and I expressed that as nicely as I could.
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Thank you cattails. But I never said I didn't experience burn out. I have a lot of days that I feel that way, I never said that I didn't. Why am I here if I didn't??
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harleighkwin, are you kidding me? You're going to attack me for disagreeing with me referred to as the "burned out crowd" and being told that I should dump my mom in a NH? I've been taking care of my mom for more than 10 years. YES, I know what it is to have to child proof everything and then some. To go to bed at night and PRAY that all is well when I wake up because there's no one there to take the shift when I sleep. Do I feel burned out at times? HELL YES! Do I allow it to be who I am and to control who I am? I try like hell not to. OMG, thought we were all on the same f'n side here.
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In Victoria's defense, she's been through as much as most, starting from childhood. She may not be as burned out as others, but let's not hold that against her. She deserves better. Cattails
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