Why is it the hardest job about caregiving is dealing with family members?

All non-involved family members have the best advice and knowledge about caregiving... NOT! Once they are involved they don't want anything to do with it. If you are paid, you are paid by one person - only answer to that person and block all other inquires referring them to the person you answer to.

Caregiver102: Pay no mind to 'armchair critic' family members, but instead stay the course.

Dear Caregiver,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm not a 'professional' caregiver, but I'd been my mom's for a few years, until you came along. You absorbed the brunt of what my mom was becoming and became--ungrateful, even mean, and obstreperous. Not the mom I'd known for 60 years. I'm grateful to you more than I can say here. Thank you, all of you paid caregivers, for taking care of our parents.

Setting and enforcing boundaries is a big but necessary task; the
" human condition " which is comprised of selfish individualism and control dynamics along with a long list of other family dynamic , interpersonal, emotional, spiritual factors all contribute to the challenges.

The professional caregivers who cared for my parents were wonderful. From the beginning, I considered them partners in caring. They appreciated that I never talked down to them but consulted them for their expertise in what to expect, etc. My job was to be there if needed (and if I wanted to be) and to make sure they had what they needed to do their jobs well. Another responsibility was to make sure they were paid on time.

The nitty gritty of managing the household, such as preparing small meals, doing the personal laundry of my parents and so on was handled well by them. I would never have criticized if they didn't peel a piece of fruit!!! Or any other minor thing. Sometimes there were two on duty at the same time (for one parent, they didn't take care of both parents at once because one got sick and died, then the other got sick). The caregivers cooperated well. They arranged their hours so the job was covered. If I was coming over, I'd often offer to stop by a fast-food place and bring them a sandwich as well as one for my parent. We all ate together.

I rarely texted or called. They contacted me if help was needed.

Hire good people and let them do their jobs as they see fit. Make them your partner, not your subordinate. Always my philosophy as a business person.

Why did I hire the main live-in caregiver? I asked her why she was doing this work. She said she had always had a special place in her heart for old people. And she proved it many times over.

Seems a caregiver needs a contract that states (the obvious): “I will listen to family concerns, but as you entrusted me to make decisions in your stead, family members will allow me to do my job.”

Family members need to learn to support YOU! You are there the most. You see more of what is going on. It is a working relationship. It may be their LO, but that doesn't mean they always know what to do. Sometimes family is wrong, even though loving and well meaning. Open communication goes both ways. Yes, family should give specific and clear instructions, but they also need to listen to the caregivers and be willing to accept that needs can change, sometimes rapidly. If they aren't there they won't see it. Mom's wonderful CNA messaged me and my siblings daily, even though I also came daily. That is a best case scenario.

The hardest part of caregiving is dealing with your own life. Soon caregiving will consume all of your free time. I gave up my business put countless projects on hold just to take care of my wife. No regrets but I did not realize how much I gave up until she died.

I had in-home caregivers for my mother and I would gladly have any of them "drop their professionalism" and spend time talking to her and giving her love. Two of them still work for her privately while she is in hospice. If that's your instinct please please do that.
I was also, I fear one of those annoying texters about little details, that I later found out didn't matter at all (The red pear!), but luckily it was just me and not the rest of my family (because they dont do anything to help).
From the family perspective... If it's possible I would just tell them it's hard for you to text while you're there and you'll get back to them at the end of your shift with a report. And then say that texting multiple people distracts you from the client and if you could just have one person contact you.
As a family member, I understand you're annoyance. I think we micromanage the details because It makes us feel like we're doing something. If the chicken salad is perfect then they will be happy. But you're absolutely correct in your assessment that all they really want is love and comforted to talk about memories and to have someone listen. I have actually found it's better sometimes to have a stranger do that than myself as I'm so tired after years of taking care of my mother. So if you can do that and set boundaries kindly with the family so they know that you're there to not be distracted, That might work but I will say I totally understand where you're coming from and bless you whenever you can give an old person kindness and love and a listening ear. You are our angels.

While the diaper changes and cleaning was not my favorite job watching them die was the hardest. As well as telling them the end is near

I am a RN. I get "instructions" from family all the time. I have over 30 years of experience, but they have the most experience with their loved one. I listen, nod my head, and then do the best I can at my job. Sometimes, family have wonderful insights and sometimes they don't. Family are just worried about their loved one doing well. When the family sees your good work, they tend to relax.

You are caring for a client and family menbers cannot expect you to be texting them about every little thing. I can see telling them ur there. Thats it. When your shift is done maybe a text saying you are ready to leave. Client has been bathed, fed, medicated and is now sitting and watching favorite show. And then there comes, who is paying you? If client, and they r competent, its between u and the client. If a family member is writing the check then u answer to them, and them only. Make family aware, you will only talk to one person.

You’re not wrong at all. Here’s my thoughts on your situation for what it’s worth.

You should remain being professional on your job.

If family members wish to tend to these trivial things about specific tasks such whether you peel a pear or not, then they should consider visiting and take care of the matter themselves.

Your first priority is to care for your client regarding the important issues. Just handle your client’s major concerns and disregard unnecessary issues.

I wish that all family members would show appreciation for the service they receive from caregivers.

I appreciated every minute of help that I received from my mother’s caregivers. I didn’t have around the clock help but it surely was nice to have a break when I did have help.

Later on mom did enter a hospice care home where she did receive full time care until she died. The staff was absolutely amazing. I will never forget how wonderful they were.

Mom appreciated the additional help from them. They were professional, yet very caring as they provided support for my mom.

I maintained a professional attitude. It didn't mean I didn't care. It meant I was a professional. And it was never assumed by my patients that I didn't care for them. They NEEDED me to be professional. They needed to TRUST me, that I could take care of things for them.

As to the pear. Yeah. That's life, for sure. But I would say that's life whether dealing with your clients, your boss, your co-workers, you kids, your hubby, your friends, whatever. It kind of falls under "If it CAN go wrong it likely WILL go wrong" and hey, it it's only about pears and whether they are peeled or not???? It's all good!