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My father is a very strong, often selfish, man. When I say strong I mean bull headed. He had a brain bleed last year, had a crani in May 2017, and now has Alzheimer's. He is 87 years old. My mother is deceased. I have four siblings, two located somewhat nearby and the other two out of state.


Since I am the POA, my siblings only show an interest when they want something. Other than that, there is no contact.


Prior to dad's surgery, I promised him that I would not allow them to put him in a nursing home. I wish that I had never made that promise. I told my husband that I was going to help my dad because when mom went to a nursing home from the hospital, she died of failure to thrive. I wasn't allowing that to happen to him. He has come a long way, and is getting along well. He just gets confused and hallucinates a lot. He is also very mean to me, calling me fat, claiming I'm stealing his money. We have caregivers while I'm at work and he is in love with one of them and thinks she is his girlfriend. He allows her to handle his mail and wallet, but does not allow me to do so. I get frustrated but I trust her so I don't complain about it.


My husband is getting tired of me being here. He wants me home. I can feel the strain in our relationship and I don't know what to do. Balancing this situation is becoming a burden on my physical health, on my mental health, on my job, and on my relationship with my husband. My dad refuses to go into a Alzheimer's Assisted Living. People say you can't listen to what he says, but how can I not? He has fallen twice in the last two weeks, both times while I was making dinner. I'm just at a loss.


My dad remembers things, he forgets some (days of the week, events of the day), but he has moderate Alzheimer's so he is not that bad. He does have a bad habit of being inappropriate with women. The medication has done nothing to help with that so his caregivers at home are primarily male (of the 3 from the agency, 2 are male and 1 female). He always yells at me that I think that I control his life but he is the father. This is his house!! That is my mail!! He steals my keys (because I took his keys away when he lost his license). He steals my purse (so everything gets put away). So he may not even be able to go to a facility. I just want to go home.

Have spent the last couple of years dealing with the decline of my step - dad and mom . Never could get his PCP to understand he needed some medications for mood stabilization . Our parents are great at faking at being normal for a few minutes ! He had a stroke a few months ago and they put him on something while he was in the hospital and rehab , didn’t really work but helped a little . Of course they discharged him and my mom would not give him the med . FINALLY another stroke and he’s pretty unruly and the little nursing home / rehab sent him to a Geri psych unit and I was never so happy . He’s only been there a week and is sleeping thru the night and not wandering as much - falls were a huge issue . The best part is if he is more manageable I’ve got a better chance at getting him placed somewhere . I’m a nurse and I don’t want patients like my step dad - unreasonable, continually falling, inappropriate , threats of violence and Constantly Having to be watched . I know you made that promise but you are destroying yourself and your relationships . I’ve been staying with my mom for the past month ( she’s about level 4 dementia ) and I’m backing off . I have anxiety , bouts of crying , severe dread . Hope to get my step dad placed soon then I’m going to do something with her care . I do have someone checking on her when I can’t get there but I can’t do it . She’s always been very negative and now it is so much worse , just took her to her dr and we added a new Med that hope it helps a little . I do t think we will never not feel guilty but I’m feeling less guilty . I don’t like my 15 yr old daughter being around her either - constant negativity and spiteful ness is horrible and even though I let my girl know to just ignore it - you can’t .
I cried when I got off the phone with my mom last night because I couldn’t stand the sound of her voice .
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Start out by getting dad to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds for his agitation, anxiety and other mental health issues.

Have a needs assessment done by your local Area Agency on Aging to determine what level of care he needs.

Arrange for that care. Tell him you are moving him temporarily because you need surgery, your husband is ill, you have to go out of town for your job. It's called therapeutic fibbing.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Hickmalj Aug 6, 2018
I had finally read several books on dementia and they all mention fibbing . I had felt so guilty about that before but it comes down to everybody’s safety and mental health .
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hi, sorry you're another person having to deal with dementia. its so hard.

at the very end you mention medication has done nothing to help. Can i ask what meds does he take? are you talking about an alzheimers drug or another?

can i ask also when was the last time your dad saw a dr ?

the reason i ask is because you mention the hallucinating and the paranoia

also, the "moderate dementia" - isn't just memory loss. it can also mean making bad decisions - bad judgement. and the falling is another worry too.
those signs could also be from a UTI, they can cause bizarre behavior.
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