When does mistreatment, striking back, and rudeness stop hurting?

I think you have gotten very good advice here already. Your question about when it stops hurting made we want to reply. I think your last statement about "guess I'll stay away" is a good self-care practice at this point. I was wondering if you were thinking about rushing in and doing more in the hope it might stop her from such actions in the future. It seems those of us who have tried just end up running ourselves ragged in a futile pursuit of harmony with our parent. Yes, it does hurt. I am not sure when it stops, but you can choose to not allow any more of it be piled on. Everything you are doing is ok.

It DOES hurt both physically and emotionally.  However, part of it IS the disease process manifesting itself.  It is impossible to not take it personally.  Even being trained as a nurse, it STILL hurts.  You just have to put it behind you and march forward.  There will other days where YOU will do NO wrong, and others will do nothing BUT wrong.  It is tough to endure.
I am attending a caregivers seminar on June 14 put on by a large local church, but sponsored by outside sources that deal with these things.  It's title is "The JOY of caregiving."  I am anxious to find out this "joy" that they say exists.  I listen to others who have been through it, and some say that they feel good about themselves because they were there while their parent/loved one was in need.  Others say that they will never forgive the hurt that was caused by their parent/loved one.  I think it is all in how you wish to perceive it.  It is hard to develop that hard shell, but I encourage you to batten down the hatches and CONTINUE to stay in contact with your mom DESPITE what she says/does.  In hindsight, you will be the better for it.

Marylin.....I order my mother's supplies and necessities with HER money on Amazon and have them shipped directly to her in the Assisted Living Facility. Stop coming up with excuses about why you "can't " have her items delivered and start doing it, now, with her money. These women will use us as doormats IF we allow it. Stop allowing it and cut down your contact to a manageable level for YOU. You are not a punching bag so don't allow yourself to be treated like one by a woman who's trained you to believe ANYTHING a mother does is okay. It isn't. And you're worth more than you think

Marilyn,

Your mom and circumstances sound a lot like mine. A lot!

My emotional well-being began to improve when I quit taking responsibility for my mom's emotions. She's always unhappy and there's no fix for that.

As others have suggested, disengage. Curtail your visits; i.e. make them shorter and less frequent. Limit or eliminate the gifts. Don't apologize. Don't explain. In other words, don't enable her to reject you or be mean to you.

See to your mom's needs. Don't worry about the wants. Describing yourself as your mom's "courier" is great! You are describing the limits of what you are willing to do! Boundaries are wonderful things!

A loving daughter doesn't equate to a punching bag or verbal pincushion. When you refuse to accept old roles (that your mom created for you), she'll definitely notice. She'll get mad, because she sees her control (power) slipping away. She'll probably act out like a spoiled child. Treat her as such.

Not long ago, when I was redefining my role with Mom, someone near and dear to me gave me a wakeup call. I was telling my Dear One how utterly exasperating and hurtful my mom's behavior was. And my Dear One said, (and I quote): "But CantDance! Your mom is mentally ill! She's never been "right" and never will be!"

And that put so much in perspective. I needed to quit trying to "sort her out" and move forward like an adult and not a child. I have parented her since my earliest memory, a weird role reversal in which Mom was "cared for" yet she still called all the shots, retaining her absolute authority. Even up to and including her late 80s! She's 93 now.

I'm not saying your mom is mentally ill. But she is old. She may or may not be demented. She's needy. What you can do is refuse to be manipulated. You call the shots now. You define how it's going to be; but with fairness to yourself. Will she like it? No, of course not. Too bad.

Marilyn, you can do this! You've already taken the first steps. Bravo! ((((Hugs))))

It NEVER stops hurting, but when you logically know what you are dealing with it can hurt less, and with the help of a licensed social worker versed in all this, or a psychologist, just a few visits can help you comb through your feelings and get a degree of peace. You won't ever forget, but you will have some peace. Usually anger is just what we use to cover our pain so we can bear the pain. At one point when I began to deal with anger from my brother I said to my spouse "To tell you the truth, it is easier to be mad at him than to feel the pain he is dealing with as he loses control of his life". At some point, if you are able, ask your Mom "I am sorry you are mad at me; do you want to tell me why?" Not a lot will make sense, but it may help her wash it out or let it go. Unlikely, but maybe. Good luck.

Those are seven very strong reasons, some good, some perhaps more or less regrettable.

Here's the point. ALL of them are still true, independently of your mother's response to your gift. You gave the present without expectation. I can't go on to say 'and you weren't disappointed' because your mother did in fact manage to come in under expectations, not to say below the belt, but the point remains that the important part - what you were setting out to do - got done.

What to do about the venom and anger and spite she showed in return. With a struggle, you can ignore it and you can duck it next time. What about her? Is she getting any kind of vindication or satisfaction from this bizarre unilateral war she's fighting, do you think?

I would ignore her requests for at least a month and see how that feels, Marilyn.

You may understand FOG intellectually. But I dont think you get how healthy you'll feel when you stop subjecting yourself to it.

Your father was an enabler of her not getting treatment for a mental illness. He allowed you to be abused like this.

Something to ponder.

Reading your post, and scanning down through the replies and some of yours, I let my mind wander a little around a few possible reactions...

Well. DON'T go the facility, march into her room, and thwack her round the head with the returned present while shouting "I got this for you out of LOVE you ungrateful old hag - !"

I'm sure you wouldn't, and you are right, and mature reflection is the order of the day.

Humour me a minute: why did you get her a mother's day present?

Marilyn,
Amazon d e l i v e r s .

For whatever reason, your mother and you clash. It happens. Perhaps she never was loving toward you, or whatever she did have to give was not enough to meet your needs.

Although it seems like you're trying to accept your mother for who she is, you also continue to subject yourself to her in one way or another, thereby keeping her on active status in your life. Have you talked to your therapist about disconnecting?

"I'm over & out....just her currier now, not a visitor!"? What do you mean by being her courier?

Marilyn, if, for the last decade, your " mother" has found fault with every gift you've given, why do you keep giving gifts?

If every time you visit, she puts you down, insults and injures you in some way, why do you visit?

Why do you subject yourself to her?

It's a serious question.

Hoping it has helped you just to have some people hear what happened to you.
Whenever you get so hurt, always tell someone who understands. You may feel better just getting it out.

Take good care of yourself tonight, and into the future.

~~~Hugs~~~

I must be too far gone because I never thought she'd refuse a gift. I did think she'd find something wrong with it, probably want it returned, or show no excitement over it as she has done the last decade of Christmases.
Good advice....also given by my counselor. I will not vocalize it to my mom because she'll not get it (no reasoning skills) & go into a rage, but I will tell my sister who will not relay it to mom because she is sick of being in between us. She'll just have to know I'm over & out....just her currier now, not a visitor!

Marylin - does your mother in fact have dementia? Whether she does or doesn't have dementia, my advice to you is the same: do what you need to do to protect yourself from your mother. If that means not pretending on Mother's Day, not visiting her, and not calling her, just do it. What have you got to lose by staying away? What have you got to gain by staying away??

If you're holding out for a weepy heartfelt apology from your mother, you are bound to be disappointed.

When you can see your mother's behavior as primarily the disease (dementia and sounds like some kind of long standing emotional problems), and not actions she can choose to take, then the pain will be much much less. It will always hurt some because even when our brain knows better, we still want our parent to act like they love us. I used to hold an imagine in my head of my father as he choose to be before dementia overwhelmed his ability to cope with his personality disorder. I held to a few memories of when he displayed loving behavior, then I would acknowledge that man no longer existed and would go visit the shell that still remained. Mourn the mother you have lost or maybe never had. It's OK to disengage until you can find the right mindset.

Support for staying away....

For some reason, your mother has chosen you to be the recipient of xyz. This may just be a part of her illness. It has happened to others. An innocent grandson was constantly accused. A daughter in law was assaulted. There are others experiencing being hit.

Draw a line in the sand, and stay away from her physical presence.
Once you have been hit, do not go back. Keep reminding yourself why.
This should not be negotiable in your mind.

She must have been the one to initiate ths hurtful message from the administrator,
so unnecessary, "return to sender" is drama. Avoid future hurts by stopping the gifts. imo.

Strength to you. In about 3-4 months time, you might feel better, the sting will subside a bit, but again, remind yourself.....protect yourself from further heartbreak.

In my experience and opinion - it never stop. The hurting.

At about year five in my joy ride through caregivers Hell, I thought there wasn’t much left my mom could do or say that would hurt me. I was, at that point pretty frickin’ numb.

But then my mom told me she wished I had never been born.

It was during a conversation where I was explaining- for the tenth time - why she was being moved into a nursing home in a few days. She was being 86’ed from her assisted living apartment, her health was requiring much more medical attention, she was falling - frequently...

In short, I was making the same mistake that I had made over and over again - the one and last lesson about dementia that I just wasn’t getting - I was expecting her to be reasonable.

I knew something big was coming right before she said it. My mom paused for a minute - as if debating whether or not she was gonna go there... but then she got THAT LOOK on her face - a certain set to her jaw and a pursing of her lips. Yeah - I knew THAT LOOk. But, it still took me by surprise - that she would be that mean and hateful.

So, yeah - it hurt. A lot. Your mother is the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. Right?

I have to admit I responded with something quite unkind of my own. I won’t lie - it felt good and I’ve never regretted saying it. It was only the second time in my entire life that I had spoken to my mother like that.

No. It felt good and I don’t regret it. Besides she probably forgot the whole conversation within a few hours.

There isn’t a lot I can advise here - regarding letting their hurtful words and actions pass by you. You just do the best you can.

So sorry. ((HUG))

Yes, she thinks she is getting back at you. Don't let her know it bothered you. At least she knows you thought of her.

She owes u an apology. I have a friend who owes me one. I was always the one to forgive and apologize even if it wasn't my fault. No more. She called left me a nasty message about not being included in some luncheons that I had no idea what she was talking about. Called her, went to a FULL VM. Texted, never received a response. In the meantime I found out the truth and sure she has been told. Still no response. I refuse to call her. Its always "poor me" with her. Some people are there worst enemies.

Protect yourself. Disengage. Step back. Stop trying. On some level, you knew when you sent the gift that this would happen. You gave her a prime opportunity to strike out at you...again. Inform your sister that this is what you are going to do and why. State that you love your mother, but circumstances have caused you just to not like each other. If at any point, she decides she can be civil, you will re-engage with her, but not at this point. For right now, you will not be giving her the opportunity to abuse you.