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I have been my mothers main emotional support for over 40 years, together with my husband and children, for the last 23 years. Now she is backstabbing me to my siblings, who dislike me and always have .


I don’t know whether to just cut her out of my life, I feel very used and hurt. I am in my early 60’ s.


She doesn’t have dementia, has always been difficult.

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Your brother has returned from Australia, after a lengthy emigration experiment which your mother funded. Is that roughly right?

You say "siblings" plural - who else is there apart from your brother?

You feel hurt and betrayed by backstabbing and nasty remarks. Like what?

I would like to understand what has happened, that's all. The main bone of contention seems to have been the return of the prodigal son. Was it that your reaction and your mother's reaction to this event led to a clash? With what results?

How would you *like* things to develop from here?

He comes back. Your mother welcomes him with open arms. You don't. And then?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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((((((podengo)))))) I have had a similar situation. My sis was the golden girl, I was the servant child. All along she plotted to get all the inheritance. She and mother over the years hurt me deeply, Mother wanted me to be POA and I agreed knowing there would be trouble and there was. I nearly gave it up a few times. The mitigating factors were that sis lives 1000's miles away, and mother developed dementia and the treatment eased her temperament a little. I decreased my contact to a few times a year, but looked after all business/ medical matters. Mother passed in December and I have felt great relief. I still have the estate to care for and a few bumps there from sis but this too will pass. I keep very limited contact with her for now. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. The lifelong abuse takes its toll.
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Podengo1 Mar 19, 2019
Thank you so much ! You’ve obviously been hurting too. I’ve been so blinkered . I’ve cared for her all her life and now she has stabbed me in the back . Meanwhile the son , who emigrated years ago , has returned for the end of her life . You can guess why !
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My own experience is of our dreadful father trying many times to set me and my two sisters against each other. We didn’t always get on completely, but we shared all the info about our father’s shenanigans and he always failed to break us up. ‘Golden boy’ is a common issue on this site, but it sounds as though you have at least one other sibling. Mother’s age might be a reason to try to get some better communication going with them. If they step up their own support, they may come to some different conclusions about who is right and wrong. If you drop down your own support as well, life may become more bearable for you. Cutting off contact completely is hard to get back from, but you can keep contact to a minimum and build it up again if things change. Good Luck!
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If she is in her 80s, 90s, don't think "talking it over" is going to change anything. You will not win with a person like this. They are selfcentered and cannot put themself in someone elses shoes. She will turn everything you say around making her the victim. Its really sad and I feel for you but it must be exhausting trying to get someone to respect and love you, when they can't. Your energy should be going to ur husband and children. Let ur siblings take care of her. If they ask for help, tell them you did your share and all you get is lied about and grief. Hope Mom sold house to brother a while back. If she needs Medicaid and the house was sold within the five yr look back, brother may be paying for Moms care. It had to sell for market value.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 17, 2019
Please read my response to stressedout.

Talkiing it out is for you. Telling anyone that there are boundaries and consequences is the way we walk away knowing we gave them one last chance, their decision is on them, not us.
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I can relate to your situation, I am going through something similar. I understand the pain of being raised by an unloving mother and being their support and trying to earn their love and affection your whole life. And being constantly hurt By her words, actions, inactions , and always going back for more. Always helping because she is your mom and you love her, wanting her to love you. Sometimes you get close to believing it, Clinging to some small gesture. I am sorry and I understand your hurt.
Mom has always been hurtful and sometimes cruel, so I dismiss her current actions of making me the bad guy as well she’s always been like that. But I posted about it and I’m not convinced their isn’t some cognitive decline. I haven’t spoken to her in a few weeks over the straw that broke the camels back aka my heart. I have done a lot of soul searching and All I know is I’m mad, I’m hurt, I feel used, I’m tired, I’m stressed. I still support her financially but I let a sibling take over the day to day for now because I’m exhausted emotionally. Brings up things I had forgiven but not forgetton. I don’t know if my response is helpful to you other than to say I get it. And for those who advise to talk to mom, if your mom is like mine she’s never had an honest open conversation in her life. We never talked about anything. So I know that’s probably not the option for you, maybe I’m wrong.
I sit here trying to compose a text to my mom just to ask how she’s doing but can’t hit send. So back to your question - do you cut her out of your life? You are likely justified, I feel like I am if I could dare do it. You should take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. It’s a tough question, fueled by hurt, I don’t know the answer but I understand the feelings. Hugs to you and hope you find the answer that is right for you.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 17, 2019
Heres the thing, talking to mom and laying out your boundaries isn't for her, it's for you. Once you put the ball in her court, you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to rectify the situation. Doesn't matter if she is honest or not, this is about you.

At this point, yeah, mom probably is not going to change but you can. She will never give you the l9ve, acceptance and acknowledgment you desire, cut your losses, if she couldn't love you as an innocent child she bore what makes you think you will ever be good enough for her? This part is all on her, walking away is okay, we don't have to continue to put ourselves in situations that make us feel like crap.

Give her the chance to own up and repent and if she decides to continue with her path, enforce the consequences and go meet people that will help you feel good about yourself and not tear you down.
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Pedengo1: As soon as I read your comment, " She has always been a narcissistic mother", that set off painful memories of my family. Not of my mom, she was kind, but of my three narcissistic sisters.

Your profile doesn't state anything about her, but per your comment she doesn't have dementia, I can only guess she's mentally competent to handle her own affairs and hopefully in decent physical condition.

Narcs will not change unless they want to, which is rare. I agree with Isthisrealyreal about talking to your mother about her behavior. If she's not willing to treat you decently, you'll walk away. And mean it. If she does need help with any physical frailties and if it makes you feel better about walking away, help her find agencies to help her. Then walk away.

A year ago I lost not only my sweet mom but also my three sisters. I'll never talk with them again after the torture they put me through. I've never been better off. Don't feel guilty. This is a bed of her own making.
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She may have always been difficult, but, has she ever been a liar and the kind of person who intentionally hurts one of her children's feelings? If not, then, I'd wonder what is wrong with her. Something must be going on. You don't have to have full blown dementia in order to start showing signs of cognitive decline.

Years before my LO was diagnosed with dementia, she got it into her head that someone at her church had a problem with her. If didn't make much sense to me and it wasn't later until I figured out that it was not real. It was a delusion, which she believed was true. So, I might just assume that your mom is operating on some faulty cognition and not blame her, because, it's more hurtful to think that she has all her faculties and is saying bad things about you and hurting your feelings. I might steer clear of your siblings, if they believe the lies, and try to not stir the pot. Maybe, it will settle down or be forgotten.

There's nothing more painful than to be accused of something that you didn't do. It's a feeling that's hard to describe. I'd likely state my case once and let it go.

How did she back stab you?
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Podengo1 Mar 15, 2019
It is not me being delusional. The hurt goes back a long way and she has no signs of dementia. My brother has always been her favourite and has pulled very nasty stunts over the years
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Mm. I don't really understand what you mean.

You are in your early sixties. (So your mother is in her ?80s ?90s).
You have been her main emotional support since you were twenty, when your mother then was in her forties or fifties. What do you mean? What sort of support are we talking about?
You married in your thirties and had children. Sounds good :)
Time passes.
You have siblings - older, younger, having what kind of relationship with your mother, given the emotional mainstay bit?
They dislike you and always have. I know the feeling, alas; but again what do you mean? I would mean relationships that were stressful at best, for example. What happened with yours?

Now - what does now mean, by the way? Once, all of a sudden, last week out of the blue? Or that somebody has told you that somebody told them that sibling A told sibling B that mother said that....

Your mother is backstabbing you to these hostiles. What do you mean? Has she disclosed confidential information about you? Has she made complaints? Is she slandering you? - I wouldn't be shocked, I've seen it happen.

And finally, you're very confident that this sudden volte-face in your relationship with a woman in her eighties+ has nothing to do with dementia. Fine, if you say so - but how do you know?
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Podengo1 Mar 15, 2019
She doesn’t have dementia. She has always been a narcissistic mother and my elder brother has always been jealous of me and he has always been the golden boy. He tricked her into selling him her house for a huge loss to her and has reappeared after emigrating to Australia 15 years ago.
He has Re imurged after all these years knowing that she is at the end of her life ...a vulture
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I am so sorry that you are hurting. I suppose all you can do at this point is what isthisreallyreal has suggested, simply talk to her. If she doesn’t have a reasonable answer then you have a decision to make. Either stay or leave. It’s your choice for your personal reasons. Only you can say what is best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Have you talked to her?

That would be my first stop, ask her about what was said and why, then explain that you don't keep people in your life that are backbiting and that you will have to step away if she continues.

Is she trying to earn favor with your siblings? Doesn't make it okay or even mean you need to tolerate it, but maybe can help you understand it is her problem and not you.

My parents have always played or tried to play their children against one another, they wanted to be the only one everyone liked and they could continue their hateful lies by keeping a separation going. To bad at this late stage they are realizing that theirs was the throat they were cutting.

Do what feels right in your heart, you are not to blame for her behavior.
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Podengo1 Mar 15, 2019
Thank you so much
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