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We have been caring for my husband's Mom for two years. She has dementia, is 88 and recently broke her hip. We have very minimal care that comes in the home to help and she is no longer able to go to adult daycare. I have been a huge advocate in making sure she has quality of life and it has been our mission to honor that but, it’s really taking a significant toll on my husband's mental well being and I continue to tell him, he and my son are my first priority and we need to do what is best for us. I am not sure any longer that it we are capable of giving her the care she needs and not at the price of my husbands health or mental capacity.

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Ty to each of you that responded. We have an 11 year and I feel it’s unfair to put her needs before his. My husband struggles with her passing alone. I am working a full-time and still am managing to work round the clock to care for her and he keeps pushing the line in the sand further out. I am typically a very strong individual with and stand my ground when I choose my battles. If things don’t change now, this could be our demise. I am 54 and my husband is 61. He is getting chest pains, we both have developed anxiety issues. I am not sure why I feel guilty. I know that I am all about resolution if there is a problem and I seemed to have gone inward and backed off instead of reasoning, or giving an ultimatum since I didn’t want it to be something that would come back to bite me later. #itistime
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gladimhere Apr 2020
Itistime. Before you lose your life completely. It will only get more difficult.
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If it is indeed "causing a siginifcant" on anyone in the home's well-being, it's tiime for a facility. Doubly so now that she has declined so much. I'd argue if they cannot toilet themselves, or able to move around by themselves they need to be in a facility.
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"we need to do what is best for us". Yes. For ALL of you, the whole household.

Dementia is progressive & care needs do increase as time goes on so it is sensible to re-view the plan when things change.

If Mother cannot stay home alone in the day since the # hip & cannot attend adult day care, then someone must stay with her all day. This is a significant change. To provide daytime supervision, either;
A. more paid aides
B. a family member becomes a full-time carer
C. it's time for residential care

We are dealing with similar in my family too. Option A. was chosen & worked ok for a while but not anymore due to difficulty of managing services/sometimes not available/staff turnover/needing more care. No-one able for option B. Therefore option C. it needs to be.

Have a good chat with your DH & make a new plan that suits you all.
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When you ask yourself the question whether you should move her it is time to move her. You are not able to provide the care she needs and that is ok.

Quality of life? Whose? Many elderly thrive in assisted living.

Why are you feeling guilty? You have done much more than most.
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gladimhere Apr 2020
Establish boundaries. That line in the sand and stick with it. I think you have crossed that line. It is time to do what is best for EVERYONE in the household, and it is finding another place for her.
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