I posted in June when I went to visit my parents - Mom is a burnt out caregiver taking care of someone she doesn't love. Dad is gentle, go along to get along with Mom. She says he has dementia, and I think he is slowing down, but he can still deliver a punchline and talk news and politics. He is physically very frail.
Long story short, I haven't talked to my mother in over a month. When I call, she is busy, she is napping, she is out. She is freezing me out. She's always been one to do the silent treatment when she is mad at you but this has gone on for too long. My dad makes excuses for her and how hard she works. She does work hard, I have no doubt she is very tired. She refuses suggestions for therapy, household help, caregiver support groups, etc. She got infuriated when it was suggested.
I know she is spending a lot of time on social media now. She writes gushy posts about how much she loves her family, "can't wait until Thanksgiving", tags everyone but me. She stopped saying I love you at the end of phone calls when we were still speaking. I find it irritating, not gonna lie, that she has access to my life via social media without investing in the relationship. I'm tempted to block her, but I realize that is impulsive and stupid. But her behavior affects my behavior, in that I don't want to go on social media as much because I go to look at my children's posts and there's Mom, all mushy-gushy and it just sucks the wind out of me. Let me say that I have a really good relationship with all my kids, so it wouldn't be the end of the world if I wasn't on Facebook; I talk to them often.
My son recently got married, he and my new daughter-in-law went and visited my parents. In normal times Mom would have called to chat about the visit. Crickets now.
I talk to Dad regularly, tell him if Mom needs anything, to give me a call. Tell her I said hello. I call dad on his cell. Mom keeps hers in the car, so I leave her voicemails that go unanswered. It hurts, but I let her know I love her, because it may be the last thing she hears from me and vice-versa. Who knows. I don't know if she's sick, I don't know anything. The last time I was there, she literally told me since I live so far away we can't really have a relationship. That's BS. My kids and I live in 5 different states and we have relationships.
It doesn't matter when you're an adult, it really hurts when you mother rejects you. I've started therapy to deal with a lot of these feelings, and my therapist thinks my mom may have borderline personality disorder based on some of her past behaviors.
I'm a thousand miles away, I feel like my mom has made me some kind of villain. If I could fly back regularly I would, but it's a grand every time I do, and I went in April and in June. And since she's pissed off at me, I'm not sure what good it would do at this point.
Does it ever get better, or am I a fool for hoping? Thanks for reading.
You are "IT" my friend and I am truly sorry for you. I know how it is to be a parent's whipping post and emotional dumping ground. I was my mother's since I was a little kid and being rejected by your mom does hurt even when you're an adult.
Here's what's going to happen if it hasn't already. Anything that goes wrong with your father or with her, she will find a way to make it your fault in some way. She will make the blame fit around you in some way. For example say your father takes a fall (God forbid). Your mother will go around complaining and villainizing you to anyone who will listen. She will say you don't care and that if you weren't so selfish would be here helping out your elderly parents. When the truth is she really doesn't want your help or anyone else's. She wants pity, sympathy, attention, and praise from people.
There's nothing you can do. Don't block her on social media, but let your kids know what she's doing. Maybe they can have a word with her because you are their mom and she's hurting you.
Call her around Thanksgiving and tell her that you're not coming. I'm pretty sure your kids will turn down her invitation too. Go visit your father after the holiday, and be civil to her but don't knock yourself out. Good luck.
I have no idea about a BPD dx for your Mother of course but I have seen (I'm sure we all have) people who are dramatic about relationships.
A description I just found the BPD:
"It's common with borderline personality disorder for a person to idealize a friend, family member, or loved one. They feel intense closeness towards that person and place them on a pedestal. This can quickly and unpredictably change to intense anger toward that person, a process called devaluation".
Wow. That describes an ex-friend of mine perfectly. Would make a new friend, LOVE them, up the drama, get angry, HATE them, spread hate, then find a new friend. Did it with partners, partners family members etc too.
I'm sure not everyone who has tendencies that way has an actual Borderline Personality Disorders, maybe just a mixture of Cluster B personality traits?
What to do about it? Sounds like you are doing all you can & whatever thing (however small, or even nothing) she is offended by she has blown into gigantic proportions in her mind.
My friend eventually forgave me (for what I never knew) but I did not want to resume contact. I would for a parent though, if I could accept this was just their dramatic way I suppose.
I wish you peace.
My mother was a severe agoraphobic, virtually crippled by her anxieties and depression.
She was never able to interact with me as I grew into my adolescence, and I think we both ultimately stopped trying to interact. We had certain rituals of behavior but I don’t recall any warmth to speak of.
I was married in my early thirties, as she had been herself, and she actively campaigned for me to remain childless, but after a difficult reproductive history, I gave her two grandchildren, and to my surprise she was overwhelmed with love for them.
It was then that I realized who she had wanted to be towards me, and couldn’t be.
And although I was by then totally emotionally emancipated from her, through her love of my children we became friends.
At 85, she had a stroke and we then became a team as well. Her language abilities were damaged, and I was able to help her communicate. Her own effort was heroically successful. I enjoyed her triumphs with her.
In her last 5 years, devastated by a shattered hip, I supervised her care, and was glad to be there for her, glad to be her champion.
I understand where you are, and why you feel as you do. Hopefully you feel little if any responsibility for her current lack of communication with you. There may be a reason, known only to her, or no reason at all.
Protect yourself, and your feelings. Whether things change or don’t, you’ve done what you could, and that’s all anyone, including your mother, can expect of you.