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My dad is threatening to shoot himself (we removed the gun) and kill himself if don’t give him his car keys. This constant aggression every day multiple times a day is unbearable. He says he doesn’t drive far which is true but even though he hasn’t been in an accident and has always been a good driver I trust that the doctors are right. I told him that two drs said he shouldn’t drive and he said they are both wrong. I said he could get a driving assessment done but he would need to call and schedule it. If he passes - he can have the keys. I can not handle the stressful interactions anymore- this morning was multiple phone calls about it and my nerves are shot i am worried I am going to have a panic attack or worse. What if I call 911 because he said he would kill himself - what actually happen? He has his Medicare wellness exam on May 7 which I also told him he could talk to the doctor again- can I record that appointment? I am so upset my life is taken over by this.

Someone who is paid to drive him wherever he wants to go might shut him up for a while. He might even enjoy having someone to talk with. Try to find a guy who likes to drive and wants to earn money in retirement two days a week or whatever. There are quite a few who do this in my retirement community.
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Reply to Fawnby
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If you do call, make sure to video him making this threat and acting out. Once the EMTs show up he may do some very good "show timing". But then you'll have the video to show them. Not sure what they will do... it all depends on your county and hospitals. For one thing, stop taking his calls. Let them all go to voicemail and only respond to the ones where he is calm and has an actual legitimate request or need. Make absolutely certain that he doesn't have access to his vehicle or the keys (you should be keeping the keys and the car at your place, or a 3rd secret location). His neighbors and other local relatives need to know to never lend him their vehicle. Are you his PoA? If not, this may make things trickier. I would go with him (or a male relative that he trusts) to this appointment. You (or this relative) should ask for the HIPAA form at the front desk and your Dad puts your name on it as Medical Representative so that you or other relative is allowed in the exam room and the doc can discuss his private medical information with him (or you). If he objects tell him it's because doctors talk fast and you will simply be taking notes. Discretely hand the staff a pre-written note outlining the behavioral concerns, ask for a cognitive and memory test, and a referral or a virtual driving assessment through the OT department. This is what I did with my Mom. When she failed the OT assessment the doc sent out a report to the Department of Public Safety who immediately cancelled her license. So, it wasn't me it was the DPS who stopped her from driving. Your Dad needs meds for depression, anxiety and agitation. After this you can decide what appropriate care for him will be in the future.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If your Dad is back home and has been diagnosed with Dementia, maybe time to place him.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Breezy, if I was in your shoes, I would tell him that you will miss him but, to make sure and go outside and not make a big, gruesome mess in my house.

This is manipulation and he should be told that it is better he die at his own hands then to kill an entire family because of his selfish attitude about driving a lethal weapon after his doctors say he lacks the capacity to do so safely.

It is completely okay for you to tell him these things and to tell him that his driving days are over and you will not discuss or listen to it anymore. If he starts in, dad, not discussing this anymore and if he doesn't stop, hang up, walk away and do not entertain it in any way.

If he did actually manage to self harm or finish the job; it would not be your fault in any way, shape or form.

I am pretty callous with people that threaten to kill themselves to get their own way, Either choice is fully on them and out of my control, but I control not being subjected to their bs. Block his calls if you need to.

Edit: what would happen if you called 911 would be determined by how your dad acted when they showed up. Ngoodenough is so right, not much would happen, unless dad nutted out with the LEO.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Have the car Towed away to your House or another Location . If he threatened to Kill himself call 911 . Its very dangerous for them to drive - they get Lost , the battery dies, they stop on the Highway , they Fall down getting out of the car , they drive On the sidewalk .
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Reply to KNance72
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What would happen?

Honestly - and unfortunately - probably not much.

If my department were to respond to a 911 call someone wanting to kill themselves, this is what generally happened...

We would respond to a call for an "EDP" - that is "emotionally disturbed person" - with EMS. After making sure the situation was safe, the "EDP" would be interviewed to see if they were going to have to go to the hospital, be it a voluntary or involuntary. But once they're at the hospital, they were generally seen by a social worker. It was a rare occurrence they saw a psychiatrist, usually only if they were pretty far gone. Someone who said they were suicidal were generally referred to a therapist and usually released.

I'm really sorry, but if you're hoping that your dad's vague "I'm going to kill myself if I can't drive" is enough to get him held in a psychiatric facility I sincerely doubt it will be. It may not even be enough to get him removed to an ER at this point, depending on what he tells the emergency workers who respond to his house.

You will probably have to change how YOU deal with this. Stop telling dad "if you can pass the reassessment you can drive". That's giving him false hope to cling to. When he starts in with the driving, "Dad. You CANNOT drive anymore. Period, end of discussion. I'm NOT having this conversation with you anymore. I know you think the doctors are wrong, and it's "not fair" but the reality is that's where you are in your life." You have to stop engaging with him about this. I KNOW this is easier said than done, and I KNOW how hard it is to have the parent child dynamic reversed, but this is where you're at. It sucks. But you are driving yourself crazy trying to find a "solution" for this where one most probably doesn't exist. The only other thing you can do is the second dad starts talking about driving, hang up/walk out, especially if dad has issues with cognition.

TELL the medical people at the wellness appointment that dad is OBSESSED with driving. Some anti-anxiety medication might help with the loop he's in.

Good luck
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Reply to notgoodenough
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Yes, call 911 and tell them what he is threatening, that he is a danger to himself and possibly others. Hopefully he will be taken for a psych evalustion and started on medication to get his aggression and anger under control. Let the phone calls go to voicemail so you have the recordings that the threats and behavior are ongoing. Tell him — once, don’t make it an ongoing argument — that he can use Uber and Lyft, if they’re available in your area, and that this is for his safety, as his doctors instructed. Don’t put yourself at risk by going over in person to see him.
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Reply to MG8522
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KNance72 Apr 13, 2025
We used LYFT all the time .
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911 would come to the home, interview your Dad and then speak with you about guns in home, or other access to self harm. They would make then a decision whether to do a transport to ER where they would decide whether or not a 5150 (72 hour hold) should be put in place for treatment and assessment.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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