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My brother is claiming everything that was left in survivorship to my mother. My mother is in the last stage of dementia and I am the POA/Caregiver. After the passing of my dad 4 months ago, I brought my mom home to live with me and my husband. My mother stated before her rapid decline to sell the house and gift grandchildren some money. I am willing to do just that. My brother is feeling that he is entitled to what my dad worked so hard for and has already taken vehicles and other expensive items that hasn't been paid for. There is a will to split everything 3 ways. My sister preceeded us in death so her son's will get her 3rd. I have yet to get anything from the estate. It is being said to get some funds from the sale of the house. Take care of my mother, pay off bills, pre-arrange my mom's services and put what is left in a trust until my mom's death. My brother is not able or responsible enough to care for himself. He is a drunk, addicted to drugs and fighting cancer again. He is no longer welcomed at my home because of the total dissrepect he has for me and my husband. He only calls to check on mom when he needs something. Should I feel quilty for paying myself for taking care of my mom? I have put my life on hold with my own health issues. My relatives-her sisters, brothers, grandchildren are saying to don't worry about my brother. I'm doing an excellent job at taking care of my mom.


Am I the only one going through this situation?

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It is hard to say my condolences for your brother since it may be bittersweet. The vehicles have a title which probably means probate in order to sell them. Can you locate them or do you need to report them as stolen? Whatever you can gather for your mom, do not gift anything away until she passes. Keep good records of her bank account. Use funds on mom. I hope if she is paying you, that you have a contract. Just in case, if she needs to go on Medicaid. Read up on Medicad so that you are aware of penalties with gifting. You can use some of mom's money to consult either a probate or elder law professional. Even with a will, there are some glitches where you still may go through probate
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Reply to MACinCT
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What is mom's health status? Is she on hospice? Do you have a caregiver agreement in place for what mom pays you?

You need to see an elder law attorney so that paying you is documented. Are taxes, social security, etc withheld from your payment? Or are you paid under the table? Is mom aware of this?

Sounds like a mess to me. Yes, bro is his own mess and you need him to be aware of the impact on mom should she need facility care in the next five years. Mom's assets are to be used solely for her care and well documented.

No gifts to children or grandchildren. That would disqualify mom from receiving Medicaid if she ever needs it. By all means sell the house, but no gifting, set the money aside for her increasing care needs.

Hospice is not a death sentence. She could improve, as some do, become ineligible for hospice. Hospice could last for years.
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Reply to gladimhere
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Helpme531 Jun 7, 2020
My brother passed away yesterday!
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Just need some clarification. Do Mom and Dad have Wills? Did Dads thats what his is Moms, and hers saying the same thing. Then a clause saying that if both die at the same time that everything is split 3 ways? Moms reading the same. If so, Mom inherits. There is no splitting of property.

I would not "gift" any money now. Just in case Mom may need Medicaid within the next 5 yrs. If you sell the house, it needs to be at Market Value if you again need to place Mom in the next 5 yrs. What I suggest, is sell the house and put the money away in case Mom needs some care in the near future. What doesn't get spent on her care, can then become part of her estate. She should have made her wishes known in a codicil to her Will. Since she has Dementia she is not capable of doing this, and whatever Will she made prior will be the one probated.

Would be nice if what brother "stole" could be deducted from what he may eventually receive.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Helpme531 Jun 6, 2020
Yes there are wills. They both say the same thing. Everything goes to the surviving spouse. So now that my dad is gone it is her estate. Once the surviving spouse passes away whatever is left gets split 3 ways. My brother is threatening to sue for his money, which he would be sueing his own mother. He doesn't want his children to get a dime of his part. That is the motivation to sell the house and gift money to the grandkids. My brother has 3 and he is still paying back child support. He doesn't understand he won't be getting anything until she passes away. What attorney in their right mind would take his case? My mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid. My mom is on hospice here at my home. Trust and believe he will only get what he has coming to him minus what he took. I will speak to my attorney.
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First, tell your brother to return what he took or you'll call the police. Then do it. None of that belongs to him as long as your mother is alive unless your dad specifically left him things in his will.

Get a trust and estate attorney and get her assets in a trust ASAP.
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Reply to MJ1929
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Helpme531 Jun 5, 2020
Thank you! No my dad did not specify for him to get anything. Police were called, but he would whine about the vehicle and new riding mower until my mom said to let him have it. Title transferred to protect my mom from accidents or any liability. That’s his gift til my mom passes.
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