What to do if your mother is in hospice?

Do you have children? A son? Calmly tell your wife she could be in the same boat in a few years. What if she were dying and her son wouldn't come because his wife wouldn't let him? She must feel threatened by your attention to mom. You don't have to camp there unless it is the last few days, but you (I'm sure) want to spend time with her. Make wife feel special and let her know that you love her, but she is hurting you when she makes you choose. It's sad

I have a son, he lives in California and yes, the way it goes, the perspective is very much like you said. I feel I am doing the right thing and I always loved my family without any distinction, just want to do the right thing. Thanks very much

My SIL persuaded my brother that whenever he experienced feelings of guilt for his almost complete neglect of my mother this meant that my mother was manipulating him and it was important to ignore her. For her own good, so as not to encourage attention-seeking behaviour, I suppose was the gist of it. My mother had many character flaws, but she couldn't intentionally have manipulated a paper bag. And, besides, as in your own case, I think as attention-seeking behaviour goes, actually dying would be somewhat extreme even for the most dedicated Narcissist.

I don't think my brother was very hard to persuade, mind you.

You are in an extremely tough spot. Rocknrobin's advice is excellent. Do what you think is right, while providing your wife with any additional reassurance she seems to need.

Just one thing, though. The care, love and attention you give your mother at this point is all a bonus. It will make her happy, and help to make her last days peaceful, and that is a very good thing. But it is not the same as being responsible for her practical care. Don't make needless sacrifices of time or effort to duplicate tasks that might be better done by her hospice team in any case.

Very good answer, churchmouse. I am organizing a 24- hours care for mom and do my best but I am in a very tight spot. You folks are really great! Thanks so much

I want to thank the Churchmouse again

How are you getting on, Mark? Unfortunately the new format on the forum seems to mean that dates and times aren't shown on new postings - I'm not sure when you updated?

Thanks, Churchmouse. It is August 20, We organized a live- in companionship for my mom - very expensive but less expensive than nursing home,,, I visit her every day.. She becomes very anxious, also she obviously does not like those people with her, all of them. I also have to take over all her financial things as a POA. We cancelled our vacation trip.. Not sure if I can do more: we seem to have reconciled with my wife but barely.. lots of things.. Thanks for the communication..

Ouch! - cancelling your vacation? I hope you're not in the dog-house too much for that.

My MIL has a live-in caregiver/companion during the week and then stays with my ex and his wife or my SIL and her husband at weekends. She doesn't, truth be told, really need constant attendance; but on the one hand she claims she "can't be alone" and then on the other she gives these poor ladies absolute h*ll. It can be very difficult to find a good personality fit. Where do your mother's companions come from, an agency or have you made private arrangements?

sorry you canceled your vacation :(
Is she still on hospice? A live-in and hospice visits and you visiting seems a lot to me. Perhaps some anti anxiety meds... for her.... maybe you too :)

You know your mom's prognosis and what the hospice is telling you and I definitely do not, but I just want to mention that people can be in palliative/hospice care for a very long time, some even recover and are discharged. It would be unfortunate and impractical to put your life on hold for months, even years, if her death is not actually imminent. The hospice nurses are often very good at knowing when the time is drawing close.

Exactly , cwillie, what I was thinking.

Churchmouse, thanks again. There seem not to be much of a prognosis, but you can see the deterioration. We organized a live- in and visit her every day. Nursing home is a possible perspective but it is soooo expensive.. We do our best.

Thanks so much
Mark

My mother entered a hospice care home on Sunday. She is late stage Alzheimer's with psychotic episodes and bipolar disease, as well as pneumonia. She has been a mental health facility since August 5th, then admitted to hospital on August 22nd. She has not eaten in weeks really. While in hospital she was receiving IV fluids and antibiotics. Doctors told me to make end of life plans and suggested hospice to keep mom comfortable. Admitted on Sunday August 28th to hospice. She has not eaten since she has been there, has lost her ability to speak, and is being kept comfortable with a cocktail of medications. I don't know how she has hung in there this long. Has anyone experienced this type of situation? ~ Hugs

Also, after reading a few negative posts about hospice I need to say that my hospice care agency has been fantastic. Very supportive from social worker to admission nurse to nurse visits to CNA bathing her daily, and the house staff are very compassionate, loving people who take great care of their patients. We are blessed to have found this awesome home. Thank God for these angels on earth. They are a not for profit home who is funded by donations and grants.

Stltracy- where is this? where is the hospice home?

Mark, is your mom eligible for Medicaid?

No

MarkLLL ~ Gentiva is the name of Hospice service, they are nationwide. We are in the Rio Grande Valley, South TX

And the hospice care home is The Aurora House