What is your screaming point?

My screaming point? Ten minutes into a conversation (if you want to call it a conversation) with Mom. Nonstop complaining pity party. I can handle her total self-absorption. I can handle her amnesia and disordered thinking. But the complaining? Nope. That's why I don't call her much.

I pray for grace. I pray for patience.

Another screaming point: when she badgers me with personal remarks she knows will upset me. Yes she has dementia. Yes, her brain is broken. So why does it feel deliberate?

Good ending.... but She is getting away with murder....
Peace

Doesn’t want me to socialize with the neighbors at all. When neighbor comes over she will cry and shake and later ask me to tell her not to come over because it’s just too upsetting. Then the second I leave I find that she was standing on front porch waving same neighbor back over to chat.

I can so relate to this story, in that my husband is so sneaky about things every day. I plan to ask about that at my next support group. How can someone who cannot remember his daughter's name of is she visited the day before, be so deceptive and manipulative. As soon as I walk out of the room he doe something that we may have just talked about such as lighting up a short cigarette he has hidden in a pocket, ( he has always smoked outside-always). Or feeding our dog things that can make him sick, or going into the kitchen and pouring beer into the water in his water bottle, or then hiding a beer in the elastic band of his sweat pants. I had been letting him have a1/2 glass when he asked for it but I removed the entire case because he drank three in about two hours and became unmanageable. Won't buy again. I just do not tell him that I am going out, but I always make sure either my son or a respite caregiver has been arranged, though my grant money will be gone in a few months. It is such a horrid journey.

Mally1, well, I am enroute to visiting my friend. I woke my mother this morning and gave her a hug and told her I love her and she said have a safe trip. So, my decision-making is postponed till at least a week. But on the way to the airport, my daughter who lives with me too with her boyfriend some of the time and some of the time at their place :) .... talked with me about Mom and how the both of them are worried about Grandma's behavior, too, about how she just becomes unglued and "stalking" at both of my doors.... so, who knows, but for now, I am just postponing decision-making. My daughter and her boyfriend are so supportive and helpful.... thank Heavens for them!

I don’t scream, I rage. My plan to place someone in a facility would have started that day. My problem is my narcissist father and I haven’t moved on him, I’m thinking it through. He has been a monster since he was a kid.

Actually, for the one hour and ten minutes I have been awake, I am actually happy. My sliding glass door is partially open and I am listening to the winds blowing the trees all around... I love it!!!

And I am chuckling as yesterday, I actually said "No." in a calm voice and continued on with what I was doing. And here is the rest of the story....

So, I have not been speaking to my mother for 5 days now (other than a Good Morning this morning), and leaving the "Do NOT bother me" sign on my door.

Yesterday, as I am madly going through a cleaning/straightening streak in my bedroom/office which has been a disaster for a very long time, my mother shows up in front of my closed sliding glass door, mouthing words I cannot hear. So I open the door and she asked do I have a few minutes to talk to her..... I pause, look around the "everything strewn everywhere", the full garbage bag of shredded paperwork, and I turned back and said "No, I don't have time." and closed the door and continued on.

And more of the rest of the story, 5 days ago was her 93rd birthday, I had reserved a table for 6, for mom, me, and 2 granddaughters and their boyfriends. But of course, mom was not ready when I got home to pick her up, was in our one bathroom, spraying a full can or two hair spray which immediately started choking me up... and yelled at me "Don't make my day any worse than it has been!" [Oh my gosh, what??? watching TV, playing the computer game, playing with her 2 adorable and sweet dogs ]. to which I turned around raced out back to the car and waited another 20 minutes. She enters the car, stinking to high heaven of hairspray and I roll down all the windows and drive (race?!) to the restaurant 15 minutes away, and everyone has been waiting almost a half hour for her, and I let her out ( just a few steps to the outside tables where everyone is), and...... wait for it..... I drove back home, fed the dogs, fed the cats, opened the bathroom window (it still reeked), loaded up with food items, a big glass of wine, went to my room, made signs for the door and the sliding glass door which said "Do not bother me.", closed and locked both doors and pulled the curtains of the sliding glass door, settled into bed with my computer and Netflix and had a great time!!! Meanwhile, the one daughter accused me of being "SH*%$Y" and has not talked to me since, and I have not spoken to my mother since. [Of course, my mother over the past how many years, has talked negatively about each one of my kids -and everyone else in the family - to me, for which I let her know clearly she is NOT allowed to do, and that I will not listen.]

And, in 4 days, I get to fly to visit one of my dear friends for 5 days, so I will not be having any conversations with her before I go, either! BECAUSE, mother has no empathy (no one with NPD does) and can NOT be happy for anyone, so I totally won't let her spoil my enjoyment anticipating my trip!!! Yes, today I am happy!

Hey guys, several of you sound like you're DONE, really DONE.... is it time to move to the next place? What IS the next place for your LO?

I can't scream.... I just want to run away and stay away.... oh but wait.... this is MY home. It doesn't feel like it anymore.

When for the 30th time my dad feels a need to explain to me how to reconcile his check book. Sounds silly, but he talks down to me about everything and argues with me sternly if I try to explain something to him. At 94 his mind is too good and his legs are near done. He is too able to defend his intellect but too weak to do the daily activities and can't trust me and give up control. After running around all day (I visit from 1000 miles away several times a year) to take him to doctors visits, buy household things, etc - he argues with me about paperwork I prepared for him. I lost it and said some nasty things.

The point when you loose a shred of hope you'd been building up for months. Maybe this is getting...not better...but manageable.

Then not.

Screaming point is now. All the time.

Celmira, I can't have my mom live with me for similar reasons, perhaps you can't either, after all? Any other options? What a shame to be stuck with someone so mean to you after you finally got to retire and could have a new life.... is this a life?

Princess blue, sounds like my mom. If I purchase food from a restaurant, she licks the plate. When I cook, she asks what do you have and barely taste it. She used to throw my sister’s food in the trash when she thought my sister was not looking at her. Today I was in my bedroom on the computer and she did not want to be in the living room alone watching the tv. We watch tv every day of the week in the morning and on the weekends I am not interested in doing so. Well, she started talking to herself very loudly and next she was at my door yelling nonsense. I asked her to quiet down to no avail. That is until I told that if she continued I would dial 911 and have them take her to the hospital where she would be given medication to quiet her. That did the trick. I constantly hear that she paid for my private school meaning it is my unquestionable duty to look after her. 24/7. I recently retired and this is another job and frankly don’t think I can survive. Depression can easily take hold of me.

My screaming point is when I walk into the guest bath. The toilet has not been flushed and there is poop all over the seat and the floor.

If I didn’t say something, my mom would never bathe, wash her hair, wash her hands, or take her meds. At this point I have to help her do this, but before I got involved in her personal care, she rarely bathed or washed her hair. Now her scalp is in such a mess I don’t know if I will ever get it cleaned up. It’s embarrassing. I have to fight her to get her clean - every single time. And every single time she tells me she doesn’t feel like taking a bath. That’s her excuse when she doesn’t want to do something.

She has a bad cold now with a bad cough and I gave her some decongestant cough medicine earlier in the day. I wanted to give her another dose at bedtime. She took the cup in her hand and set it on the nightstand. I said “go ahead and take it”. She said “I will when you leave.” To which I responded “I’ll leave when you take it”. She says “I don’t have to do what you tell me”.

I lost it!!! Here my husband and I have opened up our home to her and doing our best to take care of her and she acts like we are always trying to poison her.

Of course there are many, many things that led up to this episode, but it was the proverbial last straw!!

Society worries so much about elder abuse but they are allowed to abuse the crap out of their family members. This is abuse and it must stop!!!!!! There are so many of you that are going way beyond the call of duty (pun intended) only to be treated like crap - when are we going to be protected? Why does no one care about us? I'm so sick and tired of this. People will say they had to put up with us when we were children. But it's very different. First of all the pooping bit can last for a lot longer and they have way more control over it and can be way more manipulative with it. Also it's much harder to change the diaper of a 200 lb adult than a 20 lb child. The power structure is also much different especially if it's a parent/child relationship. This needs to stop!!!!! The elderly need to be held accountable for their behavior. And I'm not talking about those with dementia or Alzheimer's.

SueC,
Thanks for that suggestion. I guess you could make all the choices on that trip. . .

One more day of raking snow off the roof, 4 inch per day snowfall, and single digit temps.......Can’t decide between primal screaming or just a few hours of gently weeping.

Chandraclaws,
You may not be able to physically get away but you can mentally take a break.
Put this heading in the search box;
If you could escape your caregiving duties, where would you go?

Then lock yourself in your room for a few minutes, close your eyes and "go" where you desire.

No, it's not the same as going but it's a good diversion. Bon voyage.

I feel like screaming when I realize there is no possibility of a break on the horizon. If I could just go away for 2 or 3 days and try to remember who I was. Or even one day. I usually just sink into more depression. Maybe it would be better to actually scream out loud.

My mother does the same except she really outdoes herself when we used to plan vacations and tell her ahead of time. The week to ten days before would be brutal, she would be so mean and nasty, we had people to care for her in our absence. It got to the point we wouldn’t tell her till closer to the day we were to leave, didn’t stop her but lessened the days I had to listen to her rant on and yell at me. She doesn’t get that she had her time with hubby and family to vacation etc, it is only supposed to be about her. They really do revert to child like behavior. Go and do the thing you planned, she’ll be just as nasty when you get home, lol

This is what happens when you post before proofreading. I meant to say that my mother sent the Meals on Wheels guy AWAY.

So sorry to hear what happened. I just found this forum because I needed to scream myself. I didn't want the neighbors to come running. I thought about taking a drive and screaming while I was driving. I settled on taking a brisk walk, but checking first to see if I could find some support on the web. I don't know if my question registered, though because I hadn't created my account before typing my "question." My screaming point is when EVERY DAY there is something new to be upset about that I had never considered before. Friday, it was when I arrived at my mother's home and found that the home health aide had gone through my things (that I had labeled as MY STUFF) and had torn up the boxes that I had saved to organize things in my garage. Today, my mother told me that she had sent the Meals on Wheels guy, who was trying to deliver food, because she thought she already had enough food. (Friday, I purposely arranged the freezer so there would be plenty of room for him to put the food in.) These problems don't seem so bad after hearing your story, but I did find my screaming point. I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are developing strategies.

My screaming point, was my mom never slept! Made me less tolerant, an wanted to scream! If it would have changed anything, l supose, l could have screamed!

My Aunt comes down the hall in her wheelchair and says the tall thin woman STOLD my underpants!!!!grrrr I have to leave really!!!! See Nobody has a name but me !!I said "oh Auntie no way does a young 23 year ,old want your used old lady pantys"!!....lolhahaha!!!grrrr !!so then I have to go on the hunt ,because my aunt has hidden all her underwear! This happens with all her favorite things ,toothbrush,dental floss, watch ,wallet,her pictures ,she'll hide all her stuff ,forget she hid it and accuse us of stealing it ...IT'S funny! but aggravating ,after a whole week of it ...

Today's screaming point is having the woman I work for be so nice and loving to everyone else but me. I don't need the loving part, but I'm tired of her nastiness. Everyone else is called "honey" and she has such kind words for them, but she talks to me like a dog. A new girl recently started to work there and so far in two weeks, she has called in once, left early once (leaving before someone could come in to cover her shift) and has been late twice that I know of. While discussing this with her family member, she screamed at the top of her lungs that she thinks I just don't like her and she's a sweet girl who needs this job. Ummmm, she must not need it too badly since her work ethic is the pits. Also, I need my job too, otherwise, I wouldn't subject myself to this abuse for crappy pay. If I could chalk it up to dementia, I would have an easier time. Her daughter has said that the more you do for her, the worse she treats you and this is the way she's always been. She may be stuck because she is her mother, but I am not. Dementia or not, as soon as another position becomes available, I'm out of there and her and the sweet girl can live happily ever after. I feel a scream coming on, thanks for "listening" and good luck to all of us.

Maria,
This must be the most challenging situation (caregiving a dementia sufferer) that I can think of. It would try the patience of Job.

It's normal to feel anger and frustration (especially at the end of the day). It's how you handle it that matters. I've tried to remain calm, doesn't work when she's screaming at the top of her lungs that I'm trying to kill her. I've tried "stuffing" my feelings but that doesn't work when she insists on pulling her pj's and diaper off and is peeing on the floor. I use the intellectual approach (their brain is broken) but it backfires on me when she throws her sandwich at me and screams and shakes her fists in my face. All my resolve is lost as the night time pills go shooting out of her mouth, across the dining room table, hitting the wine bottle. (Time for another glass of Cabernet-for me!) I just can't answer the same 5 questions 50 times a day (each) without it getting on my last nerve.

We're only human. Check out the previous posts for some good screaming locations. My bed pillow works for me.
Good luck. 😕

How do you deal with your own negative responses to the actions of a loved one with dementia? I know they can't help it in my head but then at times I react negatively out of frustration and being overly tired and then I feel guilty and negative toward myself.

How did things work out? Did you get to go out?

Ohhhh these parents! So frustrating.