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My 94 year old MIL has dementia is incontinent, sometimes combative if she doesn’t want to go to the bathroom to clean up (her messes), doesn’t know most people, and requires someone with her 24/7. She can walk some but slowly, and sleeps only on her sofa. Her great granddaughter (21) is her main caregiver and the rest of the siblings (5) take turns in the evenings, and nights. My husband and one sibling want to put MIL in a home where she can get professional care, exercise, and positive stimulation but the other 3 siblings flat out refuse. This has been going on for about 2 years and my husband hates it. Contrary to what one sister accused, he loves his mother dearly and knows that she would be so much better off in a home. This would also free him up to spend more time with me and our family (kids, grandkids). Plus, he’s going on 67 years old and has health issues of his own. Other than to stop caregiving completely, is there anything he can do? (Having a sibling meeting is out)

Yes, the oldest as POA can make the decision to place MIL and the siblings can do nothing about it. These siblings need to realize that their oldest brother and your husband are getting older. Main responsibility is to their families. Both should say "We will no longer be doing this". If the ones left want to slit up the care, they can. You may find when the 2 walk away, others may follow. If the one sister wanting Mom to stay in her home is left than she can to the caring for Mom.



The GGD does really have to have her own life and a job were Social Security is being taken out maybe a 401k is offered.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Describing the GGD as a "homebody" concerns me. If she was manipulated into that role, she doesn't know any different. If she hasn't kept up with her own education, there may be no jobs for her when MIL dies.

My friend's cousin had a teaching degree but was the youngest of many siblings. She'd been teaching in elementary school for a few years and was about 25 and single. Her siblings insisted she needed to stay home with their parents, supervise the cooking, cleaning, driving, taking to appointments because she was the unmarried one and they had families. Poor girl was stunningly beautiful and had a sweet personality but didn't date. Her only outings were a small country church with parents or their doctor appointments. By this time it was her fault that she hadn't backed out of an arrangement that she'd never wanted, but she was too shy and uncertain of herself to get her own apartment and friends her age. It was very sad. I hope the GGD doesn't end up this way.
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Reply to Fawnby
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He can not force the POA to have her admitted to a nursing home. And, if the grand daughter is willing and able to provide adequete care then your MIL is in no immediate danger that requires an APS intervention.

With those circumstances, the only thing he can do is to withdraw himself from actively providing care during the evenings and nights. Have him discuss with the others that his health and mental wellbeing is having detrimentally effect on him, and he can no longer provide care giving services. Stop the enabling on his part and have them either step up with rotations or hire outside help. 
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Your answers below are marvelous.
I would hope you'll update us in future as to how this works out. Or doesn't!
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I agree with others that your husband should give notice (like 1 or 2 weeks) to inform the siblings that he is done participating in hands-on, in-home care in any way, no matter what, not even as a "sub". He won't contribute money to pay for aids either (because that will require a lot of management). Facility care is the only answer he will support. Maybe the others are holding out to preserve their perceived inheritance...?

They will be enraged, for a while. They might even shun him, for a while. Then when they burn out and relent, he will also NOT be paying for the facility. If she has a home to sell, this should happen in order for her to afford the care.

I'm sorry for this difficult situation but there are options and you and your husband need to patient and have them play out.

I also agree to asking the 21-yr old if she really wants to do this, or if she is being pressured.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Hadenuf2 Mar 13, 2025
I love this and the other responses. I totally agree that my husband (and his older brother) should just stop. And yes the other siblings will get mad. But at this point, my husband really doesn’t care. His brother’s wife also has significant health issues so his time has had to be reduced but he’s 100% on board with putting mom in a home.
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Does the great-granddaughter actually want to be doing this? Or was she guilted and pressured into it? Is she being paid a full, adequate, appropriate salary with benefit and taxes being paid? (Where I live, the standard in-home caregiver pay is $35 an hour.) If not, your husband and his sibling should align with her and tell the others she will be resigning to start her real adult life.

In any case, your husband and his sibling should stop what they're doing.

Who has access to your MIL's financial accounts and pays her bills? Who communicates with her doctor(s)? Does someone have her POA?
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Reply to MG8522
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Hadenuf2 Mar 13, 2025
I don’t think GGD wants to do this but in our opinion, it’s easy money. She gets paid $13/hr. Doesn’t do anything but make GM go to the bathroom, and cleans her when she messes on herself. GGD’s choice of food is purchased so that she can eat whatever she wants and GM has internet so GGD watched TV. This girl is more of a homebody so this kind of job seems right for her.
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Two things your husband can do:
1) Stop whatever care he provides. It will probably make the whole deal fall over.
2) Tell the granddaughter to stop. GD has probably seen this as a chance to leave home for free. She doesn’t realise the price she is really paying if this goes on for longer.

This is an extreme example of siblings who believe that with support, GM can be ‘independent’ enough to stay at home. Stopping propping up ‘the fake’ is actually the most responsible thing that DH and GD can do.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Hadenuf2 Mar 13, 2025
GGD won’t stop as long as GGM is home. GGD’s grandmother is the “mean” one in the family. She’s cussed both brothers who want mom in a home and accused them of not loving mom.
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Saddling a 21-year-old with the burden of caring for a woman who needs professional caregivers is awful. How on earth can anyone think that this is okay?

I’m horrified. You and husband should refuse to have anything to do with this mess. Let the rest of them figure it out. Help the granddaughter to understand the options available to her, suggest that she get an education and live on her own. Since she may have been manipulated into being a caregiver, she deserves to be shown a way out. Good luck with extricating yourselves, and I wish you the best as you move forward.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Your husband and the other sane sibling that also thinks their mom will be better off in a facility where trained staff will care for her can STOP doing what they are doing.
If the Great granddaughter is related to the other sane sibling that person should tell the granddaughter to stop caring for her and carry on with her life, get an education and live.
But if the 2 of them stand united and stop doing what they are doing means the others will have to take over and may begin to realize that this is not sustainable in the long term.
If at any time your MIL is taken to the hospital your husband and his sibling must tell the medical staff that she is not safe at home and that she should not be discharged to home.
Is anyone POA? If so this is the person that should be calling the shots as to what happens and this is also the person that is responsible for seeing that she is safe. If that person is your husband...great. If not there is not much you or he can do but back out of any help that you are providing.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Hadenuf2 Mar 13, 2025
The oldest is POA, I think. He’s wants his mom in a home. My husband has told him he can make the decision to put their mom in a home and the others can’t do anything about it. I think it’s time to pull the plug on home care.
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