I care for my mother who is in her 90s. She is still in her own home and walks with either two canes or a walker.
Over the last six months, since she had her knee replacement, she has said some mean things to me. She is in pain most of the time. She has always been nice, but I cannot describe her that way anymore. We still have fun together, playing scrabble and cards every day, watching funny videos, and singing.
However, she will, quite often say hurtful things to me. I will just give three examples.
Her most common comment is that I am abusing her, not physically though. I am not perfect and, at times, I will raise my voice. Sometimes, it is because her hearing is not good. I have never called her a name (even when I was a child) or said she was stupid (she calls me that a lot). I have never insulted her in any way.
About two weeks ago, she told me the only reason I do anything nice for her is because I want something from her. That just killed me as I help her because I love her.
Last week, I accidentally locked myself out. I slipped going out the door and grabbed the handle and pulled the door shut behind me, locking it. It has never happened before. Unfortunately, I had to ring the bell for her to let me back in. She got very mad and said I did it on purpose because I knew it would be hard for her to get to the door and I wanted to hurt her and cause her pain.
I am looking for some advice on how to deal with her comments in the future. I know I will hear them more often and no matter how many I hear, they cut me to the core and most nights I go to bed in tears.
Thank you in advance for your advice.
You have apparently chosen to care for a somewhat difficult woman, or a woman who is now suffering to the extent that she is inappropriate verbally. You seem unable to understand that, to understand the outcome of that, and to accept that.
Your incidents I will take one at a time because you were thorough and good enough to give us three. In each of the three you have chosen to take them very seriously and to suffer from them, rather than to understand they are the products of a mind in pain from constant loss. I will give you mom's role and easy responses:
#1. Mom: "You are SHOUTING at me; that's ABUSIVE!!!"
You: "Oh, Mom. I am so sorry. Sometimes I think you don't hear me and I am raise my voice. I'll do better" Big smile. Get on to something else.
You: " Sorry you feel that way, mom. It's a tough day, isn't it?"
You: "I see myself as an abuser, hon". Giggle .
#2. Mom: "You only do things for me because you are AFTER something!!!"
You: "It's all that money Mom. I'd do anything for it!" giggle.
You: " I DO want something from you. A SMILE is what I'm after!" Smile.
#3. Mom: "How COULD you make me come to the door to let you in when you KNOW I am in agony! How cruel".
You: "Sorry hon. I let the door slam on my a$$. Now let's talk to doc about this pain. I am so sad you have to deal with it. There's nothing so awful as pain all the time."
You have control over what you say, how you respond. You say you love her, and I know you do, but the truth is that going from DD (Darling Daughter) to Caregiver is a REALLY BAD MOVE. It's completely "no-win".
Caregivers are seen as someone you are a burden to, someone with suggestions about everything from your diet to your social calendar. Someone always on your tail. And caregivers forget that they just moved from one of the most treasured relationships in the world to one of the most hated. There truly is no thanks for the caregiver. That needs to be accepted, or you cannot do this care.
If you are overwhelmed by having to deal with mom's pain, anger, depression then there's either the serenity prayer done OFTEN, or there's acknowledging that, love or no, you cannot go on being the caregiver. You must place her where there are several folks each shift and several shifts, to tolerate her outbursts that are a result of her losses, her pain, and her depression.
You are a human. You have made the choice to throw your entire life on the burning funeral pyre of your mom who HAS HAD HER LIFE. And it may be time to do some honest evaluation whether this is working for you, for her or for either of you. She feels herself to be a burden. And sorry, but she IS A BURDEN and I say that as an 82 year old who is still hale and hearty (today at least) but who understands to her core that now I represent to my DD a worry, a concern, a whole pot full of possibilities that are scary to even think about.
We all need to start to be more honest. With ourselves first, with our family second.
In order to start toward that consider some cognitive therapy with a good psychologist. None of that online nonsense. They don't get paid anything and are worth less.
Good luck. When you are able to smile and giggle at any one of her outbursts, or get HER to do so, you will have won.
We were warned about the possibility of delirium after surgery and were told that she did not even have to have a general anaesthesia to have it. I was very surprised. The geriatrician explained that it could happen because of a variety of factors. Mom took almost no opioids because when she did the first time, she had some problems. She does not remember the details, but she does remember the feelings and I think that might be what caused the personality change. I will talk to her doctor. Thank you again.
Do you live with your mom? Have you let her care team know that she is in pain? I have never cared for anyone with a knee replacement but I don’t think she should be in pain six months later. She may need pain meds or she may have an infection. Sometimes elders don’t want to take pain meds because of constipation. Understandable but time to reassess the situation.
You say her acting out has been since her surgery. Your getting hurt feelings over her words that may be caused by her physical pain is a lose lose situation for you both. Try to call her doctor and let them know she is in severe pain. A home health nurse or a physical therapist might be able to come check her out. See what’s available for her. It’s not likely to get better on its on at this point and if it is an infection it could get much worse. Sometimes ice packs can help where there is inflammation.
I had an aunt who had knee surgery in her 90s. I wasn’t her caregiver but I saw her a couple of times after and she didn’t complain of pain and didn’t use a walker.
I’m sorry you are so spent. What can you do to get a break?
Your mom may have low O2. Which could affect her cognition. Pain can make BP go up. Try to get her checked out and please know that you must have some reserve of emotional energy to care for the both of you. You are both being very brave but it’s time to call in some help.
Wishing you a smile day real soon and help with getting mom assessed. Let us know how you are doing. We care.
We have talked about her pain with the surgical team and she has Tylenol to take which, while it helps a little, does not help enough. She cannot take opioids -- as we found out after surgery.
When we discussed the type of pain she is having with the surgical team, we were told that the pain she is having does happen for some people after surgery and it can last a year. They do not know what causes the pain and there are studies being done which as they said "does not bring any comfort."
Thank you also for caring. It means a lot.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Perhaps it would make sense to see if your mother could get more pain relief for her knee, but I wonder if the whole situation needs to be reassessed. Caregiving needs to work for both parties.
Do you ever push back against her hurtful comments and accusations? Is she cognitively with it?
I think you are right -- the situation does need to be reassessed. I am going try get an appointment with her doctor again to talk about it.
My mom is cognitively with it most of the time. She does have some memory issues.
When I have pushed back, she just accuses me of something else or says something that hurtful, so I am learning not to react in front of her.
Thank you for saying that caregiving needs to work for both parties. I have never thought of it that way and I really need to work on it.