My 92 yr old mom is ready for assisted living one day, and a few days later she doesn’t want to leave her home. We have been having little conversations and little by little I’m working hard to convince her that it’s for her safety and comfort. She feels like she is living in a jail cell now at home. She’s very weak and tired but all else is good.
I have adult siblings that want her to stay home but they aren’t there to even call once a week let alone visit her. She will be much happier and active with others around her.
I am putting together a plan from A to Z of the different steps we must go thru starting with educating her on what assisted living is etc. so far I’ve done lots of research on the internet and have toured several facilities. It’s like she needs a coach or advisor to help her through this journey. I have the power of attorney and she trusts me but she doesn’t get it. I’m not the expert and have no experience in this and she’s afraid of making the wrong choices.
Right now I can be proactive and in control of the situation but if I have to be reactive because she fell and is broken then it’s the hospital then rehab and then some nursing home I haven’t even checked out. So far I have POA and she has a will and DNR order and funeral arrangements are paid. I have to sell her house once she leaves and make sure bills are paid etc. no matter what, she will be in a facility very close to me so I can be her advocate.
A plan written out showing timelines between Sep and November is what I’m trying to put together and any help is appreciated. Are there coaches for the seniors to help them on this journey?

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I don't think you need to discuss transition and passing with your mother - these are natural stages and will simply take place when the time comes. If you need to discuss funeral arrangements or what she would like then do this by saying you have been planning yours and realise you don't know what she would want - have a discussion if necessary and leave it at that, you don't have to prepare her for transitioning and passing, that is something for you to think about how you want to cope at the time and the effect it will have on YOU.

Re the facility - how about choosing the one you feel would be the best suited to your Mum's needs and likes, people she will mix with, place you feel comfortable with, and getting her to do a couple of weeks respite whilst you go away. Change is always daunting, but if it is thought to be temporary it is much easier to cope with - once she has tried it and if they can keep her then you can lengthen stay for some reason or she may decide it is far more interesting than she currently has.

Good luck, and best wishes. I hope she finds somewhere she likes, and you can visit as a loving daughter not a worn out stressed out carer.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to TaylorUK

I've had to go through the same thing. My dad is attached to me. When I spoke to him about assisted living he was completely against it. I lied and told him the doctor said he needs to go stay at the assisted living so they can monitor him at night. The doctor is concerned that he may fall. He went in made new friends. I went to visit and he left me to visit his neighbor. Funny!! Unfortunately, you will have to lie to protect them from harm. Be creative coming up with a story. If you need to get the doctor involved give him a note when he enters the room.
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Reply to Nicole100
Isthisrealyreal Sep 10, 2021
That is great that he has found some happiness and friends in his new home.

Next time bring some treats and ask him to invite them to the dining room to share. He will be the prince charming of the facility and you will get to meet his new friends.
I reassured my dad that he could move if it didn't work out. As long as he gave it an honest chance.

Maybe your mom would have an easier time knowing that if she did choose the wrong facility that she can move.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Sounds just like my journey a few years ago with Mom. After a surgery and rehab, she was 91, I brought her to stay with me for a few weeks so I could see how well she was coping. It didn’t take long for both of us to admit we were not suited to living together!

An AL nearby had a respite room available so I suggested she stay there for a week or so to see what life there could be like for her. After that experience she agreed that she was struggling alone and did like the company, also the laundry, housekeeping, and catering!

So I put together a list of places in our area and we visited each one, had lunch and a tour, talked to residents, etc. Mom selected the one she felt most comfortable in and a month later we moved her to her new home.

I think the thought of clearing out a home and life is daunting to the elderly. Mom and I tackled it one closet and one drawer at a time. We had a system to decide what to keep, what to toss, and what to give away. I also rented a small storage locker nearby and put most of the things she wanted to keep there so I could stop and pick things up if needed.

I reassured her she could keep anything she wanted, it was hers after all. As a middle child of the Depression her belongings were valuable to her.
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Reply to Frances73

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