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My mom finally passed away in December from Alzheimer's. She was in a residential care facility because I was convinced I could not care for her. She was there 3 months before she died. She did need a hoyer lift, to be fed and changed and lost her ability to walk. I keep thinking if I had brought her to my home, she may not have went downhill so quickly. I know she did not want to be there. I visited her 2-3 times a week and got to know the staff quite well. She never became beligerant or angry. I was afraid she might and did not want to expose my children to that. There was no other family here to help with her care. My husband was against her living with us because he knew this could go on a long time. But it didn't and looking back, I think we both reacted out of fear instead of what may have been best for her. How do I deal with the guilt?

you guys have given me some wonderful responses. i was going to leave the group now that my mom is gone, but due to the encouragement i received from others, i think i'll stick around so i can hopefully help someone else. thank you so much.
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Reply to desperada
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Ah yes, the "what ifs and if onlys," they seem to creep up between the second and third day following a death of a Loved One, and sit all around you, chattering like ... like hostile little monkeys. I am beginning to suspect they are as universal as they are useless. And I think the only cure is to realize they are nothing but ILLUSION, and that by an act of will we can send them away forever. Just tell yourself this: "I did the absolute best I could, given the circumstances, and I wouldn't do a single thing different if I had it to do over again."
If you are a reader of Scripture, be blessed by this little gem: "All things work together for good to them that are called of God ..." you were obviously called by God to take care of your LO. So therefore, the decisions you made were the best possible ones. They were God-led. And God blessed those decisions. He says so. Accept it. Believe it, whether you feel it or not, because He says so, therefore it must be true. Accept it by faith , not by feeling.
So those What ifs and If Onlys can take a hike to the bottom of the river. They don't exist! Only God's Word exists. Amen.
Blessings to you.
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desperada Feb 19, 2019
wow! that's awesome! what a kick in the pants for me!! i sure needed that. thank you very much.
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Hindsight’s 20/20. Yes, if you’d known she would only live a few weeks, maybe you could have toughed it out. But you didn’t know and couldn’t have known. You made the best decision you could with the information you had. As awful as making the decision was, I hope you find peace in knowing that you really did do what was best for Mom. She needed 24 hour skilled care, and she needed the best of you when you came to visit. Your husband was right to consider that she could have lived much, much longer. The guilt you feel is probably more grief than guilt — wishing you’d had more time, wishing this d*mned disease hadn’t stolen your Mom from you. Be gentle with yourself. No amount of what-iffing can change how your Mom’s final days played out. Bundle up and take a walk. Sit somewhere quiet and reflect on the good days you did share with your Mom. Wishing you peace in the days ahead. ❤️
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desperada Feb 19, 2019
i really think you are right about the grief issue. i think i will make a special garden in my yard in her honor. everytime i sit in that area, i will think of the good she brought to my life even through her suffering.
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I am sorry for your loss.

You did what was best for her and for your family. Do you think your mom would have wanted to be a burden to you and your family? I think not! I think as Ahmijoy stated "mom was not belligerent or angry it probably means she was accepting her situation..." You did what you thought was right. There is no way for you to know if your mom would have lived longer living with you, she might have passed away anyways. Let yourself off the hook. Your mom knows you loved her!


Hugs!
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Reply to Shell38314
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You put your mom in care of professionals. And you did right by her. Try to release yourself from guilt. You did nothing wrong. Allow yourself some time to gather good memories, time to grieve, time to heal.

You did well. Let yourself off the hook.
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Reply to Segoline
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i had not thought about it from that angle. i was glad for her when it was over because she had gotten to where she couldn't even swallow her food without difficulty. that's no way for anyone to live. thank you for making me aware of that. i have not really mourned for her because other situations keep coming up that are distracting me from her death. i appreciate both answers.
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Reply to desperada
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I’m sorry for your loss. You are torturing yourself with “might have been”, could have been, what if, and should I have done anything differently. You made the decision to place mom because you knew it was in the best interest of your family. Hubby told you he did not want your mother living with you. If you had defied him, it could have had a long- lasting impact on your marriage.

Your mom was very ill and very needy. If she had come to live with you, you would have been doing the work of three shifts of caregivers around the clock. You would have had no quality time with your family. The things the facility staff did for your mother were most likely medical procedures and things, like the Hoyer, that required training to prevent injury to them or to her.

If Mom was not belligerent or angry, it probably means she was accepting and content with her situation and they were taking good care of her.

Allow yourself to mourn for your mother. She is at peace now and you should be too.
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dlpandjep Feb 18, 2019
So thoughtful and compassionate.
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Have you considered that you DID do what was best for her?  It sounds like she really needed the facilities and caregiver personnel of a nursing home. Attempting to provide this level of care at home is seldom practical, except for very wealthy people who can hire 3 shifts of caregivers, equipment, etc. Had you tried to provide this kind of care in your home you well might have injured yourself. I truly do not think you have any reason to feel guilty?  She might have lived longer? Would she have considered that a blessing? I doubt, frankly, that her life was in any way shortened by your decision.
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