My mom lives in AL with different levels of care. She has her own little room with bath and goes to the dining hall for meals. She was diagnosed with MCI a few years ago and it's continued to decline. It's like her mind is just gradually going away completely, so strange because she was always curious and interested in things and ideas. So far she still knows who I am and who she is, but It's not possible to have a conversation with her, because she has no points of reference or common understandings. She has few friends and has always been introverted and prone to depression, and now that you can't really converse with her (and her friends are getting older too), she doesn't have much to do. She sleeps a lot, more all the time.
I feel like a terrible person, because I absolutely hate going to visit her. The smell of the dining hall, the elderly infirm people on walkers and in wheelchairs, the moment of entering her room and seeing her asleep again, waking her up and getting her to put on her glasses and hearing aids, the laboring to make small talk, answering the same questions as ever and being unable to get her to understand what I do for a living, on and on. I just hate it.
Last time I went, she was fast asleep as usual, and I just couldn't. So I tidied up, checked her supplies for what she might need, then just left a note and went home.
I used to be able to get myself over there once a week, then it was every 2 weeks, now every month. I'm in an intensifying spiral of guilt - resistance - guilt - resistance.
What is wrong with me? She's a sweet little old lady. She can still be very funny at odd moments. Or infuriating too. I know I have a lot of baggage from the past when she didn't take very good care of me. Maybe I haven't forgiven her? I don't know.
Has anyone here stuggled with these kinds of painful, conflicting, confusing feelings? I wish I understood it better. I feel so bad about it all the time. Thanks for listening.