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My MIL is between stages 6 and 7 of dementia. She lived with us over a year and then had to be placed in a MC facility. I was her PCG while my husband went to work. Trying to get her to do certain things while she was here was a task and overwhelming some days. She would act like a baby when my husband was around so sweet but when we were alone she would have a mean look and say things under her breath and get on the phone with her sister before her major decline and whisper.



The day we moved her into the memory care facility I was the one who signed her in. My husband came in after the fact. She was sitting at the table when he came in but I had stepped away to speak to the nurse. When I had returned she shook her fist at me. Fast forward, a month or so ago she said she was not speaking to me in her baby voice language.



I told my husband that my mil does not care for me and he got upset. I don’t believe my feelings are wrong because of all of the in-law mess that was started while she was living with us. He thinks that just because she has given us stuff and money in the past that she cares deeply for me.



I know that dementia makes you exhibit certain behaviors but my gut feeling tells me that I’m not wrong. She acts totally different with me than with the people in her family and I have been around for over 25 years. Mind you my husband is her only child.



He thinks I’m a horrible person for saying that she doesn’t care for me. Especially since she has given us or should I say him money since we have been married. Was I wrong for saying that to him?

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Welcome back, Butterfly.

This is your MIL who wants to touch your butt when you visit, right?

Here's the thing. You may be correct, that she never cared for you. But it hurts your husband to hear that. So maybe you should keep that information to yourself, or talk about with friends or a counselor.
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Butterfly02 Oct 2023
Hi yes you remember me! So much has transpired since then her family has tried to attack my character but my husband doesn’t believe it. All of the things she said to them he wouldn’t let her do either. My MIL was able to communicate it to them. She isn’t able to form sentences anymore, she just repeats what you say (vascular dementia) but when things first started she was able to talk some just get things a little mixed up. She would go and spend the weekend with them and come back and then all of family would start calling him. He didn’t believe what was said but he knows and I knew that they were discussing me. He also knew what they were saying was somewhat true but it was only for her protection and ours and our son. He knows in the back of his mind that it was his mom who got all of it started because how else would they know what was going on in our house.
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You might be correct or maybe not. Based on what little you have said, I am inclined to think she doesn’t care for you. You have every right to say that and your husband needs to be supportive of you. I don’t care for my MIL despite that she gave me the down payment for my house. Manipulative people do things like that. Narcissistic people do things like that, too. They want to show how great they are and need your adulation. It’s not from a place of kindness but of selfishness. I don’t know if your MIL is like that, but just the fact that she has given you things doesn’t mean she likes you and it doesn’t mean you have to like her.

My question to you and your husband is… why does it matter? She’s in MC now. Your husband can’t make you like her or make her like you. Why is that so upsetting to him? He seems really thin-skinned. Why don’t you guys focus on yourselves and leave dear MIL out of your relationship?
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Butterfly02 Oct 2023
I really can’t remember how it was sparked up but I do know that you are right we need to focus on us more. I really don’t care to deal with her since all of this has transpired but because of the love I have for him and her being my sons grandmother I just help make sure her care needs are met because I feel it’s the noble and humanitarian thing to do. His skin is thin sad to say about a lot. Yes she started say things like who paid for this and who paid for that when she would be here with me never when he was around. I believe that she thinks her gift money did. Well the money is still with my husband. We worked hard for our things. It all just made me see her differently. Her demeanor is so quiet and sneaky just very nosy and observant.
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You saw what you saw,
You have taken care of her, and you experienced a frustrated person who used to do things herself, and she just can’t nowadays.

chalk it up to ALZ 101.
she really can only lash out at the one standing in front of her.. TAG You Are It! Fun, isn’t it?
So that being said, you are the one, in her mind who placed her..
Hubby doesn’t want to deal with the situation. He wants you to accept that she has ALZ, and this is what some people with this disease acts out. In a way he’s right. And so are you. It hurts..

but, the question is: Did she act this way towards you before you started caring for her? Did she ever act out against you before you married her one and only son?
How did she act towards you during your courtship and wedding?
then I would say; you knew back then how she loved you and appreciated you. Or, vs.
ALZ does change the brain.. honestly my neighbor was a sweetheart. When he got ALZ, he turned mean / violent according to his wife..

hope she nice to you before ALZ hit. That would be a way to gauge and answer your own question.
mom sorry you are going through this.
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Butterfly02 Oct 2023
When my mil was moved from her place of over 35 years into a smaller apartment she expected him to leave work and come straight to her house. We didn’t know that she had dementia at that time. He lived with her after his dad died. Then we got married years later. She lived by herself over 17 years. She never really call to talk to me or even call me to talk about our son. It was only through my husband that she would even deal with our son or would call at all even after me being around for over 30 years.
My son looks like me mostly but is tall like my husband. My husband’s daughter looks like her and her dad. I’m not saying that she doesn’t love our son but earlier on she really didn’t act like our son was his son. My skin is like in color and so is our son and my husband is a darker tone so is she and his daughter.

My stepdaughter didn’t want to be around me my mil condoned that behavior before we got married. My MIL was always on the go. Never sat still always traveling. But when she became sick I think she believed he was to supposed to be with her every hour he wasn’t at work or sleeping. Now she wants to be glued to him and when he leaves the facility she screams out. “ You’re leaving ! So the answer to your question is we have just been apart of each other’s lives not just really close.
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At this point, it isn’t a right or wrong thing. You are not imagining these things. You’ve spent years in her presence. I’m truly sorry that your husband doesn’t see your side in this. He isn’t being fair to you regarding his mom’s past behavior. I think you feel the desire to clear the air. This has become the elephant in the room with you. Am I right?

She does have dementia now and you do have to consider that she is never going to be able to behave like a person who doesn’t have dementia.

Yes, dementia changes behavior but let me tell you that there are some women who have never been kind to their daughter in laws. There are some men who do not defend their wives even when dementia has never been present.

Look, as far as gifts and money goes, this isn’t proof of her genuinely caring.

Sometimes people give gifts that have strings attached. Know what I mean? Your husband doesn’t want to think less of his mom because she is sweet to him.

My husband’s grandmother was this sort of woman. She treated my mother in law who was a wonderful woman like crap, but she didn’t dare treat her son that way. She saw my mother in law as the woman who stole her son from her.

My mother in law told her husband that if he wanted a relationship with his mom to go right ahead and she would understand but that she wouldn’t be joining him with visiting her any longer.

The difference between my father in law and your husband was that he stood up for his wife. He no longer wanted to see his mother and ended his relationship with his mom because she wrecked so much havoc in their lives.

I am not trying to tell you what is best for your situation. That’s for you and your husband to decide, but I do feel like your husband should respect your feelings as his wife.

He’s going to feel the way he feels no matter what you say to him so why waste your breath to continue telling him about it? He doesn’t believe you. Maybe give him a bit of time to process what you have already told him.

I am so happy for you that you are not caring for her in your home anymore.

Wishing you all the best.
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Butterfly02 Oct 2023
Me too but if her money doesn’t out live her she may have to come back. I don’t wish death upon her I just wish we had more money for her care needs. She is in stage 6/7. I don’t know if I can take it and neither can he if truth be told. I feel like he should respect my feelings also. I really thinks she feels like I stole her son from her too. She was kind but I believe she was jealous also that he gives me all of his attention. But rightfully so, I’m his wife. Now that she can’t do the things that she use to do she feels like he is supposed to just keep her company and happy. He has a teenager and a wife and a job. He needs to have time to himself and rest as well. Because of the gifts and a lack of knowledge about government policy he may be penalized even though he has a POA that states she has to pay him back for taking care of her. I’m not sure that will be considered when the time comes to move her to a nursing home.
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Butterfly, many people choose how to act to other people. It may be different for some people, or different some of the time. You have choices too. You can choose whether to visit her, but also you can choose not to talk with her or about her. If you and DH together make the trip to see her, you don’t need to go in to see her when you get there. You can sit in the garden and read, go and do some shopping, or visit a friend if you know people locally. Or you can appear in the doorway and wave, just to be polite, but then walk away.

Your DH is her only child, so it’s no surprise that she has helped him financially. Who else would she make gifts to? It perhaps does mean that she likes/ loves him, but it doesn’t mean that she likes or loves you. Many MILs are as jealous as hell of their DILs.

What you can do is to drop down any contact you have with her, and stop talking to your husband about her and your mutual feelings. He does love her, and he has a completely different relationship with her than you do. It would be a kindness just to accept that, and try to get yourself out of the picture.
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Butterfly02 Oct 2023
I do feel that she is jealous of us because she tried to date again and it went bad. When she was living here my husband would love on me and she would look sad then he would give her a hug and she would smile and then look at me as if I would get mad . You are his mom why would I get mad because he love on you. I believe that the love and closeness my husband and I have she desires that with a man.She even see me dress up and feel like she is supposed to be dressed up or she did when she lived here. When I left the house to have a girls night out she was mad because I didn’t offer for her to go. She would tell her family that I would not take her with me anywhere . I need time to myself. I know this because the sisters would call and ask did you go here or there every day. Basically checking to see if she was going along with me and they made a big fuss but my husband said to them she can’t go every single time. It got really ugly with them getting involved. He doesn’t believe she got all of this stuff started but I know and God knows that is all that matter. I just hope she can stay in the facility because I can’t do her or them anymore.
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I skimmed your previous posts. Your H was happy to have you be his mother's personal caregiver until you couldn't lift her anymore. Now she's in MC, and it is stressful for you to visit her (the butt-touching).

Why go at all? You used to go by yourself? Have you stopped that? You've done your time. Let your H go by himself and stay for hours. Ignore his whining when he gets back (do something else -- read? and just periodically say "Hmmm..." so he thinks you are actually listening).

Don't feel badly about doing this! If you do, just consider whether or not he would have become the personal caregiver to YOUR mother. No, right?
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You probably are not wrong. You are certainly entitled to feel the way you feel.

Your husband probably feels badly that she had to be placed in MC so keep your feelings to yourself right now. Leave it alone. It doesn’t matter anyway.

Congratulations, she is in memory care. Visit if you want, when you want. Enjoy your life.

PS My MIL disliked me too.
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Butterfly, it sounds like your husband's family is all up in your business a lot.

The only cure for that, frankly, is not to care. Or at least act like it.
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Your husband got upset because you said you felt MIL does not like you? You told him what you thought. He does not feel that way, so now u drop it.

I always felt that my MIL was jealous of her DILs. That she felt there was a competition. My husband lived home the longest. Both brothers getting married right out of college and both in the military. We were the ones that remained in the same town. My MIL was passive-aggressive and lied. I stopped going to her house alone because of her lies. I only went with my husband. I have no idea if she liked me. I will say I didn't love her. She would have never lived with me, but we were not tested because she moved to Fla from NJ and died there.

You do not need to take MIL back, you apply for Medicaid and place her in a home.
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"If her money doesn’t outlive her she may have to come back."

Oh no, she does not! Please study up on this, enlist the help of a social worker, declare to everyone that she can't live with you because you are no longer capable of taking care of someone that sick.

You mention that she's at stage 6 or 7. If that's true, she is way beyond what you, her daughter-in-law, should be expected to take care of. Get yourself into the mindset that you cannot. You've had enough. She doesn't like you. She's out of the house, and she needs to stay anywhere but with you. She needs care by professionals because she can only get worse.

Good luck, and start working on this now.
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Yes, in my personal opinion you were likely wrong in that. This is really now about your MIL more than about you. She is now moved into care. That is her final loss before her loss of her own life. She sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant woman. That doesn't make her loss any less difficult, apparently for her son.

You took on caregiving of her. You are to be admired for that. I personally would not have done that. That I wouldn't be 24/7 caregiver to someone who wasn't fond of me would have relieved me of expecting their thanks.

And if I DID take on the care, I would understand I was dealing with a person who has dementia. I would understand that the person we live with closest who is at our side the most is often the person we level our frustrations and our anger on. I would understand that there has been a final loss in the loss of her ability to be with her son. I would handle her shaking her fist with a sense of humor and tell her "You may not love ME, but I love YOU enough for us both".

Why be at war with a demented elder?
Why be, worse yet, at war with your husband who can do NOTHING whatsoever, who is losing his mother, who loves her and has received a lot from her, who is stuck right in the middle of his mom and his wife?

HE--your husband-- is the person I personally feel sorriest for.

You did good, Butterfly. You cared for a woman who apparently was never especially fond of you. Give yourself that. She will soon be gone. Be now kind to your husband, easy with your MIL and with yourself, and move on out of this anger which does NO ONE any good whatsoever. WHAT in the world do you expect from your husband? You are setting yourself so against him he cannot even come up for air enough to thank you for all you have done.

I would take some of this anger to a few sessions with a counselor. This has been tough on you. But your hubby can't fix this for you. No one can. I am really sorry, but your wanting to continue a weary war into the future is against your own best interests. MIL will be DEAD. She won't CARE. As Thomas Lynch, the undertaker-poet said "When someone is dead there is nothing you can do ABOUT, FOR, WITH, or TO them that will make the slightest difference."

You and your husband have a life to live into the future. You owe it to yourself and to him to try to make it a good and happy and rewarding life. Let this go.
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