Very difficult mother who is offended by my boundaries & my attempts at making life more manageable. Any advice?

Boundaries aren’t for her, they are yours. They are a fence with a gate, the fence lets in the good and keeps out the bad. Only you can keep the boundaries you set. For example, you set a boundary with grocery trips and now it’s time to keep your boundary. If she doesn’t have enough of what she needs for the week, that’s not on you, it’s on her, and next time she’ll respect the boundary. Or she won’t, but either way, if you keep your boundary firm, you’ll live in peace. If you don’t, the constant turmoil and resentment you’re feeling will remain.
The bigger issue may be that you just can’t have her living this close to you. And if that’s the case, it’s time for a new plan. You aren’t obligated to provide for her old age, she is, and if you can’t take it, choose something else. It will be kinder for you both.

She is ignoring your boundaries because you are not setting any. You do as she dictates and then are unhappy about that. It won't be easy to train a woman with narcissistic tendencies, but it can be done.
She has "always been hateful" and what have you done about that? You have taken her into your property? That was your decision and I am afraid you are responsible for it.
It is time for Mom to move. If there is dementia then apply for guardianship and take on her bills, bill paying and etc. If there isn't, then what she does with her money is her own problem.
PS: As far as being "offended" by your boundaries, who cares. They don't belong to her. They are YOUR boundaries. It doesn't matter a pickle what she thinks of them. They are YOURS. It sounds anyway as though offense is something she has always done well.
Or, if you choose, she can stay, and you can complain of it. Because she will not be changing. She is who she always was.
Read more books on boundaries. Get help with them if you must. Boundaries are just that. They are SET in stone. You make your list. If you didn't think of things, then you wait to next trip. And that is told to you gently and firmly.
So just to make it clear. Mom doesn't have boundaries yet. You do as she dictates and that STILL doesn't please her. And no, the slave seldom loves the master.
We see over and over on forum abusive parents who raise children desperate to hear a kind, loving work from them. They train them to do everything they can in hope of hearing what they will NEVER hear "You are good. I love you. I don't know what I would do without you".
Your Mom has trained you. Time now for you to train her. Or better yet, move her to another living situation where she will be very unlikely to train anyone else.

In your profile you say you have "no choice" but to care for her.

Yes. Yes you do.

As stated by others, the boundaries are YOURS, not HERS. Unless she has dementia, the short grocery list is a test of your resolve.

Let her run out this week. Let her figure out that she can get something delivered from the pharmacy. Let her call 911 if she has an "emergency".

You were big-hearted but misguided to take this person onto your property. I think it may be time to tell her that you abd your husband will no longer be providing any assistance at all.

In the last few years of her life, my mother sometimes called me a “bully”.

To be clear - I never bullied her. In fact, much as you are doing, I bent over backwards to treat her with respect and to maintain her dignity in what was a rough time in her increasing dementia. Often - like you - this bending over backwards frequently made things exponentially more difficult for my own family and me.

I discovered the concept of “boundaries” way too late in my caregivers journey - but I did eventually learn of their value and put some to work. My mom didn’t like it. At all.

So if “Bully” was synonymous with “Boundaries” in my mother mind by being told “NO” on occasion - then yeah, I guess I was a bully.

Sounds like if you and your husband are to survive your mother living in your backyard - literally - and be dependent on you to maintain her dependent independence - you’re gonna need to bully up, too.

Has she ever been assessed for cognitive decline? Is it possible that her confusion with phones, a/c, shopping lists and doctor's appointments are the beginnings of dementia?

That would change my answer, and I think you owe it to yourself and mom to get her cognitive skills assessed by a neuropsych team (not just a couple of memory questions at her PCP).

If you've cleared up that question...

If she says "you just want me to die" DONT say, oh no, mom, we love you. Be honest and say "mom, this arrangement isnt working out because of your lack of cooperation and ignoring OUR needs. You are going to need to relocate elsewhere and find others to help you".

What do you mean by rescued her? Did she want you to bring her to your home?

How can she possibly run out of meds every week? Aren't most prescriptions 30-90 day supply? You need to let her suffer the consequences of her actions...and if it means no meds, then no meds. You say she will run out of food...completely? Of just what she wants to eat? Stop trying to make her happy...never going to happen.

Get her off your property now. If she runs through her money before the end of the month that is her problem to deal with. not yours. Stop rescuing her...that is what got you into trouble in the first place.

Previous brain injuries?

What previous brain injuries?

I'm just wondering. If you had written a description of your mother, such as one above, only two years ago when you decided to rescue her, what would you have said about her then?

The reason I ask is that when somebody is seriously getting on your nerves and it's been getting worse over time, it is difficult to arrive at either realistic expectations of her or a realistic appraisal of her genuine needs.

If your mother has been diagnosed with dementia and TBI (traumatic brain injury), she probabky should not be living alone, managing her own money, meds or doctor appointments.

Her care needs sound greater than what one person (you) can fufill.

How about getting a realistic needs assessment from the local Area Agency on Aging.

You need to apply for Medicaid on her behalf. Does your state have Assisted Living Facilities that accept Medicaid?

I’m working on boundaries too. It is certainly not easy as they know how to push your buttons. How about having a preset list on Thursday with all the things she normally gets. Let her check off what she needs or run through it with her. Maybe get some canned soup as backup and if she runs out of food then give her the soup or whatever the backup food is so that under no circumstances you allow her to disregard your boundaries regarding shopping.

I like Kmjfree's suggestion of having a preset list she can check items from. BUT, you know what she runs out of and if she doesn't check those off the list, check it off yourself. This gives her a little "control", but eliminates contention if she runs out before the next trip.

While the whiteboard sounds nice, there's nothing to stop her from wiping it off and/or writing over it. I'd suggest a large print calendar with Friday clearly marked as shopping day. If you go to her camper, cross off the days that have gone by. She may have trouble, esp if she's got cognitive issues, knowing what day it is.

Assumption is that you don't have POA, so that you can control her finances and medical appts. This makes life a bit difficult, esp if those cognitive issues are in play.

Keep the boundaries you've set. Stick to them. Work around her inability to plan (shopping) by knowing what's needed and add it to her list, no matter what she says. Don't argue with her when she starts crap - walk away or hang up the phone. If she has or makes up little issues to deal with, just agree that it'll be taken care of and do it when you or hubby feel like it! She'll complain, ignore it. You know she'll do this, so don't acknowledge it, react to it or try to explain anything to her. She knows how to push the buttons, so you have to learn to deactivate those "buttons."

My ex was VERY good at pushing my buttons. He'd call and start in on me. I learned the above from my then 5yo daughter! We were locked out of the house, staying at my parent's house. When I got into an argument on the phone, she was standing there. She very calmly, quietly said "Why don't you just hang up the phone?" I stopped and looked at her and said "Gee, why didn't I think of that!" I did hang up. He called back JUST so he could hang up on me. Big deal. It's hard at first, but you get better at it over time. Back in our house, he started on the buttons. I paused, considering my reply and he provided the out for me by saying "Well, aren't you going to answer me?" I said "No, because if I do we'll get into an argument and I don't want to argue." He went into a tirade, so I hung up. To avoid the call back, I took the phone off the wall - then it rings at his end but not mine and I could go back to spending quality time with the kids! (Back in the day, land lines only and no answering machines!)

Steel yourself. Work around her demands and issues by setting the day/time one of you will "deal with it." Work around her lack of planning by knowing, at a minimum, what she needs and add those to her list. Work around her complaining by cutting her off - no response at all, just walk away (if on the phone, also cut her off, make up some emergency and hang up.)

You mention these:
"We constantly have to do stupid things, like "fix" things on her cellphone, or her tv settings, or her AC thermostat. Not because she actually can't, but because she seems to enjoy "getting help"."

Maybe she could "fix" these, maybe not. Once I went to my mother's condo and it was SO hot! She had the thermo set to heat, not cool. The heat wasn't running, but neither was the AC! I don't really have AC, but thought I was going to melt! My brother installed a Nest thermostat. She didn't know how to use it, so it stopped the temp issues, PLUS he could monitor it and adjust it with his cell phone from wherever! Cell phones are easy to "mess up." Assumption is she has one, as it's difficult to even think what one can mess up on a land line. While the 'swiping' to do tasks are nice, it also can cause issues if you swipe wrong. Sometimes it takes some effort for me to fix things I didn't even know I did! If possible, maybe a simpler phone, or remove all the various "apps" she shouldn't need. Pare down what options she has to bare minimum. Any way to set TV settings and only give her a simple controller that changes stations?

You're dealing with a mother who suffers from dementia & previous brain injuries, so in reality, she's incapable of living alone or doing things in a 'normal' way any longer. If she's always been a PITA, well nowadays, she's MORE of a PITA due to the dementia. I know because I have a mother like yours............who's always been very very narcissistic and passive aggressive BOTH, and now, with dementia, she is 100% insufferable. Part of it is that she doesn't care; part that she doesn't pay attention; part that she has dementia and part that she's narcissistic. Put it all together and what you have on your hands is a giant chit-show!!! No kidding. At least my mother lives in a Memory Care ALF, thank God (but swears she does NOT have dementia and doesn't belong there; it's the others who are all 'stupid morons', she's perfectly fine). So as an only child, I am the only one to deal with her histrionics and nonsense, but it's on MY terms b/c she does not live in my house. Nor will she ever live in my house.

She refuses to make a list of what she needs from the store, yet says she's in 'desperate' need of ALL sorts of things, one million things to be exact. For months on end I told her, mom, if you can't and won't make me a list, then I can't and won't buy you anything. Period. She played SUCH an incredible amount of head games with me, with the staff at the ALF, with everyone who'd listen, lying and making up absurd stories about this 'list' that didn't exist, that finally, I went to Wal Mart one day. I bought everything I could get my hands on; toothpaste, mouthwash, anti perspirant, shampoo, conditioner, face cream, and on and on. I dragged over all the bags to the ALF and gave them to the care giver who came to the door; told her HERE, put this stuff in my mother's room, it's the stuff she 'desperately needs but won't write a list for'. Know what the gal said? "Gee, I was just in her room and she doesn't need anything." I thought my head was going to explode at that moment.

Anyway, get your mother placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility on Medicaid if she has no money, or in an Assisted Living Facility with a Memory Care wing if she does have money. She doesn't get to live in a camper on your property anymore, it's no longer safe to do so. You don't want to wait until she wanders off in the middle of the night, or burns the camper down, to realize she's not capable of independent living anymore AFTER you're faced with an emergency!!!!

Tell her, mother, I can't do this anymore. Your doctor has ordered you to be cared for by professionals now, and that's what we're going to do. That's what I'd do. And expect her argumentativeness and contention to GROW by leaps and bounds as she ages and as the dementia worsens. There is NOTHING my mother won't argue with me about, nothing. Even yesterday, I said how hot it is outside, well it's FREEZING COLD in her room. I said, yes well, it's easy to keep a small room cold but not so easy to keep a large house with cathedral ceilings cool. I don't have a SMALL ROOM she hollered, I have a LARGE APARTMENT. Then it became time for me to hang up the phone and wish her a good night.

You can get the ball rolling NOW to apply for Medicaid or whatever you need to do to get her placed. In the meantime, the word No is a complete sentence. Nothing will be 'worse' than having her continue to live on your property and to make you so anxious you can't even go out to the store. Start focusing on YOUR life now as there's plenty of it left. Your mother has lived HER life, and it's time to get her placed now so you can begin the rest of YOURS.

Good luck!

Please read book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. They even have one just about adult children dealing with their parents. I would also suggest a counsellor to help you with deciding and sticking with good boundaries. Realize that mom will not like you sticking to your boundaries. That's OK; the boundaries are for your sanity, not hers.

Additional questions/comments:

You say you "rescued" her from the husband - have they gotten separation and divorce? If not, why not? You won't want any issues from that falling in your lap!

Can you at least talk with the doctor's office, and ask if you can change her appt day/time when she schedules it on an inconvenient day/time? It isn't like that is asking for personal medical information, just changing to a convenient time for you. If you get a sympathetic staff member, you can just chalk it up to her forgetting what day it is and that she can't get a ride that day. Better they allow you to coordinate the day/time than losing that time slot for nothing! Then put that date/time on her calendar.

While chatting with them, perhaps they can assist in getting her, at the least, to fill out adv directives or something at the doctor office that allows you some oversight, if you don't have POAs.

Although the tests a PC doc would give might not reveal enough cognitive issues, it may be all you have. You can't force her to get neurological testing as someone suggested. Docs also can't give you info, but you can ask them to do tests. Our PC wasn't asked, they just attempted (failed!) with my mother, who was already in MC for about 2 years at that time! Then a little later they tested me at my physical. If one doesn't have dementia, they have a baseline, for comparing with future tests. If the "issues" she is having, remembering to add things to the list, messing up the tv, etc ARE related to cognitive decline, it just might show up on those tests. Very early stages some people can "breeze" through and appear to be okay. But, if they can do a test and it indicates enough decline, it may be enough to get guardianship - they would likely divert to SW or someone else in the medical field, if you don't have POA or adv directives, so they can discuss with you.

With guardianship, you DO have control of finances, medical AND where she lives (sounds like she might need Medicaid to help defray costs. If so, a good EC atty can help - not cheap, but mom's assets should be used.

Stand firm on your boundaries. Shopping is Friday - if she has a list on Monday, it can wait...you may have to put up with some grief about it a few times, but she will get the message and if she doesn't, she will have to deal it on her own.

Fixing small things IS very annoying - I do it all the time, and there really is no way out except to make her wait until it is convenient for you to do it. My mother learned how to do some things on her own simply because I would not jump.

I normally rail against this statement, but words cannot hurt you unless you let them. Some people use words in a war-like fashion, so ignore them and move forward with your own life, disregarding what they say. Not an easy task since I truly believe words have great power, but in this instance I have chosen to ignore them, and you can too.

Set boundaries as you need them, and do everything you need to do to keep them. Some people have been taught that we will not keep those boundaries, so they push and push and push, but eventually she will learn that this time you really do mean business - the boundaries are our way to maintain our selves. If you have trouble keeping them verbally, try walking away for 1/2 hour or so. Set a timer if that helps - but don't engage in any way during the time out. It is like dealing with a child - you have to teach her your boundaries.

You and your husband have been generous so far - let that be your legacy

When you rescued her from her choices did you get any type of agreement in place about how long she would be staying or how much she would be paying? If not, now is the time to decide what you are willing to do. You are not obligated to pick up where grandma left off. Your mom is a grown woman and she has made choices that have consequences, unfortunately someone has always stepped in and protected her from paying the price for her decisions. Do you want to be the one that takes the consequences for her for the rest of her or your life? Seriously think about this and what it could cost you to do so. Are you willing to lose everything so she doesn't have to do what she doesn't want to?

If she has dementia and brain injuries you are going to have to take the lead and ignore her when she pulls the "I am your mother" card or the I got confused business and you do that by preemptively stopping it by implementing rules and boundaries and consequences.

Thursday you tell her that you need the weekly shopping list for tomorrow, remind her that anything she doesn't order will have to wait until next Friday. If she has to go with out she will stop if it is a game and my money is it is a power play at this point.

Sit her down and tell her that she has to pay her way to live at your house and set an amount. Then collect it from her. No excuses, she pays or decides where she wants to move in 30 days.

If she starts throwing a fit, tell her you will not be treated that way and you will be back later and leave. Do this every single time she is nasty. Doesn't matter if she ever gets it, you won't have to be subjected to her nastiness. But you will be surprised how effective it can be to say, enough, I refuse to be treated like that! Then leave. It gets easier to ignore the drama that is guaranteed to follow any boundaries that you place and enforce. My dad usually has a medical emergency and I say I will call 911, that is not what he wants so it passes quickly, because I don't buy into it.

I would also contact the local area on aging and get a needs assessment done. This will help you understand what you are really dealing with. Be prepared for what is called showtiming, meaning that she will miraculously be able to do things that she can not do now or two minutes after they leave. They know about this behavior and take it in to consideration. They will help you understand what help and level of care she needs.

Most importantly, you and your husband need to decide what you are willing to do for her and create a united front. She battles one she is taking on both of you and she needs to see that. Never let her know that she is causing problems between you. As far as she knows it is her against the two of you if she wants a battle.

I wish you would have come here before you "rescued" her. She sounds like she is a narcissist as well and she would have been fine right where she was.

Best of luck!

She is manipulating you and you are making excuses for her behavior. When she gives you a small list on Friday remind her that it will be whole week before anyone goes to the store again.  You then have to stick to it. When she gives you the big list on Monday tell her you will hold onto it and get everything on Friday when it is shopping day again. Double check with her when any meds need to be refilled. Keep your own list or have the pharmacy do autofill and call you when they are ready for pickup. Since the pharmacy doesn’t deliver have you looked into mail order for her? I get my medications from one and it’s a 90 day supply, they will even contact her doctor if they need a new refill order. For appointments make sure you stick to the times and days that work for you. Do you have the contact information for her doctors? Make sure they are aware that you are her transportation and that appointments may need to be scheduled around your availability. Are you controlling her finances now? Would that need to change if she moved into housing? Look into supportive housing for her, you could still have all her bills mailed to you and give her a weekly allowance of cash to have for minor things. Right now she has no respect for you or your time, YOU need to change this. Get a large dry erase calendar and mark what she needs to know on it. Friday is shopping day – no other appointments. Mark a big X through days that you are not available. When she makes a demand that does not fit the schedule you point to the calendar and say “sorry I can’t, but I can do it on this day or that”. When it comes to all those little tasks she keeps asking you or hubby to fix, go once, show her how, write the instruction on a post it next to the thermostat. The next time she calls go over (when it’s convenient for you) and have her follow the instructions while you are there. The third time remind her where the instructions are and that she should be able to do it herself, you’ll check in on her tomorrow to see how she made out.

If she is able to live on her own, then that's what she needs to do. Elsewhere.

As others have said, stick to your rules. Oh, she hands you another grocery list? Tell her it has to wait until the next store trip. She will get annoyed and leave, or see that you're not playing and she'll go without. Then she'll know to stop the antics.

If things don't change-- and it's looking like they won't-- you can set a limit. Give her a date where she has to leave. You and your husband sit down with her and tell her this is not working out, and she needs to be in a place more suited to her needs. Give her 90 days notice and help her find another place. She will of course cry, yell, cuss you out, do whatever it takes to get her way and play the victim. Don't give an inch. If she's still there when the 90 days are up, call the police and have her removed from your property. At that point it's all on her, because she knew she had to find another place and chose not to.

In hindsight, boundries needed to be set when she moved in and kept to them. Let her be angry. You can walk away. Its not her who needs to change (which won't happen) its you and DH.

I bought my Mom a large wipe off calendar. Each block was about 2 in. I wrote her appts and anything else important to her on it. If Mom makes an appt not good for you, then call the doctor's office and change it. I made my Moms appts because I worked. Call her Thurs and remind her that you need a grocery list because DH will be shopping the next day. She must list everything she needs because he will not be shopping any other time. You may need to go and check what she needs. I used a whiteboard for Mom. When she ran out of something or remembered she wanted something she immediately wrote it down. Really, what does she need that in an emergency u can't provide. See if her meds can be mailed. Call Office of Aging in your County and see what resources are available for Mom. They may offer transportation.

You say Mom has Dementia. One of the first things to go is short term memory loss. Being able to reason and process what your saying are early signs too. Does she get SS if so then she should be paying her utilities, at least something towards them. If she was married a number of years, her husband should be paying some support. Now she is 65, if she hasn't, she should be signing up for Medicare. If her income is low, she maybe able to get Medicaid for her health. This would be a suppliment to her Medicare. This would help pay for her prescriptions and they provide transportation. Are the utilities in her name? If yes, she could get help with them.

ASSISTED LIVING ASAP.
Your post describes a psychologically abusive, (manipulative) mother. You mentioned that your father was abusive. Manipulative mother personality types often have zero hesitations about provoking an abusive husband into rages against herself and/or her children. (Not only to control the husband, but to also ruin relationship b/w the father and children, and to garner sympathy from the kids).

That being said, your mother knows exactly what she is doing, deliberately provoking you into reacting, by doing little things to create problems, and rebelling against your boundaries. She will never stop unfortunately, and will deny everything is deliberate.

As a start, get some sort of message board to post daily appointments, shopping days, etc.It's okay to tell her that she will be waiting until Friday, even though she claims to not have enough food & medicines to get through the week.
She was already CLEARLY TOLD THAT Friday is the ONLY shopping day which is a perfectly reasonable rule to enforce.

Unfortunately STICKING TO YOUR BOUNDARIES., will induce her into giving you guilt trips and could escalate her into creating "drama," perhaps by contacting adult protection services, to claim that you're abusing her.

In the meantime be reassured that she 100% understands she is manipulating you, and knows that her actions are wrong. Due to her manipulative personality it's time to document her actions, etc in a similar manner used by counselors + psychiatrists, etc. Create a patient/client (mom) file, to store your daily patient/client (mom) observation + interaction notes. Every day you must write "patient notes," about conversations, on goings, etc. That's where you will also store receipts and your documentation about her requests, etc, and bullet points about your conversations.

The purpose to using a clinical approach is twofold
1.To keep your mind clear from re-thinking about her interactions, etc.
2. To have an unofficial pre-emptive offensive documented history; based on her personality type, you must prepare your thinking to understand there's a chance, that, to get you to drop boundaries she will call APS, or 911 to complain about fake non-events, such as your neglect and imprisonment of her or perhaps your abuse and your husband's abuse.
Your daily documentation will illustrate that you're not neglecting her. Andas mentioned it will free your mind from over thinking her b.s.

Never underestimate the depths that manipulative personality-types will passive aggressively plunge, to get you to comply (drop boundaries), and to get sympathy, and attention from anyone. Document to protect yourself as if your life depends on it.

It is imperative you understand, that as soon as you reinforce your boundaries, SHE WILL resist by making you feel guilty and/or perhaps by causing problems to get you to comply (drop boundaries). How? as mentioned by possibly calling 911 or APS to get someone to "help," her, or by faking an injury or sickness

If she does anything such as faking sickness/injury or contacting APS or calling 911 then those actions will be your final confirmation that it's time to seek her admission into an assisted living facility.

Where are all of my thoughts originating, My past work was involved with some of society's most deplorables, I've heard mothers talk about:
1. purposefully driving vehicles over family pets
2. deliberately provoking their husbands to become enraged at their children whilst those mothers watched
3. causing divorces of their adult children by psychologically torturing the spouse, and adult-child.

I would determine, with medical professionals, what she really is capable of.

Seems like there could be some cognitive issues. You can and should still have boundaries but depending on what she really can handle mentally, you might have to give a little help in her meeting the terms of your boundaries, without bending your rules.

For example, shopping is done once a week on Friday. That's perfectly reasonable. If she's capable, I would still give her a reminder on Wednesday or Thursday that you need her shopping list. Do you go in and check what she has on hand or just go by what she says? Either way, you know what she gets, so if her list is obviously lacking, get her some of the things she is most likely in need of so you KNOW there will be no NEED for her to have shopping done prior to next Friday.

For her meds, does her pharmacy have online ordering and reviewing of her meds and when they're available for refill, etc.? CVS has a great system so I can monitor my mom's meds there since I fill her pill containers, etc. While it's a little more work for you, getting ahead of some of these things and knowing what's going on and meeting some of her needs in advance, could reduce your stress level. If you're going to get her meds anyways, it might be better to just get them instead of waiting for her to have an "emergency" of being out of X so she can try to demand that you go get it NOW.

I understand she's been difficult forever. I feel for you. Push back a little. Stay calm. Don't argue. Just tell her, nicely, the way it is, and keep her basic needs met as it appears she is dependent upon you to do so.

Explain to Mom that you make another run for his aunt. That run is done on Friday that you will be down Thursday night make a list of what she needs she will give you the money and that will be it until next Friday. The less you say the better you are.

Explain to your Mom you are on the verge of burnout.

If you and your mother have never got along both of you need to seek counseling together.

Best of luck!

How about spending time just the two of you at least one day out of the month for the hole day writing a book all about her life and ask her to write notes and share them with you so you can make this book for her. Google ways to write your life story whether published or not. Help her find an online group she can join in one of her interest like how to deal with a daughter that thinks you are a pain. Just kidding we all need a little more humor today!