Validation: yes, I use it as much as I can. But, what to do when he wants to phone dead people?

A nursing home resident (with demenia) I knew frequently asked "Where is my Daddy?" I would say o her, "Mary, he's with my Daddy and they're having a wonderful day together." (My father, like hers, was long dead.) This seemed to satisfy her.

The real shock would be if they pick up - !

Sorry, I shouldn't be flippant.

Will he let you dial the number and then pass the phone over to him? If so, you can be creative as suggested below - line must be down, straight to voicemail, hmmm that's strange, perhaps the number's changed I expect we'll get a card about it soon etc. etc. etc.

If he insists on dialling by himself, I think you need only intervene if you know the number is still connected to the dead person's family, who might be distressed by getting a call for their relative; and in that case, remind him that it's the wrong time of day, that they never take calls on a Sunday, that they'll just be sitting down to dinner - any excuse to postpone the call indefinitely. Other than that, let him try and be ready to offer sympathy and "puzzlement" when the call is a failure.

In any case, though, can you use his wish to call a particular individual to start a reminiscence about the person and divert him into a conversation?

madrina, after my Dad had moved to senior living, I noticed he had gone through his Rolodex, and had pulled out a card which had his favorite plumber. Oh dear, Dad no longer needs to call a plumber....

So when Dad was busy doing something else, I quickly went through his Rolodex and took out all the tradespeople he had in that box, plus telephone numbers of relatives/friends that had passed on. Put those cards in my purse. Dad never did notice... whew !!

You could try saying that so-and-so's number is (area code)555-0whatever, numbers have been officially designated for use in Hollywood movies and TV shows, 555-0100 through 555-0199.

Let him call. The bigger question is what you do...when they answer! Relax. Give him the phone. My wife has lengthy conversations with her mother who has been gone ten years. The conversations seem to help her...very calming.

I think it depends. I usually tell my husband the person is in heaven and they are doing great. He usually repeats “they’re in heaven?” and I confirm and change the topic. In saying heaven, he seems to realize they have passed, but it’s not as upsetting to him as saying he died or passed away. Sometimes telling your LO the person has died causes the LO to experience the grief all over again, and you don’t want that. If you’re dialing, can you redirect to call someone who’s living? If he’s dialing himself, I like the idea of changing them to non-working numbers in his phone book. Good luck.

My dad passed away two weeks before my mom had a terminal stroke. She kept asking to call Daddy. And every time I would dial the number and it would go to his voicemail and the automated voicemail message with the female voice would play. She would just look at me and say that woman answered again. five minutes later she would always say your father died but he doesn't know it yet. Her stroke gave her symptoms very similar to dementia and I didn't want to say Daddy died and have her be upset. Sometimes it is just better to let them dial the number and in their mind even if they don't comprehend they may enjoy just trying to reach out to somebody that meant something to them. she joined him a few weeks later. I never saw any harm in letting her make those calls.

It really depend if the number is still active and he might upset a relative etc. If so buy him a new book and say let’s tidy up all these numbers make it easier for you and take out all the innapropriate ones. If number is no longer active let him phone it, Fred must be out or have changed his number etc.

Does he know the numbers by memory? If not, I'd erase them from his phonebook or write in a dead-end fake number. I had to do this with my MIL who started calling everyone in her address book when she went into LTC because she was bored/confused. It was unfair to the people that she was constantly calling. She has extreme short-term memory loss so she'd call over and over. Eventually she stopped. Hang in there!

Because they are not fully aware. And within a few minutes they forget what you say.
I tell my Mom it's either too late or too early to call them cuz they are still asleep. We can try to call them later.
Or tell them that that person went to the store and we can call them when they get home.
I know this sounds like lying to them, it will calm them at that moment. You know in 30 minutes they will have forgotten what you told them.

One thing I will do in a situation like this is say to the person " tell what you like doing the most with this person." I have found that often times if you let the individual reminisce about their time and thoughts about their parent / friend they can be re-directed.