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Do people eventually adjust to being locked up in memory care?


How will I know if they are ready to go on an outing?


My parents have been in memory care for one month and two weeks.


The fibs about the doctor having to release them are not working anymore.


They want to go home to the house where they lived for 55 years.


They both say they would rather die than be locked up in memory care for the rest of their lives. I think I would if it were me.


They call at least 30 times a day.


Some nights they think they are at a hotel where they used to vacation.


When they call me in that state of mind, I tell them I will come and get them in the morning. They don't remember this the next day.


Advice appreciated.

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My hubby's been in memory care for 15 months and is just NOW begrudgingly accepting it, although he still cries sometimes and still packs his room saying he's "going home today." One thing that worked for us for a while is the RAZ memory phone. I wish more people knew about it. You, as the caregiver, have a dashboard where you can control who they can call (their contacts show up as a picture that they touch to make a call), and you can even control who can call them (to prevent robocalls). They also offer a service where if the person calls 911, it goes to a live operator but not directly to police or fire dept. My hubby called them all the time when I didn't pick up. Thank God it didn't go to the police! You can set quiet times where the phone will not connect to you at all. This helped us a lot. The caller gets a very sweet message that lets them know you will be happy to talk to them at a later time.

The RAZ memory phone worked for us for several months and I didn't have to worry about him calling the bank, or the cops, or all the other things he threatened. Sometimes we even had lovely good-night calls. But eventually, he too started with the 25-30 calls a day, crying, cajoling, pleading, threatening and so on. Even with sending them to voicemail, it was upsetting. When he finally said he hated the phone and didn't want it, I was relieved, because I was going to have to take it away. Now he still asks me to find him a "good" phone and I have to say I'm still looking. Sad, but we can never go back to that again.

Bottom line is there are products like this available that help with certain situations, but even they aren't perfect. There are also no-dial phones (available on Amazon) but in my opinion, I think they would create more anxiety, looking at a boxy landline phone with no "face" on it. Kind of sounds like a nightmare!

You're getting a lot of advice here, and I hope some is helpful. I'd also add that if you can find a support group for yourself, please check it out. You are not alone, but it's a long and uphill road and it often feels lonely. Best of luck.
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Tell them as soon as all repairs are done to their home they can go home.
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neelloc: An individual with dementia is typically referring to a home from possibly fifty years ago. Is it possible to not accept the thirty calls a day per notifying the facility? Quite possibly come up with a different fib, i.e. your home is being painted, etc. - virtually anything else that sounds logical to YOU.
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Being married gives you the opportunity to tell them the truth, they're together. Tell them you can't bring them home and as long as they have each other, they're not going to miss anything else. Better or worse,in sickness or in health..... Just remind them they're together! Something else you can address is you need to sell the house because you need the money for their care, because one can't go home without the other. I'm hoping you have POA over everything, financial and medical. I assumed moms will gave me POA, not until she passes. Getting someone to notorized while in memory care is practically impossible. You should get it out in the open and quit hurting yourself. I'm surprised they still know how to use the phone. There's going to be the day they can't and you're going to get very upset that you can't reach them. It's very disturbing,call,call,call and finally get the memory care unit to check in on them. Sit them down in the morning/ early afternoon and tell them, you're sorry you can't do that. Explain how it's impossible because they need more care than you can give. You're going to miss all those calls. It's obvious that they don't buy your story, truth is the only way to go. Get it off your mind and focus on making it known that they are together with everyone looking after them. I'm curious to know who put them in memory care? I know it happens very fast but if it was a Dr? Tell them!!! Tell everything! Don't keep making it up, get some pressure off of your mind because there's lots more to go through. Peace and love!
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You might have to change the "Therapeutic Lies" that you have been telling them. I used to say, "Oh you're here for some physical therapy. We're waiting for your legs to get a bit stronger."

They have only been there a short time. You have to update the "Therapeutic Lies" to whatever seems plausible to them. If you visit at night, you can tuck them into bed, then leave when they're asleep.
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We are dealing with similar. Limit daily calls for your own mental health and wellbeing. Therapeutic lies: no longer work. It's all about safety. I tell my Mom...I know you'd like to go home, but with Dad gone, it was just too hard for you to be alone and you were scared all the time, especially at night...and we don't ever want you to be scared, so you moved to be near people and help, should you need it. You're safe here and that's what matters the most. Misplaced/confused surroundings. I always "anchor" Mom with...look around you...do you recognize the furniture, the art work, etc? (repeat safety message). Another favorite of my Mom's is...I never see anyone. No one ever calls me, etc. I've instructed my brothers to always ask about bananas..."Mom, do you have bananas?" If the answer is yes, then Laurie was just there because she brings you fresh bananas every Sat.

Something that has been really helpful for us is ppt charts. I made 2 simple powerpoint charts. Siblings/spouses all have copies. They're taped on the back of Mom's AL apt door. When she's anxious/teary/unwound and calling repeatedly, we walk her to the door. We have her read the slides to us. We do it over and over until she calms down and her questions are answered. On the slides we have: Her address; how/why she moved there; who lives nearby. On the next slide we address her next set of common anxiety causes: your rent is paid; you eat in the dining room; your sources of income are; and...most importantly, you are safe and surrounded by staff in case you get scared, injured or sick.

When she talks about missing NY/her friends, and wanting to go visit family in Puerto Rico, I say...we'll work on it for the spring (or summer, or fall). That works and it's soon forgotten. We do go for rides in the car, and it's a super treat to go to the mall to wander around (and reminisce about all the fabulous Macy's shopping done over a lifetime), and drive throughs are a treat.

Hope this helps. At night, after I've spoken to Mom once, I "block" her calls til the next am. This has been a tremendous anxiety reducer for me. Also, I've worked with the grandchildren to set up a rotating daily contact schedule to call their Nana. Each has a day (or 2) that they're responsible for an evening call to Nana. If they can't make that call, they get their own sub. That works well!

Please watch out for your own physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. It's a rough journey.
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Here is what I did:
Bugs - Mom, the house had bugs and I had to contact the exterminators. They have bombed the house once and will have to do it again. The house cannot be lived in for awhile.

Carpet - After the bug bombs, it was clear the carpet needed replacing. I have contacted the carpet layers and they are booked out for several weeks. They cannot get to us for about two months.
all
Locks - Since the house has been empty and I had to give the key to all the workers, all the locks have to be changed. This will take several weeks.

And so on.....you can add in the yard work people, painters, and whatever other service you can think of. This was a very hard lie to keep up, esp since I was trying to sell her home, so I could pay for the memory care. This is a very hard thing to do. Eventually, she stopped asking.
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My mom was at home for quite some time even though she should have been in a facility. She did not want to go to a facility and claimed I just wanted to get rid of her. I tried to take care of her at my home but I was just not able to do so for many reasons along with a torn rotator cuff of my own.

We returned her to her home with 24/7 care. THIS COST $18,000 PER MONTH. We were using her funds while she was still cognizant enough to have funds transferred from her IRA. It got to the point where she was not able to do this and because there were some banking. POA and Trust complications to resolve I used funds from my savings. I spent over $60,000.00 from my funds. She didn’t qualify for Medicade because she had funds in her IRA but she could not use them due to her incapacity. I am successor trustee and was able to recoup my expenses after the home was sold. But in the back of my mind I was not sure this would happen because I didn’t know if there was another Trust or will I was not aware of.

sorry to be long winded but my point is that returning your parents home could be financially devastating. In addition that does not necessarily free you up. I live about 70 miles from mom but my brother was just 2 miles away. The caregivers were constantly calling him. We need this or that. Mom is not cooperating, etc, etc. He was working at home due to Covid and it was tough to balance all that.

While my mom with dementia was mobile she did not wander from home. This would be something else to consider. Caregivers would need to watch both if wandering off is an issue.

You may need to start answering less when your parents call. If there is an emergency the facility will call you. I know it’s hard to answer the same questions over and over. The question with my mom was meds. Every 5 minutes it was “when do I get my pills”. My response always was followed from her with lots of horrible names for me.

once again sorry to be long winded. This dementia thing is so difficult. Good luck and hang in there.
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It really doesn’t matter what you tell them, because they will forget. That being said, tell them whatever you think they want to hear, just to keep the peace. You don’t want to upset them, so just play along with whatever you get from them at the time.

If they think they are in a hotel, fine, tell them to have a great time. If they ask to come home, tell the, I’ll be there in a little while, in the mean time, just relax.

Remember the home they are talking about could be not real. Home means different things at different stages of your life. Maybe they are talking about the home they had when first married; maybe they mean their childhood home, maybe a weird mix of all there homes…bits and pieces of each.

Ignore their calls. Ask the facility if there’s some activities that can help occupy them. Ask the Dr to adjust their meds. Mostly, you will just have to ignore their calls and requests. This disease is so hard to cope with for the entire family. When placating them, be as upbeat and nonchalant as possible, that will help them be calm.
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Maybe ask the dr to review the meds cocktail? Hopefully they are physically near each other or in the same room(s)?
I dont think more (and unsupervised when needed 24/7) )change even to visit is good. Maybe you can get a special phone number or app they think is your phone number with a sweet message on it so you dont have 30 calls a day. I dont think I would do any outings. Now a few old school movies they might like and its safe! Popcorn and all if they wont choke on it.
Remember their brains are dysfunctional. You cant think of them as coherent adults. They might need a while to adjust to their new adventure! Six weeks isnt long. Try joining them for a meal or the movie. Make their present seem more familiar and normal. Visit regularly but do your life. Otherwise, no clue!
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I am so sorry that you are going through this. And so sorry also for your parents.

Your post could have been written by me last year. Both parents moved into memory care at the same time, had a difficult time adjusting, and begged to go home. It’s tough to be in your position. But my parents had lost the ability to use phones and tv remotes etc by that time, and we did not put a phone in their unit due to the number of frantic calls I had been receiving daily when they lived at home.

It will take time for them to settle in, but they may never accept the arrangement. My advice is make a plan to limit their calls somehow or stop them completely. It is probably stressful for them to be calling that often anyway, and it may be interfering with their adjustment to their new home situation. Hopefully you can visit or stay in touch with them through phones calls or even video calls, if staff is willing to help with that. What I have witnessed is the amount of support and number of people it takes to support the later stages of dementia in two people. My parents turned their residential community upside down with their behavioral needs. It took professionals to manage it, and one person employed at their home would not have been nearly enough.

I was mostly honest with my parents, reminding them that their lives at home had become unmanageable and and that they might be able to relax more now that things like cooking, cleaning, bill paying, doctor appts etc were being handled by staff to reduce their load. And that they needed to be safe and have 24hr care.

My dad declined very rapidly due to multiple health conditions and passed in May. Now it looks like mom will be going into hospice this week due to broken hip surgery and her inability to bounce back. A lot has transpired in one year.

Be sure to take care of yourself and try to manage the stress that goes along with dementia in loved ones. It can take a serious toll on your own health as it did with mine. People told me that as hard as it was, it wouldn’t last forever due to the nature of this disease. However as much as I knew it was coming, saying goodbye to my mom is something I’m really struggling with.

I wish you the best.
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Please get them out of there and back home! You can look into home care for them instead. Why would you want to cause them so much anguish and despair by locking them in there? There is often a great deal of neglect and abuse in those places as well. At home they will recover much quicker and be happy.

There are programs to help with in home care if they can not afford it. Sometimes insurance will cover it, but if not see if they have a program like we do in our state. It is called IRIS. They will help provide for all their medical and personal needs not covered by insurance. They will pay for caregivers (including family).

It is a much better option and your parents will at least have a chance to thrive and be happy again.
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somersaunt Mar 2023
I agree with you even though I know it is an unpopular answer. I put my parents in the veteran's home mostly because of my mom who had Lewy Body Dementia and since it was the middle of covid we were not able to check on them. My mom died from covid and we are now in a class action law suit with 35 other families whose loved one died from the home not following protocol and having multiple health violations against them. My mom was also abused by a nurse who pinched her and was very physically abusive with her even though my dad tried his hardest to protect her. We thought she was hallucinating when she would tell us about the nurse because she had hallucinations 24 hours a day. My dad passed away this last April and was taken off of medication he needed besides catching Covid twice. It is the biggest regret of my life and I don't think I will ever get over it. There definitely needs to be more help and clarity with finding home care.
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It took about 10 weeks before our 30+ phone calls diminished. They are going through grief, adjustment and loss. At 8 weeks, they started her on a single dose of Seroquel. And the calls reduced to 5-6, at 10 weeks just 1-2.
it takes time for them to get used to it, the staff figures out how to best help them ( our facility did not want to put her on anything till 8 weeks to see how she adjusted)
now she loves it there! She has new friends, social life, and staff to check on her! Your parents will adjust in time, but talk and work the nursing/care team.
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Are your parents people who respect doctors and follow their directive? If so, maybe get a “prescription” from their doctor for memory care. If your doctor won’t write one, then just get something that looks like a prescription pad on Amazon and write one yourself. This worked for a friend of mine. She even had a friend get a lab coat and stethoscope and go with her to visit her mother where he “examined” her and then said the test results showed that she needed to stay there a bit longer. It worked for her. She calmed down for a good while because she saw the doctor and “the doctor told her she had to stay there for her rehabilitation.” When time passed and she started asking again she did a telemedicine visit via FaceTime with her friend in the white coat and that worked as well. Eventually she progressed further and stopped asking. It’s awful the lies you have to tell them sometimes, but IMO if it’s done from love and to keep them as safe and calm as possible, it’s okay.

As for the constant phone calls….no. You need to put limits on that. I would block them from your phone except for the times you are okay with them calling you. Then call them once a day. Some days my father would call me over and over again simply because he was pushing buttons on his phone. So I blocked him and then unblock him a couple hours in the evening in case he calls then. Protect your sanity.
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As you have shared " they do not remember......".. By virtue of the fact that their PCP has assessed their cognitive status
( right?) and , the facility where they reside has assessed their cognitive status ( right?) as qualified admits to " memory care" ( right?)...... and, you( POA) and the family have agreed, they are in " memory care" for safety reasons ( right?). Their " short term" memory will indeed prevent them from remembering they have called you, hence the 30 plus phone calls a day and lack of memory the next morning about prior evening conversation. Their " long term " memory allows their fond memories of their home of 55 years etc etc...
This is all to affirm you and your family decisions, based on professional assessments of their
" safety" needs.
The fact that they are both very newly placed in memory care is also a factor; any placement in a facility for any diagnosis takes a period of adjustment; they are grieving their displacement from their 55 year residence and other associated changes. You and family are also most likely grieving their " safety" needs for placement.
Speak with the facility " care planning" team meetings and confer with them re suggestions about" 30 plus " phone calls......
Are they making the calls from cell phones or facility phone?
Speak with facility team to be sure that interdisciplinary care such as Social Worker, Chaplain etc are seeing them on regular basis...
Try sharing with parents the " safety" reasons etc that have led to placing them in memory care. ( Remember they may or may not remember the conversation but it will respect their dignity to honor them with the conversation.
Be sure that whoever is the POA for the parents is included in the conversations if that is not you.
There is no easy answer...
Staying in conversation with the facility staff meetings, your parents and their PCP will ultimately serve you all best towards compassionate, loving decisions and care for both your parents and yourselves....
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''They don't remember this the next day''
So it sounds like placement was appropriate, but that their ability to access you is wearing you down. You might need to rotate fiblets to fit the situation or eliminate the calls or notifications-either on their end or on yours. You can discuss with the staff the best way to do that.
Unfortunately you're getting tag-teamed. They're reinforcing each other-that's understandable-nothing looks familiar, it's challenging for them to navigate their day, and will continue to be until they can get used to things. Two people will be able to loop a conversation between themselves, so you're more likely to hear from them than if it was one confused parent, who might not follow through on a thought. Their solution is to call you, and since they can't remember anything, each time they do they think it's the first time they've called.
Six weeks is fairly soon. Adjustment takes a long time because they have no short term memory to help them store information.
My mom didn't get onto a schedule until 3 months, and I think things started to look familiar to her at about 4-6 months.
(she was mid to late stage 4 on the DBAT checklist linked at the bottom of the page here: https://www.tamcummings.com/tools)
At some point the new routine will become something they rely on, and they will prefer the structure at the facility. But I don't know if the yearning for 'home' ever goes away.
When you get to the point that you're ready to take them out, keep it short and sweet. Take them somewhere generic-do not take them anywhere that will trigger memories of their home if you're not up for the conversations that might result from that. I took my mom a nearby grocery store to get cards and snacks, and it was easy to get her back in the door and tell her she needed to drop those things in her room. YMMV. Good luck!
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I want to start out by saying this is all totally normal. It is so scary for them to be in unfamiliar surroundings. People with dementia have an extremely difficult time with changes to routine, this is normal. The phone calls are normal. I got my mom a phone that would only take incoming calls and they could not call out on it. These phone came be found on Alzheimers store and is called a "dial Less Phone". I believe it is also available on amazon. It is designed specifically to reduce anxiety of calling out. I made sure I called her a couple times a day routinely and eventually she got used to it. The comments that most people make about "going home" typically mean that they are searching for somewhere that feels safe. Imagine how scared they must feel with all that is going on in their minds. Their brains are shrinking and dying out. They are unable to change and therefore everyone around them must change to adapt to them. It is an unfortunate truth that caregivers in these facilities are not trained to understand dementia, there is high turnover, and they don't have the time required to invest in redirecting residents for positive outcomes. What happens is doctors, facilities, and nursing homes overmedicate to make residents "manageable". Seroquel is a medication that is being questioned by the government in use in dementia patients because it is not appropriate or safe in that environment. "There are record-high staffing shortages and the use of chemical restraints has become commonplace to substitute for care.  The staffing shortages have caused an even higher level of resident deterioration: bedsores, weight loss, depression, call lights going unanswered, falls, and our beloved elderly left for hours and days in soiled briefs. " These are real issues that are being heavily investigated by the government and regulations are upcoming. Ohio just instituted a law that allows for cameras in residents rooms. I highly recommend everyone put a camera in their loved ones room so you can be the advocate they need. When someone has dementia their only advocate is you. Please do not rely on employees to be their voice. I had camera in my moms room (authorized). Watch some TEEPA SNOW videos on youtube, she addresses many issues with dementia including "going home". Also, there is a great book called "36 hours" about dementia that is super helpful. Please do not disregard their anxiety. It is very real to the even if it changes day to day in a different scenario. They desperately need to feel safe. The part of the brain that dies the fastest in dementia is the one that regulates the fight or flight response. This is why you read so much about the "going home" and "trying to physically get out of facilities". Ask the doctor or I would recommend a psychiatrist to medicate your parents. Medications helps tremendously but it should be appropriate, seroquel is not. There are many SSRI's and Benzos (ativan, Xanax) they are much more tolerated and helpful without turning them into zombies and increasing fall risk and sudden death.
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So sorry you are dealing with this, it is such a sad and difficult journey none of us -- including our LOs -- want to be on.

My mom is in a nursing home/SNF, not memory care as she is pretty immobile and therefore no issue of potential wandering in her case. She was placed at her great SNF after a terrible fall and 2 week inpatient stay for various things (collapsed lung, sepsis/blood infection needed IV antibiotics for 8 weeks, post op surgery for bone infection caused by the blood infection, GI bleed, raging uncontrolled diabetes, on and on (along with clinical depression, OCD and a personality disorder). The dementia (as I assumed she had) was diagnosed after the IV antibiotics ended while at the SNF and they were able to get the other medical/mental issues in check/managed to weed out other things that may have been going on. Actually, she went first to the SNF's rebab unit when discharged from the hospital before moving to the SNF floor as a permanent resident in the same facility. We did a Medicaid spend down for her; she is on long term Medicaid coverage now as she had not much in the way of any assets/income. Previously she lived in my house, and I tried to handle her care (that is another story).

Two years post SNF placement, she has still not adjusted in the sense of accepting this is where she needs to be, where she can safely get the care she now needs for her medical and other issues. The facility has a myriad of activities each day and lots of aides to help if one cannot walk (her situation). From exercise class (in your wheelchair if needed); games (even hall way bingo, just need to get to the door of your room); outings in their beautiful gardens; meals in the lovely dinning room where you can be with others; they even have a daily "big screen" movie in a hall set up like a theater, but where wheelchairs can safely get around. She will have none of it and stays in her private room, 24/7 with the TV blaring, the blinds closed and the lights out -- a bit like a cave. Sometimes she refuses to shower but is generally not that oppositional with the staff. W/me when I tried to care for her, is was oppositional behavior all the time; maddening.

I had to block her cell phone to stop the 2 am calls or the repeated calls often 10 in a row. I explained this to her and the staff that she could leave me a voice message and then I can choose when I want to listed (so it is not at 2 am). If there is any real emergency, the nursing home will call me.

Sad, but you may want to try blocking calls even if it is just for certain hours per day. Inform them you are doing this, that they can still leave a message but then you can control when live calls go through or when you choose to listen. The beauty of call blocking is there is no "pop up" on your cell phone that a call was missed, and there is no call that goes through at all. The voice message is there a you have to actively look for it. Think of this as setting a boundary for you mental health, so you can manage/control the phone intrusions. And hopefully they can learn over time to "self sooth" at bit by NOT always being able to get to you on the phone at any time day or night.

I had to limit my calls to once ever other week and to limit the time to about 20-25 minutes; so they calls could be focused and not wind up back in the "I want to come home" pleas. At that time I had a scheduled, such as Thursday at 11 (after morning clean up and before lunch). I found afternoons to be not good, she has sundowning. Back then I would visit every other Thursday and stuck to a 40 min visit. The limited routine helped her calm down and give me space to start my own recovery. On that front, getting w/a great therapist for yourself can do wonders. There are so many emotions here, working with someone can help greatly.

PS Eventually had to go no contact w/her (folks can read my bio if you want to learn more). She has yet to acclimate; me still recovering.
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Shahwango Mar 2023
I'm pretty close to going no-contact here. I would never have thought that would happen, but I literally feel like she's killing me. Every time I see her she starts out "on best behaviour" but after a while she falls back into begging to come home and proposing ridiculous "solutions" to what she has convinced herself is the reason she can't be at home (ie, that my daughter and I are just annoyed by her, rather than that she physically and mentally NEEDS to be in qualified care with an incidental side of me being utterly burnt out). At best it makes me want to lie down in the middle of the road, at worst it makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.
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I took moms phone away. My mom called me up to 20-30x a day when she lived alone. When in a facility I called her on their line..I instructed them to not have her call me. Regular scheduled visits stopped our problems. She now struggles to use a phone at all. I also told her she was unsafe living in her own home. I change the subject. Good luck.
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Having that same with my BIL who is in a memory care place. He doesn't remember laying on the ground outside his own apartment for 30 minutes all he remembers is his safe place which was his apartment. We have told him that story about the doctor has to release you, the story that we put all your furniture in a storage unit because of water damage to the apartment. They still remember that safe place where they don't have people walking into their rooms where they don't know the new CNA's coming in where they don't know the new nurses.

It all has to be the same if they have the same people everytime then they would get into a routine but it doesn't happen that way. My BIL is taken downstairs to their dining room M thru F then on the weekend he eats upstairs it throws him off everytime.

The other thing is the place where we have him is just a couple of blocks away from where he used to live and that gets him too. He likes the outside but where he is doesn't get the outside unless on of the family members gets him. That also throws him off because he thinks he is going home to his apartment.

Dementia mind is complicated you never know what will be coming out of it. My BIL would be on his cellphone for hours but no one on the other end.

Just keep telling them what you have been telling them that is all you can do. And redirect them if they have their furniture in their room just refer to that. That is what we do too.

My BIL has been in memory care place now for 6 months and we still hear the same stories.

Prayers.
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Tell them the truth.They can not come home as home is not a safe option for them.They have not been in memory care very long.You are not able to provide the care they need.Tell them in person.
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Such a hard question. Do you still have the house? If it's going to be sold, and you have the authority, I'd get it sold. Then there's no going back. If it's being k kept, is it possible they could live in it with a family member or live in help? Those are the easier solutions. Otherwise, i would like tell them the truth. Why they can't live outside of memory care anymore. Remind them of why they left home to start with. They may not remember later, but they are adults and, I believe, should be treated as such as long as possible. We were truthful to Dad until his mind completely went . He knew he needed to be there, he just didn't like it. It took a year or so for him to adjust.

The phone calls are another issue. We just went through this too. If they won't or can't abide by set limits based on telling them they can only call during set hours, then you'll have to set the limits yourself. We did that by getting Dad a phone that we can control remotely. He is cut off from calling certain people at certain times. The phone (Razor) was expensive but worth it, as dad was incapable of limiting his calls. Taking the phone away completely would have been one more blow to him.

I hope something in here helps.
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My MIL to a tee… said they would not be staying here next year .. they went to Vegas every winter…
Now she is at work, answering the phones.. states the phones have been very quiet..
and then wants to go home… sometimes it the childhood home.
They have upped her meds which has helped. Plus, got music on board with the TV spectrum plan..

my husband was quite distraught, but now realizes how dementia impacts her brain. My husband has learned there isn’t a lot he can do.
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Sorry they are having such a hard time adjusting. It is not unusual and it will probably get better. One lady at my mom's AL told her it took her about 4 months to not feel like she wanted to run away. My mom adjusted pretty quick. Not that she loves it, but she accepted it since there are no alternatives (already lived with me for 7 years).

What kind of phone are they using? Cell or landline? Doesn't really matter I guess but I would ask the staff it they can take it out of her room for awhile. Get them used to NOT calling you. I would not answer ANY calls at this time. You can call them if/when you want to. Talk to the staff to find out what's going on. I agree with you asking the staff for advice. They've been through this with untold residents.

Best of luck.
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They haven't been in MC long enough to be concerned about them wanting to leave. I would tell them that when you receive a letter from their doctor that they can go home you will discuss it with them,

As for the 30 calls a day, I hope that you do not answer them, that just adds to the confusion as they think that they will convince you. Do them and you a favor, do not answer all these calls, it is ridiculous.

Let them be for a few weeks so that they can acclimate themselves to their new home.

They are where they need to be, it is just a matter of adjusting.
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I think every person is different, so I am writing from my own experience with my mother who has advanced dementia. She is 98, in a very small care home. This summarizes my last umpteen visits:

One day she is pleased with her “retirement home”. The staff is lovely and they take of everything for her.

One day she yells for them to help her get ready or she’ll be late for school. (university)

One day she is tired of all these bed and breakfast homes, all this travelling, and wants to go home. Now.

One day she is happy with the bed and breakfast she is in because she’s been able to relax and do absolutely nothing. She has just returned by train from NYC, where she was busy sightseeing for the past several days. And she’s exhausted from all the hustle and bustle.

One day she is content in her own childhood bedroom. She tells me that she doesn’t recognize the male voice in the hall so one of her brothers must have a friend over. The clattering of dishes in the kitchen means her mother must be cooking.

I wait until she tells me where she thinks she is, then I play on it. (she does not know I am her daughter anymore) Then I build on that, to try to lead her down a different path. “You want to go home? Oh no, not now. There’s a big storm coming. Wait until tomorrow.” Or “You’re safe here. Please stay. A fallen tree is blocking the road to your house.” Or maybe “You won’t be late for school. I just heard on the radio that a water main burst on campus so classes are suspended until it’s fixed.”

I have to think fast. I realize my mother is further along than your parents but her demands to go home peaked about 2 years ago. While she was living in the same house she’d been in for 17 years. “Home” goes from being a physical location to more of a place in time. I’d try to build on the hotel notion. After all, haven’t they earned some time off from cooking, laundry and running errands?

The 30 phone calls sounds like a lot of anxiety, an issue to discuss with medical staff. Good luck to you!
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babsjvd Feb 2023
Well said !
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neelloc, when my Dad was in Memory Care, he never felt like he was in "lock up". He loved being around people closer to his age group, he enjoyed the activities especially the music from his era, and how he loved the food served in the dining room. He especially liked the fire-drills as an actual fire truck would show up :)

Dad had free range to the Assisted Living building, which had a floor for Memory Care, but he could not go outside without one of the Staff or family with him. The building was no different than living at home. How many of us keep our front door unlocked? How about the back door? At night time, the elevator would not allow residents to go to the other floors, but the Staff had a code to use said elevator.

It is my understand when someone with dementia asks to "go home" it means their childhood home back when they had fun as a child. I recall my Mom was asking to visit her parents and siblings. Mom was 98 when she asked that. The therapeutic fibs worked.

The only time my Dad would call me was when he climbed into his time machine and went back to the 1940's. He would call to say he wasn't coming home for dinner as the meeting ran late, thus he missed the last bus. He would stay at the hotel [which was his room at memory care]. I just played along as it was easier and it didn't frighten Dad like it would if I had tried to correct him.

This is all quite a journey for us.
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neelloc Feb 2023
Thanks. They want to go home to the house they have had since they were in their 20's no doubt about that.
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Stay in close contact with the staff. Let them guide you in decisions about outings.

I can’t imagine getting 30 phone calls in a day! Geeeeeeez. Please don’t continue to answer your phone. Let the calls go to voicemail.

Check in with the staff once or twice daily if you wish while they are adjusting but don’t feel badly about taking a day off here and there. You don’t necessarily have to speak with them daily.

They haven’t been there for a very long time so give them a chance to get use to their new surroundings. Uneasiness can be expected during a transition.

Would they participate in any of the activities that are offered? Have you met the activities director to discuss encouraging them to attend any social gatherings?

Have you considered meds for them to keep calm while they are going through this transitioning period?
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neelloc Feb 2023
They do participate but say it's boring. They take Seroquel with some other meds. The doc doesn't want to do more at this point. The risks outweigh the benefits. Falling ETC
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Your parents aren't buying the "fibs" anymore. That happens. They haven't been in the memor care facility for that long. Give them some time. Six weeks really isn't all that long considering they lived in the same place for 55 years then one day were living somewhere else. That's a huge adjustment. They may never adjust to being there. This can happen too. The most likely scenario is they will acclimate and adjust in time to their new environment but will turn on the crying and begging to go home whenever they see you or call.
As for the 30 phone calls a day. That is outrageous. The staff of their memory care need to prevent them from calling you so much. Or block the number if you have to.
Do as Alva suggests. One call in the morning and one in the evening. No more than that. She's also right about you not causing the situation so you should not take the guilt for it as if you were.
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I'd say let them adjust in peace for a little while yet. That means not answering the phone the 30 times they call. Tell them you are going to be away from the phone for a couple of days, then DON'T answer it. (Let the folks at the MC know you're doing this and that you are fine, so if your folks freak out about not being able to get hold of you, they'll redirect them and reassure them that you're fine.

Also, enlist the help of the MC staff. Talk to the administrator and see what they suggest to help your folks settle in better. Limit their access to the phone would be a start, because they're living with one foot firmly on the outside, so to speak, and making no real effort to embrace their new home. The caregivers there may be able to give them more attention to distract them from their obsession about going home.

I also suggest writing a short one-page biography of each of your parents for the staff to read so they can really get to know your parents and what they did before they lived there. I did this with my mother when she moved into both nursing homes she lived in, and I also sent it along when she'd go to the hospital or rehab. I talked a bit about where she grew up (one of her favorite subjects), how she was a first-grade teacher, an artist, and a librarian. I mentioned how many children and grandchildren she had and all our names, so they could ask about each of us.

Nothing's worse than having people who know nothing about you try to make small talk especially when you have dementia and can't make conversation well in the first place, so give the caregivers something to work with that makes your folks feel like they belong there.
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