Mother has forgotten how to speak English in memory care. Any suggestions?

Please don’t bring her back to your home until you have given her a much longer chance to orient herself to her current surroundings.

None of the behaviors you’ve described are surprising, and none of your efforts to comfort her or please her are unexpected in your position as a loving and devoted daughter.

Unfortunately you mother may have arrived at the point in her progressive neurological deterioration that none of your good ideas can make ongoing sense to her.

Three weeks is actually a VERY BRIEF span of time to expect even limited adjustment to a totally new environment. When my LO entered a very good local MC, we were thrilled when after about 6 months she began to respond positively to her new lifestyle.

Unless the staff has encouraged you to do so, you may be visiting too much (and worrying too much and empathizing too much), for her welfare AND YOURS.

Part of the adjustment to residential life is for the resident to slowly realize that caregivers are there to HELP THEM. If a caregiver/relative is too often present, you can see how that process can take longer.

Obviously you and she are both still dealing with the horrible, DEPLORABLE experience with the banished aide, but assuming her current care is acceptable, she will hopefully move forward.

The bilingual issue is interesting. As long as she has some comprehension of what’s said to her AND a willingness to communicate in some way to express her needs, it may not be too important at this point.

You have attempted to move Heaven and Earth (literally!) to do your best for her. Now give her some time to just observe and become accustomed to her routine, BY HERSELF.

Your concerns about bringing her home (another MAJOR CHANGE) are fully justified. Her “illness” is progressive. Change can exacerbate her struggles.

You may want to enquire whether there is a psychiatrist on staff at her MC. A small dose of medication may be helpful. It was a Godsend for my sweet LO.

Hugs and hopes that you and she find a good balance at some point in the not too distant future.

Retired ESL teacher here. My mother is also in Memory Care.

T Champ is correct, regarding the language and brain layers. If you think of that onion being eaten away from the outside in, you can get an even clearer picture of what is happening.

At my mother's MC, there are MANY Hispanic people there. Most were truly bilingual before dementia, but who now only speak English. In Florida, luckily for them, we have many caregivers who are bilingual.

It might be interesting to know if your mom has any "receptive" English left. Like if a caregiver asks her a question, can she indicate a preference? Like, Mrs. Smith, would you like an apple, or an orange?"

If not, can the caregivers use more objects, or picture cards to show her the choices that she may have to make?

As an ESL teacher, I had many sets of cards that would have a representation of an object or an idea. You could make or buy some.

Here are some body part cards that you could print. I'm thinking that you mom might be able to point to something that is hurting her, for example.

https://en.islcollective.com/english-esl-worksheets/search/flashcards?vocabulary=body-parts&student-type=elementary-school

Here are some from Amazon that you can buy:
https://www.amazon.com/eeBoo-French-Flash-Cards/dp/B07F6XHY4F/ref=sr_1_1?crid=20BV1MLBLB4VO&keywords=flash+cards+food+french&qid=1651076668&sprefix=flashcards+food+french%2Caps%2C81&sr=8-1

I've even made Powerpoint slides and posted them on walls for new speakers of English.

Feel free to send me a personal message, if you need more ideas.

As TChamp said, people suffering from Dementia will revert back to their first language. Mom had an Italian lady in her NH. Her family owned a restaurant for years so she knew English but she only spoke Italian.

You need to give your Mom some time to adjust. I see nothing wrong with showing up sometime during the day but don't stay for long. Get her out in the Common area where there are other people. Let the staff do for Mom.

I would not bring her home. Stop feeling guilty about something you have no control over. You will enjoy her more if you're not doing the constant caring. France is not going to happen. That is not your fault. Your Mom is 98! The mind and body have to give out at some point. Look at the years you had together.

This is an additional note about my comparison of the brain damage caused by dementia with peeling an onion from the outside in. Recent memory is the outermost layer, therefore, it's the first to go. The memory occupies all the layers of the onion, from the most recent to the earlier and oldest life experiences, always in the direction from the outside in. People with dementia may lose all the memory related to their adult life, but have vivid recollections of their childhood experiences. Practically at the end, they have reached the mental state of a new born baby, in which only basic instincts remain. They become totally helpless, can't eat on their own, and are bowel and bladder incontinent. They have completed a reverse journey of their lives. From that point, they are ready to return to wherever they came from.

Mkaposch1: This is so difficult, but you have a great heart. Don’t give up trying to help your mom.

I am caring for my bride of 31 years. The day she goes to Memory Care will be the hardest day of my life. But once I place her I know bringing her home would be a very unwise choice. I would suggest you not bring your mom home. It will make your life even tougher for both of you.

I’m sure you visit with the neurologist but you may ask him/her if meds need to be adjusted. Care for one living with this wretched disease is nothing short of an arduous journey. It is a moving target. Therefore meds need frequent adjustments.

Besides Seroquel there is Trazodone, Memantine, and a host of other pharmaceuticals that can help calm your mom. When my wife gets too agitated, which is rarely, I have to administer Haldol.

I hated using meds. I felt guilty for doing so. But at times it is the only way possible to get her to a place of rest and peacefulness. And I don’t mean for me, but for her as well. No one wants to live in torment and fear as your mom does when she needs changing. It’s scary to her. So meds can definitely help.

One more thing. If you or your mother can afford it, consider having a caregiver from an outside agency come to spend a few hours a day with your mom. Maybe you can ask agencies if anyone speaks French. If someone visits her daily at the MC facility she would get used to them and maybe they could help change her when necessary.

Praying for wisdom and peace for you!

I wonder if some simple French songs, children's songs or the like, played softly might be helpful. Or language tapes with simple French phrases, just some familiar background noise for her in her room might be soothing. If they have a tv in her room someone might be able to channel French childrens' shows, soothing, and very young, for her. Sort of a French Mr. Roberts if there is such a thing. We have a big country next door with a huge French population, although truth is the people from France might not recognize that French, you might want European French shows. I bet You Tube has them and some tech oriented high school kid could probably put it on her room tv in a heart beat. Just a random thought. Experimenting can be helpful.

The behaviors that you describe are common with people who have dementia, such as losing the ability to remember speech, aggressiveness, wanting to go "home" which is symbolic and means wanting to go back to a time when she was independent and could do things for herself. She will go through phases, and her memory and physical condition may decline further. Unless you are prepared to learn alot about dementia, spend 24/7 caring for her, and hiring aides to help, it would not be advisable to bring her to your house. Speak to the management staff at her facility about the issues you are noticing. In general, they are experts (except for the nurse you reported) and can tell you what to expect and how they handle different behaviors. Some facilities have support groups where family members of residents can share questions and experiences. My mother who also had advanced dementia "forgot" how to walk eventually and had to be tranported by wheel chair everywhere. Even though she was small and only weighed 90 lbs, it took two aides to lift her from the bed to the wheel chair safely. Eventually she also forgot how to speak and how to feed herself and had to be fed. In time, your mother should get used to the staff there and will allow them to change her, bathe her, etc. without a fuss. Sometimes it's just a matter of leaving the room and waiting a few minutes, then coming back to do what needs to be done. Change is difficult for older people, especially people with dementia. It will take some time for her to be accustomed to her new surroundings and the staff and other residents. Not remembering English will make things more difficult for her. All the best to you both.

Just a wild thought here...
Contact the local High School or Community College. the department that teach languages might have a student or two that would love to practice their French.

As to your mom's agitation, can you talk to the director or the nurse and see if they can not medicate her prior to changing her? I can totally understand how frightened she must be after being forcibly changed. (thank goodness you witnessed this and reported it)

A person with dementia often goes back to speaking their native language even if they haven't spoken it in decades. I had a care client who came to the when she was a teenager. She spoke perfect English, no accent. As her dementia got worse she reverted back to speaking Italian. Her family was lucky to get an Italian-speaking caregiver. My client was living in her childhood. She was an orphan who grew up in a school/convent run by an order of Catholic nuns. She thought I was one of the sisters who took care of her. That was fine with me. Your mother wanting to go home could mean different things. She may want to "go home" to a different time in her life like childhood or youth. She could mean her home at your house. It won't make any difference where she's taken.
Do not take her back to live at your house. Please don't do it. You will be sorry you did. Stop visiting her every day too. In fact, don't visit her for a few weeks. She has to get acclimated to her new surroundings. She also has to get used to being taken care of by people who aren't you. As for the aide who 'got rough' with her when it was time for a diaper change, your mother is aggressive. In such a case the facility should have sent two aides to get it done. Or had one of the nurses on duty get up and go with the aide. The facility instead fires the aide for what was their mistake in the first place.
Let your mother get used to her new place and the new people caring for her. Don't visit for a while. Call her daily and request that a staff member communicate with you daily or every other day during the time you're not visiting to keep you updated. Give it while. Your mother will adapt.

The language issue is not uncommon with people with dementia. A friend of mine said the same about his mother whose first language was Chinese. When she was in her late stage, she could only speak Chinese.