Sudden or gradual dementia possibly linked with grief? Anyone experience this with a parent and is it reversible?

First off, this isn't your fault.

If she wasnt taken to the ER, she'd still be home, falling and confused.

Strokes don't always show up "at first". When we had a neuropsych eval for my mom, they discovered an "old stroke" even though she'd had CAT scans on admission several times during earlier periods of confusion.

I think you need to follow up with a qualified neurologist and perhaps a neuropsychologist to determine exactly what is going on in her brain.

I think JoAnn hit the nail on the head. This isn't 'sudden' behavioral change, it is probably been coming on for a long time.

With dad there, he could have staved off some falls, spoken up for her, when she was struggling with words, kept the place cleaner, basically made her look 'independent' when she was anything but.

Her brain is aging out. It's not a nice way to say it, but I see it both my mother and my MIL. MIL is MUCH MUCH worse than mom, but both are 'ditzy' (not a nice word, but very descriptive) and make odd choices and comments. MIL lives alone and has for 30 years. She had a fall-UTI-ER stay and then 12 weeks in a rehab, coming home just before COVID. We then noticed how bad she was. One more fall and DH will have to invoke POA and have her placed, very much against her wishes.

Mother just very slowly is mentally slipping away. YB covers for her, but if you talk to her longer than 15 minutes, she's exhausted from trying to look "OK". She will age in place, no matter how much care is required.
I think this is a dynamic that is repeated over and over in our elderly who have a 'gatekeeper'.

Do you think that Dad may have covered up the early signs? He enabled her. This is not unusual and people suffering from Dementia in the early stages are aware there is something wrong and are able to "Showtime" for a time when people are around. There are a number of members that move a parent in when another parent passes only to find that the parent is worse than they thought and they can't handle it.

If Mom was showing signs of a Dementia prior to Dads death, yes any change can make it worse. Being out of their comfort zone too. The hospital stay doesn't help and rehab doesn't help. The strangeness and the isolation. PT and OT are only a couple of times a day. The rest of the time the patient is on their own. If she hasn't been evaluated by a neurologist that would be the next thing I suggest. Dementia does not happen overnight. Its gradual where u really don't see the early signs.

I just looked at the MOCA test. It's much more difficult than the MMSE assessment. But remember, it is only one tool in the diagnosis of dementia and it has no value in determining the cause of the symptoms. Dementia refers to symptoms, it is not a disease. Depression can be linked to grief. It can be a complication of grief. Depression and grief can be hard to differentiate.

But what concerns me is her very low score on the MOCA test which implies dementia. It needs to be followed up on by a neurologist or, preferably, a neuropsychologist to determine the cause. And yes, some dementias are reversible but I wouldn't get your hopes up. I agree with the doc about finding a care facility for your mom now. My wife was a school principal and I know the stresses that come with the job. Being a dementia caregiver and a school principal are not compatible vocations.

So many people experience guilt or regret after doing something that was, in fact, the proper thing to do. What would you have done otherwise? Her fall could have resulted in a brain bleed. Your response was the correct one.

Part of your concern is her being “sentenced to life in a facility”. I know that that's your perception but it needn't be. Life in a person-centered care facility (MC or NF w/ an MC wing) can mean appropriate loving care as the disease progresses by a staff who better understands her disease. It can mean being able to concentrate at being a principal, and a more normal family life.

Some dementias (Lewy's for instance) are up, down and all over the place. It is also one that affects balance a lot, and swallow. This sounds like a rapid descent, and yes, it can happen for any reason, or without reason. It is almost certainly mixed with depression and anxiety, and it is difficult to comb out what is causing what. As you said, you are all already grieving, and must now grieve this loss also, and be witness to it. I would cut out the other G. word, which is guilt. You aren't a felon or a demon that visit this on your Mom and get joy from seeing it. You are a good person suffering with being witness to it. Grief is indeed the proper word. The OT and PT people at the care facility should have excellent information for you on what they are seeing; please try to go to care plan conferences. Your Mom is likely now to be needing assisted living at the least. You have done everything you are able, including all the assessment. I am so sorry.

You CANNOT REPAIR “GUILT”. Moving from one place to another is NOT being “sentenced”.

Decisions mad with LOVE are always “better”, EVEN if they are not decisions that can make everyone happy.

My story? I called my mom, age 85, every day at about the same time, and one day when I called her, I immediately realized that she was having significant difficulty speaking, a primary symptom of stroke. I WAS AT THE TIME A PRACTICING SPEECH THERAPIST. I didn’t question her about what I was hearing EVEN THOUGH I KNEW she’d had a stroke, and didn’t call her u til the next morning, when after a whole lot of cajoling, MY HUSBAND got her to get into our car and we took her to the hospital.

She’d had a left hemisphere hemorrhagic stroke (VERY SERIOUS). By her second day in the hospital, I was able to determine that her cognitive skills were intact, although her ability to express herself was definitely diminished.

By her third day in the hospital she was telling her neurologist that she wanted to go home, and he allowed it. I stayed with her for a week, and she threw me out. Subsequently she lived by herself for 4 more years, before falling and breaking her hip, at which time she was diagnosed with dementia.

After over 5 happy years in a very good local nursing facility, she died at EXACTLY 95 years of age.

You are reaching out much too far. Request that a comprehensive cognitive assessment be done while she’s at the rehab facility. See what the prognosis from it is. After observation and formal assessment, the OT and cognitive assessments will give you a better sense of what she needs than she has now.

Going back, I am SO GRATEFUL that I didn’t bother with guilt after making the HUGE MISTAKE that could have killed my mother. The experience taught me to stay in the moment and do the very best I could for her and love her to pieces and ALSO, to establish the best balance I could between taking care of her and taking care of myself (only child).

Remember, if your concerns are her safety and best care possible, and you’re deciding out of love for her, you are entitled to be at peace with what you’re doing.

URGENT CARE. If a Patient is elder, and a bit more delicate,, urgent care will say they need to go to ER.

An ER doctor told me: "Everytime she comes into the Hospital, I little bit of "her" will be gone. In otherwords, your loved one is more fragile. The more visits to the ER, is proof that your LO is getting more fragile, physically and mentally..
and THIS IS HER NEW NORM. She Will Heal, but she will not be 100% as she was prior to this visit. This is Her New Starting Point.
This is what we need to remember... This is the New Starting Point... Now.. until she has something else that is going to land her in the hospital again..
That was difficult to hear, but it gave me perspective as to what to expect from here on..
Take a deep breath, and breathe, and know you are doing you best, and just follow your instincts, and do the best you can...
Look for a 6 pack near you... a single family home with 2 caretakers and 6 residents. Usually they have a permanent wheel chair ramp to the front door.
ask social workers, in home care facilities near you. local hospitals or salvation army, or anyone else you know who is going through this.
It is not your fault.... As FIL said, these bodies are not made to last forever.

Two sad stories come to mind but I am sure there are happy ones out there too!

Work colleague's Father died very suddenly. Mother had an instant breakdown, massive confusion which somewhat lessened but couldn't ever remember he had passed away. Sudden DX of adv dementia did not make sense. Scans rules out strokes. Family had noticed mild signs - they concluded Father had been covering up very well for a long while. That lady stayed so confused, fell, broke one hip, then the other, died before NH paperwork was even signed. No medical reason found for the confusion, just appeared to be massive grief. So sad to lose both parents together but in the end, less suffering for the Mother.

The other was another Father passing suddenly, very traumatic. The Mother already had depression, which worsened. Then confusion, falls, balance issues. Brain tumour found (aggressive type) & quick passing resulted.

Ensure all the usual culprits for confusion are ruled out, TIA/stroke, UTI, other infections, kidney, liver function, dehydration, malnutrition. Have hope she will improve but make realistic plans for longer term care as needed. (((Hugs))) to you for this hard time.

Dementia is not reversible. There is no cure. There are meds that can help the progression but after a period of time they don't help. There are so many different types. What a neurologist will do is determine what type so that they know what type she has. Then he will know what meds can be used to help with symptoms. But thats all the meds will do is help. They won't stop it in its tracks.

The only time that Dementia type symptoms may go away is if there is a physical cause for them. Undiagnosed diabetes, kidney desease, low potassium, thyroid, maybe even a medication. A UTI will cause Dementia type symptoms. Once these problems are cared for, those symptoms will go away.

I don't know why you feel guilty. Your Moms Dementia was not caused by something you did. She needed to find out what is causing her falls. Let her go to rehab. They maybe able to determine the cause of her falling. She may have neuropathy in her ankles and feet. Diabetics suffer from this. No, there is no cure. Its nerve damage. OT/PT will strengthen her after being in a hospital but it will not cure the Dementia. Dementia is neurological not physical.

Once in rehab you can determine the next step. You need to see how she progresses. If its determined 24/7 care is needed then decisions will need to be made. The Social Worker can help you with a Medicaid application but don't fully depend on the SW to follow thru. In my state u have 90s from applying to get Medicaid all the info needed to process her application and spend down her money to the income cap they allow. If not done in that time frame you start all over.

"Remember, if your concerns are her safety and best care possible, and you’re deciding out of love for her, you are entitled to be at peace with what you’re doing." That person who wrote this is correct. We are human, and we do what we think is best for our LO's. You Are Okay.


as my FIL said,,,,"These bodies are not made to last".. So Death is the part of Life we don't like to focus on. I remember seeing a question on the forum.. This person was afraid of Death and/or dying. I didn't want to respond.. I think I will be brave at the end, and them maybe I will have ALZ.. I don't know.

All I know, if my kid is not with me *even if she is wieth me) I am going to send her signals that I am around, and she will hear me laughing with her at her teasing her when she least expects it... :) for a month or so...
My dad did that to me.. My brother a little bit, and my mom when she said she was going. But If I need backup or help, one of my angels answers... and I feel a sense of calm..