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I just found out my 75 yrs old dad has terminal lung cancer. I have 4 siblings we all live in different states from our dad. My dad is mean and he can't do anything for himself. He is terrified of nursing homes. The doctor said he can do hospice at his home. Only one of my siblings is willing to help me with him, she suggested we take turns staying with him as she lives in Arizona I live in Indiana my dad lives in Michigan. He wants to stay in his own home. My husband of 4 yrs is upset and doesn't want me to move with my dad. He basically gave me an ultimatum him or my dad. Though my dad is very mean I still love him and it hurts me to think he has 5 children and only me and my youngest sister is willing to help him until the end. I feel my husband is being selfish. I am torn and confused. Please help

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Sherry, your first loyalty and responsibility is to your husband. He is not being selfish. Your desire to not let your dad pass without the care and presence of family members is understandable. But he will need 24-hr medical care...are you an RN? You've also said twice you're dad is "mean". He may only get worse as he gets sicker. This will take a bigger toll on you than you think. Many well-meaning people make heroic efforts to fulfill their loved one's unrealistic and unfair requests for care, as they themselves don't know what they are asking of their children, and the children have no idea what they are signing up for. It is also very expensive, even if you are living with him. Please read the forum for Caregiver Burnout.

Maybe there is a solution that is not perfect but will provide easier family presence during your dad's cancer journey? How sick is he right now? Can he still travel? Can he stay with you (with your husband's blessing of course)? You will still need to have outside medical help, This is your dad's expense and not yours. Please don't leave your husband to care for your dad. And don't drain your savings over this. Once you can move beyond your desire to move there to care for him talk to your other siblings again and they may have some better ideas. Soon others will post some very helpful thoughts and ideas.
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Please rethink this. Could there be any other solution than moving in with mean dad for an indefinite period of time (and if I may be terribly blunt, he may linger on for far longer than you imagine) and hurting your husband and endangering your marriage? Could there be other ways to help your father and express the love that you feel? Could the siblings saying no have a perspective you should consider?

This forum is full of anguished posts from adult children who have moved in with mean, abusive, etc. moms and dads to the point of damaging their own lives. It is sad. Take some time to reconsider this situation before you become one of them.
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kimmie9975 Jul 21, 2019
My mother broke her hip the end of March, she now needs help with everything. I am the only child and my relationship with my mother has always been distant, needless to say i live with her 5 days a week and pay some one for the other 2 days. She is very demanding and not great full. I also have my own family ( My children are grown) Mom wanted to come home so my husband said i will stay with her ( mean while i cry almost everyday) this is very hard, if i walk away she will be alone and never make it. Mom has no friends because she has always been nasty to people. She has sister's but only one of them see her and it is only 2 times a month. Every one tells me how sorry they feel for me, i just do not know what to do
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Are your siblings not willing to help or just not willing to provide hands on care for your father? Could the five of you pool your financial resources to support in home hospice? Maybe the plan would include your father entering a hospice facility when the time comes? Maybe your husband could better tolerate you spending a few days each month visiting your father than being gone half the time for direct care giving. You need to find some compromise to support your father through his last months without destroying your own life.
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I am sorry about your father. Your husband is right, your father needs to be in a home, where he can be properly cared for. Your father will get over his being terrified, it is a manipulation tactic. Your husband is not being selfish, he is using good common sense.
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Don’t do it. Your husband is not selfish....please read thru the many postings of children who sacrificed to help and literally lost everything. It’s sad your dad is terrified of nursing homes, but he will get over that. Do not give up your life.....
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I will never understand those who are so willing to give up their own lives to care for people who are not deserving of their care. I can only think that "mean" parents train their children well, train them to always believe that they may eventually do "something right" and something "deserving of their love". Why would you want to martyr yourself for someone cruel? I truly do not understand. And trust me, there is very little chance that you will ever hear the words "good girl" no matter what you give up, even your own husband. I am very sorry both for your father and for what he is going through, but I am sorrier that you will sacrifice yourself as well. I would leave it to your father's own finances, his ability to have the help of state and federal for his care, and, if you choose to, send lovely notes and visits.
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DollyMe Jul 21, 2019
Truth well spoken. My mother is an abuser, has been all her life. I finally had enough, it was either her or me, I chose me. When at Christmas Eve, 8 years ago, she told me and my brother that we were both useless and should go F ourselves, that was it for me. Whatever happens to her, happens.
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A care giver, hospice, or nursing home would better than you moving in with him, considering your situation. Phone calls, lengthy emails, and very short visits from you and your helpful sister will be so much less disruptive to your lives and maybe even better for him. If he is mean now, he will likely continue that behavior. In his own house he is the boss and you would have so little control over your own life. This is a very sad thing to happen. Take care.
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