How do I report abuse of mother-in-law and stay anonymous?

I have questions. Is it only SIL caring for MIL? Is someone there helping SIL? Does someone help to give her time off from MIL? How many family members are there, and how many is actually physically there helping SIL with MIL? And I don't mean you all's "visit" where MIL is very nice to you all because you are "visitors"? If only SIL is caring for MIL - literally - then SIL could be going thru deep depression where she no longer cares about anything or anyone. Maybe it's time for the rest of the family to step up and help.

Father physically abused mom out of stress and resentment. I stayed home to help defuse it - even got hit several times. I resented that my 7 siblings were able to live their own lives and I didn't. No one even offered to take over so that I can take a week or 2 trip. Only recently, the past 2 or 3 years, father and I finally gave up asking my siblings for help. It kind of gets monotonous and as if we're begging (and not getting help) after asking for it for 20 years. We just did what we needed to do until father had his stroke, bedridden. And still no help from siblings. I now pay my oldest sis to watch our father Monday-Fridays.

And I will be truthful. Mom would have had bedsores if it weren't for the gov't caregivers coming here 4 times a week to sponge bathe her - since the time she was diagnosed (23 years)- we had their services of 15 years. I only did it ONE time with father's help. Do you know how difficult it is to sponge bathe her and to do this every day? Our idea of sponge bathing is putting body wash on her and literally pouring water over her to rinse it out - every day? We had mom sponge bathe for those 15 years only on the weekdays with the paid govt caregivers. As for Turning her, we did it every 4 hours. We did put pillow under her knees. And an air mattress. Mom only had 1 bedsore in which the hole was sinking in - when she spent 1 month in the hospital. She came home with that bedsore on her left butt, and very angry red butt and front area. She flinched even when water touched her skin.

HOWEVER because your MIL has diabetes and bedsores on her legs, you need to get her to the clinic/hospital ASAP. Sores on the legs are not good for diabetics. She can lose her legs. You can call in Adult Protective Services but I hope you all did your best to help out first before this situation got where it is now.

P.S. I understand that as a SIL to the family, you don't want to rock the boat. Go with what's in your heart but be prepared for the fall outs. You're stuck between the rock and a hard place.

Notifying social services etc does not in any way guarantee the agencies will do the right thing let alone do their job correctly. My experiences have largely been with NH; the ombudsman support is a joke...the ombuds sat there while the NH told me I had to adhere to visiting hours which end at 8p.m. The CA law states family members do not have to abide by this law and it goes on and on. Everything is a struggle or a fight at the NH. I could write a book but I wont as I would rather focus my energy on mom.
In America, yes indeed, mom was placed in a wheelchair; chair pushed up against a wall, a table pushed up against the wheel chair in the front. When mom learned to push the table away they laughed when they found a solution; two tables were pushed in front of the front part of the wheel chair. These were mandated reporters do this; either they are stupid and do not understand the law (which is possible because they have proven themselves stupid) or they feel entitled to ignore the law. I hear you fedupnow.

I have not had the "good" input from outside services that many of you experience. When my MIL went to the hospital for MRSA, she was sent home after 3 days instead of to rehab because they thought she didn't have paperwork. Paperwork is their excuse for any sloppy mistakes because they didn't send her paperwork which would have proved she had insurance and also qualified for rehab care. She needed wound care under sterile technique twice a day, along with keeping her clothes separate to wash and all dishes separate from ours. My husband was immuno compromised from his kidney transplant so he was at high risk for infection from her and she would try to kick me in the chest when we both tried to change her dressings. Enter Hurricane Sandy. The day after she came home, with at-home nursing care for bathing and dressing changes, we had no lights, no power, no heat, no phone, no way to call the hospital. The police couldn't get in touch with the hospital. It was a nightmare with a combative dementia patient! I flagged down a copy car on our street helping someone else and begged for some kind of supplies. I took the bare minimum because I knew he had other people who needed care, too. After twelve days of this hell, she was readmitted to the hospital with fluid on her heart complaining of chest pains and kept there until she went to rehab for a month. At rehab they refused to let her use her walker and tried to keep a 98 year old woman on an exercise bicycle for half an hour. They discharged her for no improvement and sedated her during the day and tied her to her wheelchair.
Now she fills her diaper instead of using the bathroom and can't walk without falling unless we hold her up. She had 200 mg. Seraquel while there which made her worse; she had been on 50 mg. at home. When they came to do an intake assessment of our care at the beginning of all this, all we got were half-assed explanations that they didn't have their paperwork and they had 5 days to receive it. Unfortunately, they had sent her home after 3 days. This bollygon of bullshit continued throughout her stay in rehab and we were told it would takes six months to get her into any elder care babysitting programs during the day. A booze cruise with two bozos in a boat--the intake social worker and the patient. My daughter is a social worker and this is not unusual. Don't kid yourself. Anytime they can stick you with caregiving far and beyond your abilities or endurance, they will do so. Been there, done that. Still taking care of her better than they ever did.

I t just not like that any move
my name is marqus and I'm a Epileiic but I was marriage for 12 years and when I got sick me wife 3 kids made fun of me and beast me up , but if you go to the police all what they will tell you "are you ok now" !
Why ?
you will have
1) their Mother !
2) One of the daughter !
3) their mother son !
4) their mother other daughter !
5) the daughter boy friend
5 people and then you ! I their the Police need to to back to school and read up on people who hit their Mum & dad ?
I has a heart attack and her 3 kids has me in a room and would not let me out until the 4 th day \now you tell me
all what I can tell you is my x wife grandson went awol ther son has 4 DUI, your daughter have not work for 20 some years and as long as I knew her daughter she work 6 month, & thaay all all what she do is Call her Mother up and cry over the phone & tell her Moyher she cannot walk
and the is the Bloudly truth
if I miss spell for gave me as I has a heart attack and my wife & 3 of her kids has me in a room for 4 day

God Bless you if you have a heart attack
if you have a life in. call your friend and have him or her call on you.
Thank you for your time,

Why do you want to be anonymous?

Bed sores don't lie, they mean abuse just like any other marks,
The MIL or other persons can sometimes not make that call
because crime in their eyes is committed by strange people, not their family members.

Reporting the person or going to court will remove that person from
the act of care giving itself and places the parent in an incompetency, if that person is the only person taking care of that person and preventing them from going to a nursing home, they may feel they have to put up or shut up with it, with our 86 year old;s mind does not comprehend or cannot comprehend what was done to her and still must go on visits...but they can never keep her, again.

but... if your mother-in-law wont say that she is a victim, then the social agency wont do a thing. I have this situation with my step father. The police found enough physical and financial facts to send a case to the prosecutors office but the prosecutors office wont do anything because my stepfather wont say he is a victim. Good luck

I just had to deal with Adult Protective Services over false claims my brother made re abuse. After everything I went through, I truly believe if you don't have the guts to report it and be open about it, your true intentions are questionable.

Thank you for the two suggestions for lifts. My husband has had 12 abdominal surgeries in seven years and I have survived a dead tree falling on my car while I was driving 2 years ago with resulting 4 crushed spinal disks and one fractured so between the two of us, we can just about lift her when she gets out of bed or loses her balance when making a right hand turn. She refused PT when she had two strokes years ago so now when she turns with her walker, she loses her balance. She doesn't make caretaking easy.

hoyer lift will also work wonders! I used one its simple as pie.

I don't think anyone is pointing the finger....bedsores say it all. APS will determine if abuse/negligence is occurring (not turning patient) or if the caregiver is adequately trained or receives adequate help...whatever the determination is it is clear that the caregiver is not doing well in their job...with multiple bedsores i wonder if the caregiver has sought treatment ...APS will establish this. People are pointing the finger at the existing bedsores which require attention now.

This is so sad. All states have an elder care agency. They will send in a nurse to do an "assessment" and go from there. They will ask for your name and phone number and your relationship to the elderly, but it's just so they can update you. It sounds to me like your sister in law could use some help. Even just a rest. After the assessment, they can reccommend a 5 to 10 day stay in an assisted living center. Often that gives the caregiver a much needed break.

We had hospice, me, and my 2 stepbrothers juggling caregiving for 2 parents with our own jobs and kids. It is soooo hard. Yet what can you do? Our parents deserve the very best possible. And then there's the other set of parents.... Thankfully with sites like this one, there is more help out there for caregivers than ever before! Thank you all for your insight and support.

Your local department of aging protective services for Elder abuse. Some unfortunate idiot turned me in one time and of course there was not an issue. But I didn't find out until after they visited my dad and told me everything was good. When I asked who turned me in they never would not tell me at all. I know who did it but was never told that by protective services.

I read this and am surprised how many comments started talking about nursing homes. Does she live with and cook for her mom in a NH ? My first thought was talk. don't people say anything ? Truth needs a picture ? and a sister in-law, sister in-law.
cheap shot at who's in need, too bad this elder mother doesn't have more choices than these two. " How can I do this without anyone knowing ? whats that REALLY about.

But FedUpNow, an investigation is just that. The agency will investigate to see if the allegations are in fact true. Remember, no one is guilty until PROVEN guilty. None of us want to see abuse, if in fact it is. I would also like to suggest you get a belt put around your 110 lb. mother-in-law to help with lifting. It is known as a "gait belt" with a releasable buckle we use in nursing homes and hospitals. When patient is uncooperative, wait until they calm down or suggest to their doctor to give her a med to control the outbursts. Good luck!

Ferris1 - Your point about being turned every two hours is important but what does this patient weigh? My MIL is still ambulatory at 110 lbs but if she falls, she is a two-person lift. Fortunately, I have help in that area. Perhaps someone coming in to assist moving the MIL is needed, especially if she is heavier or uncooperative (i.. kicking the caregiver) when she tries to move her.

Since we don't know which state you live in, you can call your local elder abuse hotline (in Washington state, it's called Adult Protective Services). Here's a good, trustworthy website you can use to search your area: www.eldercare.gov

PS Certainly call the abuse hotline but be prepared to hear a defense from the caregiver IF she truly has one. I have never been reported but if I am, my MILs doctors have a long history of documented bruises, teeth knocked out, knee injuries on ME that she has inflicted. If not for me, my MIL would not have lived so long. I even got her through MRSA. She will be 98 in October. And she ISN'T getting any better!

Notice how quickly all on here but me have decided this caregiver is guilty? What if YOU are the caregiver and what if YOU are being unfairly accused. Is there no one willing to take a calmer look to ascertain what is going on? My MIL hits ME and then she tells everyone I hit HER. I went to a therapist who advised to take photos of my bruises and date those photos and report those to her doctor. I take care of a an abusive, combative dementia MIL who, so far, is living the good life while I am living in hell. NO ONE ELSE helps either. So, before you point the finger, make sure you are headed in the right direction.

As a nurse and former Child Protective Services case mgr., all reports remain anonymous so go ahead and report her. Not eating with diabetes is very dangerous as well as bed sores. That tells me the patient is not being turned every two hours while in bed, and their skin integrity is compromised due to lack of nutrition. Do it ASAP!

Heres a link for a national list of omsbudsman agencies.
http://www.ltcombudsman.org/ombudsman
Contact the one in your state. The information you give remains anonymous. They will investigate and maintain follow up at no cost. They are an advocate for senior's particularly in longterm care environments. YOU MUST report this. Elder abuse is the worse. Please report

document
photograph
ask a witness to assist
make the necessary calls
hire a qualified, caring, dependable, responsible agency to assist
prevent further abuses is a worthy use of energy
bravo for asking for help

Abuse has to be reported immediately. No one should be abused and it can't go on. Have you also thought of cooking meals two or three times a week and bringing them to your sister-in-law so she can eat a meal she doesn't have to prepare? She may be overwhelmed. Bed sores may be part of the diabetic condition--I don't know. I'm not a doctor. If your sister-in-law is doing ALL the care then the rest of the family needs to step up and do MORE than just report her. IF there is abuse, she needs to be reported but IF all people can do is report her but not help, then YOU need a heads up, too!

We turned iN my SIL for Elderabuse. Elderabuse hotlines are state run, not Federal, and there are variations in procedure from State to State. Do your research before making the call. Rfhenricks is correct that you need to document as much as you can before you send in the troops.
Regarding anonymity: I don't know your family situation however, it is nearly impossible to remain anonymous if you are reporting a family member. The family will find you out unless the fam is so large that you can't keep track of each other.
Please don't let that stop you from doing the right thing. But it helps to be prepared for the consequences of standing of for what is right.
My SIL is no longer part of the family, but we don't need a self serving leech who abused her Mom. It was tough to turn her in though.

Why would you want to be anoymous. You are doing the right thing and scream loud and clear. If you stay meak and mild you'll get over run. Is it worth being even involved with an abuser. I wouldn't give a flying you know what if she found out. I'd be loud and screaming in her face letting her know you are on to her. First and formost is the protection of your loved one period. You have to report her to the Adult Abuse Agency in your state.

in the case of the nursing home the cell phone camera technique is too too obvious as it might be i MIL's home.

I echo Donna RN, take pictures, everybody has a cellphone with camera action these days, but I would not wait any longer, call the hotline, senior abuse, your state, you have access to a computer, the number will pop right up.

A social worker from the agency comes out and does an investigation, if the sores are bad and you should say that they are, that will get their attention right away, and they will be out, within a few days.

sorry i used DIL in a post and meant sil...

If mother in law can be recorded about her pain for example; is MIL aware of all of her sores? If so, a recorded document from MIL would be great in an effort to protect her...sounds like she needs immediate medical care for the bed sores...this could be a case where adultprotective services visits quickly but i don't know, does aps look at peoples bodies? I don't think they do. Hence, please lots of pictures if you can acquire them. It may be time for a private visit with camera in toe to your MIL. You might hidden nanny cams..i saw one that was a baseballl hat so you could where the hat when visiting and record at the same time. no one would ever know with this hat...its on my list of "wishes"

in the case of a skilled nursing facility; the facility can put 2 and 2 together even if a state report is kept anonymous. The DIL might also be able to do so depending on how many visitors MIL receives; she can deduce who made the report...just be prepared. if she is able to figure out you were the reporter she is likely to retaliate by interfereing with your visits etc etc...yes its against the law but NH get away with it all the time. i am living the retaliation right now. Therefore pictures are extremely helpful...how is she treating MIL's bedsores? that's awful and you must report as they can be deadly and painful. if there are multiple bed sores that is even worse!!!!