What do you do when your parent is refusing help? - AgingCare.com

What do you do when your parent is refusing help?

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My dad is 88 & came to live with us after suffering a stroke. The stroke was caused by a fall in his home. He was frail, thin & in a wheelchair when he came to live with us. He is now walking with a cane, has gained 4 pounds & is much stronger & in better health. Dad has Alzheimer's & dementia, but reads the paper every day & loves to socialize. We take him everywhere with us, Farmer's Market, out to eat, garage sales, etc. Dad has thrived living with us. Dad has toured 6 assisted living homes & does not like any of them. He can afford private pay but does not want to spend the money. Dad has the option of staying with us (he has his own bedroom & bath), living in a home near my sister or assisted living. He is adamant he wants to move back to his home which is 50 miles away. It's a small town with limited resources. I want to hire in home care to prepare meals, run errands, take him to the dr, give him his meds, bathe him & do housework. He is refusing this too. My own health is declining & we will not be able to visit him but 2-4 x a month. I have POA, but my sister is involved. Short of restraining him & listening to his verbal abuse, what else can we do? I've arranged for his home to be cleaned & some steps repaired prior to his moving back home.

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My mom, 89, is in similar situation. She is determined to stay in her home but over the last 8 months, she has delusional thoughts, hallucinates and is forgetful -- increasingly. She has no close neighbors, friends, family who have any contact with her anymore. I live 5 hours away and work full time in a travel job. I see her about every 8 wks and call her weekly. Sometimes she is very confused and sounds weak; other days she is lucid and seems fine. I believe she is not cooking, cleaning or eating meals regularly. I am taking her to her Dr. for annual checkup this week. I have sent Dr. advanced letter outlining her behavior the last 8 months (hope he reads it before the appt) -- as I know when he is examining her she will rise to the occassion and tell him she is fine. She refuses any help from outside -- cleaning, meals on wheels, etc. -- she trusts no one and says she won't let them in so don't bother. I want her to move to Asst Liv but she is adamantly refusing even though we have visited several facilities. At the very least, I want to set up in-home care a few days a week and/or meals on wheels. Should I just do it anyway? Will the Dr. help convince her? She is still driving although for short distances but she must because she goes to bank, pharmacy and grocery -- neighbors and friends no longer help because she has been hateful and short with them -- telling them she will let them know when she needs their help. I'm waiting for something to happen to her and then she goes from hospital to rehab directly to asst care where they won't let her go back to her home. But I don't like the constant worry. I wish you luck. Maybe you can get him to pay for in-home care (at his residence) or agree to allow 3-4 days a week for care to come in your house to attend to his daily care needs and take some of the pressure off you.
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Good idea for you to have control of dad's money. Spend it to help you to help him. If he has problems with spending let him think good people (from church?) are helping. But he is doing so well with you I hope you can keep him. It may not be very long. Good luck.
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It sounds as if Dad just wants back his independence. A person who has dementia is often not aware of the consequences of their decisions. Since we all know that moving back home is dangerous for him and not in his best interest (especially since he will refuse home health aides) and he wont accept that- trying to convince him otherwise, is going to be futile. Having a Doc say that he has dementia and can not live alone will only further irritate and cause unnecessary outbursts. Since Dad is thriving in your home ( and if you still can manage him there) get the Doc to be on Dads side by saying," that since he is recovering quicker than expected and at the rate he's going he should be able to go home in a few more months". In Dad's case he can also add that when he gains (10 or 15lbs) he'll be ready to go home. Have him think of your place as a convalescence home- until he can "get back on his feet" so to speak. This way you can become Dads allie in his recovery and start talking about when he can go home. Since dementia is progressive and memories will fade- this will buy you time and should reduce the conflict.
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Key points given include getting the Doc to back up your decision to place her in Assisted Living. And get your sibling to agree, on paper, with the decision.
Actually, since you have POA, you can do it, with the Doc's backing, and YOUR Doc's backing--since your Doc knows about your health needs, and that your caretaking is not helping you.
IF your sibling dislikes the move to Assited Living, they can come move the Elder into their own home.
Moving back into his own home is out of the question, since he is unsafe on his own.
If things work in ways that he ends up back in his own home, you can resort to 911 Welfare check requests, letting the police know he demanded to go back to his house, though he is demented/AD, and you are worried for his safety.
The reason you had to let him go was your own fragle health, and you could not withstand his angry outbursts.
He is trying to reassert his lost independence.
It cannot be done.
By letting him return to his home alone, might be seen as "Elder neglect" or something.
In what ways is your sister involved with the POA?
Is she joint in all respects, or only for certain things?
If you put the plan in writing, and had documents/letters from Docs backing it up, would she sign an agreement for moving him to a facility?
[Especially if a mediator were present]?
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My mother is 74 and we just moved her into Assisted Living on Saturday. She was against it from the beginning - she was mean, rude and adamant that she was not going. She too has dementia, is frail and has numerous health issues. The Dr's told her she could not be alone. When we took her to her room she loved it! She could not believe it was so nice! We thought we would have to drag her kicking and screaming! She even apologized for being so mean to us about it! :-) In short, make the decision - back up with Dr's approval's and apply to live there. You have POA (as do I), when the day comes - the worst that can happen is that he will fight you and not go! I is a very stressful decision. In our case - having moved mother's things in - she loved it! Good luck and lots of hugs!
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You can try enlisting the help of his doctor (if he has a good relationship with him or her). Bottom line though, you and your sister have to agree on your position and stand your ground. Protect your health and your marriage first. His dementia will only get worse. If he is already making bad decisions which could affect his safety or the safety of others (I'm assuming he isn't driving), you have to take over the decision-making. This isn't easy, but it is necessary. Your Dad is fortunate to have the resources to have so many great options and two daughters willing to help him. Many elderly do not.
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