On the fence about how to handle Mom's move into Memory Care, do I go? - AgingCare.com

On the fence about how to handle Mom's move into Memory Care, do I go?

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Quick synopsis: stepdad passed away late April from CHF, have been sole caregiver of Mom who has dementia since then. Moved her back home several states away from their home. I originally thought I could care for her at home with caregivers, but within two weeks realized that I was asking my hubby and kids to sacrifice too much, it's one thing for me to give up most of my former life, but not right for me to expect them to do it. So, I have been secretly getting a room ready for my mother at a very nice memory care only facility that is five minutes up the road. At the end of this week, we fly out of town to bury stepdad, and upon our return my Mom is to go straight to her room at the memory care, my stepmom was going to go with her and I was going to pretend to have a business trip. That was all planned back when Mom was being pissy and angry, but for almost three weeks now she's been quiet and agreeable, so I am rethinking not going with her. She will most likely be very unhappy, at least at first. She hated the AL place they had moved into previously, saying it was like a prison, and everyone there was so old! I'm wondering if going with her will reassure her, or just make it worse? What has been your experience???

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I'm sure she is frightened, she spent most of her life being high strung...
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Babalou & mica, her primary doc added an antidepressant called citalopram and right at that same time, her anger subsided...and he prescribed one for as needed, but it's just an antihistamine, like Benadryl....to make her sleepy I guess. Any other Meds must interact with the six she is already on.
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is she on any calming meds now?
meds helped my mom not be nasty which is actually
the way they express fear with Alzheimers.
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She needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist, who may be able to prescribe some meds for the move.

"Mom, the doctors say you need to be here until you get stronger. It's out of my hands"
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Thanks freqflyer, not sure if Mom is heartbroken as much as she feels lost. She depended on my stepdad, he was the one who was her main caregiver, even though she would get angry at being "bossed" around, she keeps saying to me, "what do I do now?"
Her whole world has been turned upside down.
he took care of her schedule, finances, everything...
I am now that person, and I want to try to preserve some harmony between us if possible, so I was going to blame the memory care place on the Doctor, saying that he prescribed "memory therapy" and this place was the place to go for that.
She will be unhappy....it's probably going to be ugly....
A few weeks ago she was yelling and angry and I told her that if she didn't stop being so angry and nasty towards me, she was going to have to go someplace where they could help her, and oh boy did she get even angrier, got right up in my face yelling at me. For a moment I thought she might even strike me.
She hasn't shown any of that behavior in several weeks, but I fear that's how it will go....
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JJGood, I read your profile and your Mom is only 76 years old, she must be heartbroken that her husband had passed on so soon, thus her emotions could be all over the board at this point in time. This isn't how she had planned her retirement. My heartfelt sympathy to your Mom, you and your family.

I would rather see you go with your Mom to the memory center, than your Step-Mom unless your Step-Mom and Mom had been very good friends over the years.
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