How to obtain evaluation when home situation borderline? - AgingCare.com

How to obtain evaluation when home situation borderline?

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We cannot afford to hire a live-in with my spouse's parent, nor would the parent accept such an arrangement. We do not have room nor emotional resources to take parent in. The parent has no one else but my spouse and one other child.
Between them, one takes care of washing clothes & transportation; one takes care of house repair & yard work. The parent is in mid 90's, resistant to suggestions like getting a microwave, setting up a bedroom (as room available on first floor), using assistive devices when necessary, getting eye exams. Parent finally gave in to get Meals on Wheels. I've been reading lots of these posts. Where to draw the line in the sand before considering placement? And, how to go about getting an evaluation for placement? Must we wait for a hospitalization for an illness or a fall or other serious event?

Am writing because one of our kids visited this grandparent today & feels there are issues with vision. They spoke with my spouse, who is very concerned & asked me how one goes about having someone evaluated for home safety and placement.
Several things i need to share. 1st, parent is mentally competent. 2nd, the only other child has verbalized that any money to be inherited is "their money." This person has turned a deaf ear to any thoughts of Assisted Living or other arrangements for the parent. And 3rd, for all my spouse and I know, the other child could already have P.O.A. Why, do you ask? Because both the parent & the child have lied to my spouse (and we have documented proof) that the parent is giving sums of money to that child. They seem to keep other secrets as well from my spouse. The other child is controlling and the parent allows that control. My spouse is good hearted & continues to help the parent. 4th Within the last year, the doctor said parent was not a candidate for a nursing home. But the doctor does not know everything about the situation.
I just feel bad for my spouse & that's why I'm asking for input.
Please advise. Thank you.

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I agree with littletonway. Time for your hubby to step back. Let the controlling son take over all control and all tasks.

Parent is mentally competent. Even if a care center or in-home help would be best, it cannot be forced upon a competent adult. Doesn't matter who has POA, it can't be forced.

Continue a cordial, loving relationship with Parent. Stop trying to run Parent's life or convince the other son of what is best. Just take parent out to lunch once in a while, drop in with an apple pie, call to chat about a sports score. Encourage grandchildren to continue to visit.

Encourage you husband to realize that he cannot "fix" his parent's life, to accept what he can't control, and to back away from attempts at caregiving.

And as Pam points out, worrying about who inherits what is probably pointless. Most elders go through their own money if they live long enough.
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The only problem I see here is a big one. You are the in-law, well intended but powerless. Grandma should be in assisted living, but can't be forced to move. Neither of her children will do this until she falls, ends up in the hospital and the MD says she can't be alone anymore. Once the NH bills roll in, there will be no inheritance to worry about. So you bite your lip and you stay out of it because you are not her child. Unsettling, I know, I walked that mile.
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Secrets are always a sign something is amiss. It could be time for your good hearted husband to step back and just let the controlling sibling be in total control of parent's care. You and your family can visit all you want. I would suggest an open and honest family meeting to get all the cards on the table. Any big surprises should happen now not after your MIL passes.
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You don't need a Dr.'s ok to place someone in a nursing home.

Go on some tours at some facilities, see which one you think would suit your loved one best and put your name on the list (most of them have waiting lists). The director can probably give you an estimate of when a bed will be available.

In the meantime, if your loved one has a fall or gets sick or otherwise needs to go to the ER this is your way in to a facility without having to wait. Once in the hospital get in touch with the social worker (ask the nurse to see social services) and let the social worker know that you can't take your loved one home with you. Social workers can always find a bed in a nursing home. When we did this with my dad they found him a bed in a facility about 20 minutes from home. But the social worker gave me 3 options of where I wanted him to go.

Because this other sibling may have POA doesn't give him/her the right to get money from your MIL. POA has nothing to do with shaking mom down for money. POA is only effective if your MIL is incompetent or otherwise unable to handle her finances.

Find out who has POA. There's no need for it to be such a big secret and if the other sibling has it and is trying to keep it a secret then definitely find out why because that's suspicious. But as long as your MIL is competent she can give money away to whomever she chooses.
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