My dad is 82, we lost mum in August, they were married early twenties. Just myself and sister caring for him. Dad has mobility issues, walks with a frame most of the time, diabetes and takes numerous tablets for blood pressure, pain etc and for the past year has moved onto insulin injections. My dad has always been overweight, had a poor diet and not exercised. My mum looked after him all his life like a child and would run around constantly for him, so my mum was fit and quite healthy and he just deteriorated health wise.

He has always been a selfish man and now it's even worse. Sorry, it sounds like he's an awful person, but we had some good times as a family, but I think I'm just really angry at him as he always wanted to be like this, so he could claim benefits and be lazy.

My mum had so much to live for and enjoyed her life and had friends, but my dad has been an old man since his fifties and limited what she could do as she was his main carer. For the 3 years before she died he stayed in bed most of the time and she was quite lonely. Since she died me and my sister are trying to care for him, along with some outside carers. I go once a week and sleep and she also has him at her house on a weekend. He's not taking his tablets, not eating much and usually gets up at 6pm for a few hours. He's also got a small dog, that he hardly feeds or let's out as he's in bed all day. We have tried to work with him to support us as we are also grieving and we have changed our routine to suit trying to care for him. He doesn't emotionally support us, he never has, but we just want him to try and help us. He did nearly go into a coma a few weeks ago due to low blood sugar and always feels ill due to missing tablets.

My sister has mentioned putting him into a home, but then I think why are we trying to extend his life when he's not happy and doesn't want to live anymore. What's the point of that if he's just living the same life, but just doing it for longer? Just not sure what to do anymore as me and my sister have different opinions, she wants to support him more while he lays in bed being selfish, where as I've stepped back a bit.

It would be different if his behaviour was due to grief, but he has been like this for years, so not sure how to move forward with caring for him.

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Trying to care for a person who acts like your dad--is like banging your head on the wall, over and over and expecting it not to hurt.

He NEEDS to be in care, where his needs are met and he has his meds, etc on time.

No, he will NOT die if you put him in care. Can he opt for Hospice? Maybe that's where he is--you'd have to ask him what he wants.

You and sis will be completely fried if you keep up this caregiving routine. I'd refuse to help someone who refuses to help themselves.
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Since you said Dad walks with a frame I will assume you live in the UK or r from the UK. If you live there, then your Socialized medicine is so much different then healthcare is here.

I had a father who was a Curmudgeon. My Mom waited on him hand a foot. He went on disability at 52 yrs old. Like you, we had good times but he was not an easy man to live with and was self-centered. I told my brothers I would not be the one to care for him. If they wouldn't, then he would enter a home. Which actually I think he would enjoy. New people to tell his old stories to. But he died before Mom.

Our parents do us no favors by babying the other spouse. And it seems that the one that was babied is the survivor. Sorry, but what Mom did for Dad does not mean I need to. If there are things he can do for himself, he needs to do it. Is he just not taking his meds or forgetting to take them? I guess he has been told if he doesn't do what he needs to, he will die. And it will not be pretty. Two of my classmates lost a leg to poor circulation. Both died from kidney shut down. This then means the toxins enter your bloodstream and cause sepsis which kills. The toxins cause Dementia like symptoms. It takes about 2 wks to die. Sorry, this is the reality. Or, he dies from a heart attack or goes into a coma.

I am with you, he needs to be in care. If he is forgetting meds then he will get them on time. Same with his meals. He can be monitored for any changes. He will be safe. The dog, if Dad is not feeding him or seeing he gets out to do business, then you should remove the dog and find someone who will care for him.
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Rarely do siblings agree on caregiving.
And the one cannot and should not try to change the choices of the other.
Be honest with Sister and tell her what you can do and are willing to do.
And that she will be stuck with the rest, or you can attempt to place him.
If he is mentally competent you may not be able to and he may die in his home.
As I recently said to my own MD about my being 81 "No one writes the obit of an 81 year old and says "she died so young".

I am relieved that neither of you has taken this gentleman into your home, but fear your sister is on her way to that. It will be a disaster and you should let her know now that if she does this you cannot/will not support her.

Your father should go into care. If he won't, you can continue, but know this is enabling his choices. And yes, he may die at home. Or in care. He is 82. Amazing, that, to live so long with the diabetes which normally takes people WAY earlier than the 80s.

My best to you. Be loving, gentle but HONEST with your sister. Tell her you take on all the blame for your own limitations, but that quite honestly you also EMBRACE them.
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He should be transitioned into a facility. Sounds like he may qualify for LTC but this is a medical assessment made by his doctor. If so, then he just needs to qualify financially for Medicaid, since in most states LTC is the only care that Medicaid covers.

Next time he has a diabetic episode, call 911 and hopefully they will take him to the ER where you and your sister can explain why he is an unsafe discharge and you're not his caregivers. Hopefully the social worker can transfer him directly into a facility.

Is anyone his PoA?
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A care home sounds like the best solution, if he'll agree.

Has he ever been assessed for depression?
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Dad doesn't want to live anymore without Mum, but had given up on life way before she died. I think it would help him as he would have 24hr care, they would make sure he has tablets, food etc and he wouldn't be ill or at risk of going into a coma. He has carers come to do meals, but he tells them to leave, atleast in a care home they may try and persuade him to get up, eat and join in activities. It would give us piece of mind knowing that he has someone there 24hrs.
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Geaton777 Jan 6, 2024
Don't romanticize that he will magically be a different person in a facility. He will most likely be and do the same, only in a different place. No one can force him to eat or take meds and staff are busy so won't spend a lot of time trying to cajole him into doing what's best for himself. Then maybe he can be put on hospice.
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Welcome, Silvia!

What does Dad want? Unless he's been declared incompetent,cI don't think you can force him into a care home.

I don't see how you interpret getting him into a care home as "helping him more". Doesn't that mean that you and sis will both be able to step back?

It's possible that his quality of life will improve in a home, once he's getting regular medication and meals.
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