Hi again, Sprinkles00 here. Im not sure if the people who engaged with me on here several years ago will see this but it’s worth a shot.
I have no idea how I stumbled across this website again and remembered my login info, I guess it’s a sign saying I’m not quite done.
For those who don’t know me, I posted on here when I was 18, asking if my mother has rights to remove me from my home. She struggled with addiction and depression, and I was not in a good place back then. I had no idea what was coming.
I am now 23 years old and I am currently in college, however, not related at all to the program I used to be in. My life got turned upside down when I was 20, in 2020. The last time I wrote in here, I mentioned my mother was clean and sober, and I was ecstatic, as was my family. I mentioned things were going the best they have been in years. I wish I still had good things to say about my current position.
In October 2020, my mother was sober. She was still depressed, but she was medicated and seeing doctors, you know, she did everything right to look after her mental health. However in late October, she took her own life at home. My Mommy is gone, and has been gone for nearly three years now. I’m not sure what else to say. The road has been rough. The grieving process is not kind. I keep finding that rock bottom has a basement, and another, and another. I wasn’t okay for a while, but I am getting back up on my feet, slowly.
I mentioned earlier that I am in college. When I was 18/19 I went to college for a nursing program. However, after my mom passed I no longer any interest in the medical field. After some soul searching and digging up my old roots, I am in trade school for welding.
My family has mostly moved on the best they can. My Dad is remarrying next June. My sister is working in her dream career and my youngest sister is still in high school, and my brother is still at home (he has special needs). After decades of taking care of others I am learning how to take care of myself. Sadly, I lost a lot of people and close friends along the way, but I learned if someone can’t handle my boundaries then they don’t deserve my helping hand.
So, incredibly long story short, that’s how the past 5 years went. I wanted to write this in the chance that those who helped me several years ago ever wanted to check in or get an update, well I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear but unfortunately it’s what I’ve got. I wish 18 year old me could’ve read this and did things differently. I love you Mom. All my love,
Sprinkles
Your mother is at peace and beyond all pain and suffering now. She loved you and I hope you are receiving some kind of counceling on your own or with your family to help you cope.
God bless you and I wish you all the best.
I would tell you that for some, indeed for many, life is simply too hard. No matter the amount of help available or the things tried, it is too much to go on with; they cannot go on. And I think we must forgive them the pain their loss means for us. While their loss has repercussions for us, it isn't "about" us at all.
Would love to suggest a book for you, so you can see you aren't alone in suffering what cannot be avoided. Liz Scheier has a wonderful memoir about her mother's mental illness, and about her decades of trying to help her alone with the city and state of NY. All to no avail, really. Though her mother lived much longer than yours, it was a sad life; a tragedy really, that very nearly pulled her family right down with her.
Best of continued luck to you. And again thanks for this update.
Take what you've learned all these years and keep the good and throw away the bad.
May God bless you and keep you.
My condolences. You’re navigating an awful situation. Grief is sneaky. It comes and goes and knocks the wind out of you when you least expect it. Sometimes it lets you feel ok because it’s part of the experiences that make you “you”. I wish you stability, calm and happiness.
I am very glad to hear you are in school and making things happen in your life. All the best to you! 😊
I hope that you are getting some support/counseling in coping with this. AFSP has online forums for survivors, as well as listings of local support groups, which could really help. Your school may also offer free counseling services. Please don't try to go it alone. Grief is indeed a long journey, and losing a parent to suicide is a terribly hard loss.
Best wishes to you as you continue on your journey. Take good care.
Stay in school learning whatever you decide is the right career for you.
Have you gone to grief counseling? Perhaps a support group , Al anon .
You are correct in staying true to yourself and your boundaries . Stay away from those who are not good for you . Get involved in an activity club at college . You will meet other people to have healthy friendships with . Your life is just beginning . Embrace and be proud of what you have accomplished and keep going forward.
Take care of yourself first and foremost .
(((Hugs))).