Nervous but about to take the plunge. I teach, but am about to quit my teaching job!!! Is there anything I'm not thinking of?

You may want to rethink this. If you stop working, this could affect your social security benefits, medicare and pension.

Altzheimers and dementia are brain diseases that will get worse. You may feel up to the challenge for now because you are not happy with your current employment situation, but I would seriously give this some serious thought.

You can explore a different field of work.

Choupette, c'est un prénom très mignon.
Give it a shot.
Planning for time off is brilliant. Make sure to take that time off, even if you have nothing planned. If only to sit in the library with a book, is a dream. It's important.
Everything else will unfold and increase your knowledge. You'll be able to figure out most of it. Ask questions as they come up.

Update: mom already lives with me. Has medicate. Medicaid. Doesn’t drive. If it became too much I would find her a nice facility. Right now I can provide care she needs. Oh and I have a side hustle”farm” with hubby and farmers market weekends.

If you hate dealing with children, you should not be a teacher. I have vivid memories as a kid of teachers who clearly disliked children and always wondered why they were in that line of work?? Also if you think dealing with children exposes you to disrespect, elder care can also be extremely emotionally demanding. Even if your ward is not disrespectful, it can be upsetting to see a person sick and hurting, with increasingly limited mobility. Be sure you set guidelines for work hours, finances, before the needs of your mother start to increase. Many people who are caregivers do this as a side job to supplement a full-time career and do not depend on it for their living income. Make sure your family can withstand the loss of a full-time income.

There are so many good points made by many people here. It's important to remember that elder care becomes a bigger and bigger job as time passes and you will be getting older yourself. I ran into this myself. In terms of legal and financial, please make sure you are clear on keeping your finances separate from mother's. If she ever needs Medicaid, this will be important. And separate finances are important for other reasons too: I knew a family through church who brought a parent to live with them - the lady had to be 85+ and I say that because the "kids" were grandparents themselves. They brought mom into the house, took out a gigantic mortgage (for what? who knows?) and decided Grandma would pay the new mortgage from her SS/pension. It lasted a couple of months and Grandma has a debilitating stroke. I can't remember if the elder passed away or had to go to a facility, but in either case, she could not continue paying the exorbitant new mortgage because she was either deceased or in a facility and either scenario would take her SS/pension out of the household equation. The near retirement-age kids had to MOVE out and sell the house as they could not stay there without the elderly lady paying this new mortgage they took out. Daughter asked me "Do you know how hard it is to drive past my old house every day?" I had no reply for her. Make sure you keep good records and that everything balances every month - for you and for your mom.

I haven't read all the comments, but my takeaway is that for the majority of us it's not easy peasy.
Sadly, I walked away from my job of 26 years with the fantasy that caring for Mother would be great. For almost five years, we have no privacy, almost no respite (certainly none since covid) and that is really taxing, not getting a break.
Think about what your personal relationship with her is. I mean dig deep. Was she a nurturing parent? Or was she dismissive? Because these are traits that will surface on the journey. Caring for a dismissive (or covert narcissist), parent is a kind of hell all it's own.
For me, those are what make me think, "If only I'd known."
24/7 caregiving is HARD.

I gave up my job as a Director of a preschool to care for my mother full-time. At first I was so happy about it. The idea of not having to get up at 6 o’clock in the morning….not having to deal with all the work politics and BS. Here I am a year and a half later and I’m burned out as a caregiver. I’d give anything to have that job back. Now…..my mother with Alz follows me around asking 500 questions (most repeats) and I can’t even walk outside without her asking me where I’m going. I’m also informed of the outdoor temperature 25 times a day (that is not an exaggeration).

I miss working and being around people all day who understand what I say the first time and give me personal space. However, I don’t have the luxury of another solution. She’s at that stage where she could live in assisted-living but she would need quite a bit of assisting. We live in an area where the cheapest assisted living situation is way more than she can afford. She wouldn’t qualify for Medicaid either. She’s not at the nursing home stage quite yet. I promised my father last year on his deathbed that I would do everything in my power to take care of her as long as I could.

I guess what I’m trying to say is the grass is not always greener!

I have not read any of the other comments but just want to let you know.

I did exactly that, I gave up my job to look after mom (was also unhappy at work). At first it was nice to spend time with mom but how I wish I hadn't taken that decision. Financially it's tough (I don't benefit at all), Emotionally it's devastating and mentally it's draining.

Please think carefully before you take that plunge. Believe me your mom, if she follows the pattern of this illness, will become way more stressful than the kids.

It's just so sad that we have to watch someone we love so dearly going through this journey of their lives.

I defended my actions for a long time and took the consequences of my actions but quite frankly if I had it all to do again, I'd make different choices.

I am in love with the way mom used to be (dementia is so cruel) and that's what keeps me going.

Good luck but please don't be impulsive. Give it some serious thought before you take that plunge because once you do, there's no going back.

I love mom dearly but she is now just a fantasy. The real her has already left the planet with the occasional rare exceptions and it's those rare exceptions which I live for.

Good luck once again

Just keep up your continuous education for your teacher's job because you want to be able to go back to work if something happens. Being a caregiver is rough, especially if your mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. I think it's a great idea if you hate your job but make sure you and hubby have date nights to relieve the stress. My poor mother passed in April from Alzheimer's and it about ran me and my father into the ground. It's hard, really hard. I wish you luck and I'm really happy for your momma. Also make sure you can still take vacations on a regular basis. It's VERY important for your psyche.

Choupette: Imho, this is a mistake for a variety of reasons, e.g. social security, pension, et al.

OK with relatives who are retired teachers please consider the following:
1) Social security benefits when you are older. Will your state employer pay into social security? 2) Pension at retirement. Will you and your husband have enough? 3) special benefits teachers receive like a TDA 4) continuing education courses offered free to teachers 5) medical benefits including prescription drugs covering what Medicare doesn’t 6) discount travel benefits 7) a union that fights for you. I’m not saying you should stay but I am envious of retired teachers. 😀

dear choupette,

i think it's very kind of you to help your mother.

just be careful please.
make sure you also can live your life.

don't sacrifice your life.

help yourself and your LOs.

hug!! :)
wishing you well!! :)

If teaching is not for you, consider another profession but do you have any ideas what it is to be a caretaker - especially if there are physical and mental problems. It is sheer hell and it gets worse and you will get NO help and have no life. You will be made to feel guilty for all you do for you......DO NOT DO THIS. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING INTO. Take some time off to search your soul and look for other options but please do not go from the frying pan into the fire.

If I knew then what I know now I would have never come back here.

I do everything and get nothing but sh@t for my reward. Meanwhile the rest of the family do nothing and get everything given to them on a silver platter.

If you think those kids are bad, wait to you see how you are treated as a caregiver.

Don't do it! It's a set up for what to come down the line! Unconsciously you are being set up for many years of misery. Those of us that are caregivers know what you're in for.......nothing is worth this!

I would suggest that you consider more helpers in your plan - hired aides and/or volunteer help from family, friends, community of faith... Caregiving a senior rarely stays at the same level of care and usually becomes more complex and demanding as the senior ages. Consider that you will need time off each day and extended time off weekly/monthly to meet your own basic needs (health care, hygiene, time with spouse or children) and social needs (doing things you enjoy with others). You need enough helpers that know your mom's plan of care that they could take over if you had a major illness or injury.

I would also suggest that you and your husband look at your retirement plans - together and separately - to make sure you have enough resources for your senior years. Nobody considers that he or she will be the one that needs caretaking, but it is the reality for at least 75% of us. It might be wise to consult a financial planner (usually banks have reliable personnel) to help you with these assessments.

In the short term it might be better to get your mom into an adult day program while you care for her in the evenings. Please also consider if there are other schools or work situations you can move into that would be less stressful for yourself. State pensions should not be carelessly thrown aside.

I hear that you are truly burnt out as a teacher and I understand and respect that.
Is it at all possible that you take a personal or family LEAVE and not just quit? That will give you time to know if you made the right decision.
That said, please be sure you can survive on the amount of money you will be receiving for care taking. I hope that any expenses you incur in care taking (car trips to doctors, shopping, medical supplies, medications, aids such as grab bars, better lighting, walker, personal alarm will be paid through Mom's insurance or her personal funds - not yours. Also realize if you quit you will lose any medical benefits for yourself, pension will be diminished, 401 will no longer grow, etc.
I took care of my mom, and she was a saint - so I know you are feeling this new venture will be a piece of cake. However, over time your responsibilities will grow as your mother's needs increase. Care taking can swallow you up over time so please take on the role with this awareness.
Last, many people who "retire" early often regret the lack of stimulation and decreased social interaction they now have. So I would advise that you be diligent in keeping up with outside interests and making sure to have time away with your loving supportive husband. Best of luck to you.

Don’t do it. Easy peasy will morph into complete utter dependence. You will also be expected to be 24/7 a slave. And no matter how disrespectful your students are there is a degree of satisfaction in doing a job outside of the home. There is also something to be said about the routine of going to a job. Everything is more valuable and precious when a person works outside the home. Sure not having a set schedule that one has to adhere to sounds wonderful but in the long run not having it, in my experience and opinion, is way more stressful and depressing. When you are in your house all day everyday it’s no longer your sanctuary. Someplace to go home to at the end of the day. Your home will become a place you want to get away from. You’ll become a slave to your mother and start to resent that and her. There are TONS of studies that prove working outside the home as long as you can extends a person’s life and mental acuity. There are also tons of studies that prove caregivers live shorter lives. I say don’t “reduce your financial footprint”. Instead find a nice facility for your mother to go to. And if you don’t feel you are reaching at least a few of your students get another job.

Definitely, a toxic environment is something you do not need so leaving your job is understandable. But I cannot ignore the fact that you are entering what we call in the profession "aging senior care". Does it have problems? You bet! There are many problems I see every day in my counsel with caregivers. Basically, you have 4 categories you have to think about: 1) Their Health - you know this is going to decline. She will lose her ability to function. How well are you equipped to be up all night because she sleeps during the day, do her hygiene, fix her meals only to have her tell you she hates your cooking? Not going to the doctor, complaining of pain, won't exercise, blasting the TV, won't see friends, or refusing to give you the keys when you tell her it's time to stop driving? These are things to discuss now. 2) Her mental ability will decline. When this happens she will no longer be able to "complete" her relationship with you or your husband. In other words, do not expect anything back from her, no matter how much you give of your time and life. She is not capable of a give-and-take relationship anymore. If any form of dementia is diagnosed, you will need education and help. She can become uncontrollable and mean, emotionally and verbally to you and your husband. She doesn't want to slow down; she doesn't mean to be slow. It's just what aging does to us. 3) Legal & Financial Help. Hopefully, she has an extra $683 a month hanging around because this is the average cost caregivers spend on their loved ones. Most of my clients do not believe this until I have them start keeping track. Picking up the "little things" at the grocery store, taking time to settle the unpaid medical bills, etc all add up. Make sure you have a copy of the will and all her assets and talk to her elder law attorney to stay in the loop. If she does not have one, go get one for you and your husband and talk to them about your mom's estate. You will be blown away by what you DON'T know. If you have siblings, do not expect them to help but be pleasantly surprised when they do. They may offer advice or even criticism but you must stay your course on what you think is the right decision for her. Unless someone walks in your shoes, they do not understand. 4) Living situations. Easy-peasy is great to start with. However, consider your exit strategy down the road. I have seen many a husband become lonely because more and more time is taken up by the aging senior and the wife feels guilty, exhausted, and depressed because she cannot keep up with all the "shoulds" in her life. Keep yourself first and your husband second. Get her consent now that when it is time for her to move, she will go happily and will be able to afford the care. Remember, it takes 31 people in assisted living per week to care for an aging senior. If or, when, this becomes too much, do you and your husband have the fortitude to move her? You will feel guilt. It is normal. It is healthy. It means you care for her. You wouldn't have guilt if you didn't care. If she balks at this, it is because she is scared of the unknown. Make sure her facility has a team in place to reassure her and acclimate her. Visit often at first until you are confident this is a healthy and safe environment for her. Keep a team of friends and family on speed dial to call when you need help in all of the above 4 categories. It is best to have at least 3-4 folks in each category ready to help so you do not burn out any one of them too quickly, especially your husband. It's good of you to do this. To all the caregivers out there - You are my heroes. I wish I could be there for each and every one of you every step of the way.

My husband and I were both teachers who left teaching to take care of my mom and her sister (who both were schoolteachers). We find it is the perfect education for caretaking them in their second childhood. It is also more rewarding because school is all about what you can't do with children. "God Bless You for caring for your loved ones" comes from everywhere, strangers and family!

Go for it, with the built-in weekend 'reprieve' help right up front; and if and when your mom needs more care, is less 'easy peasy' plan to bring in more help, depending on her kinds of need. You have done a good thing for society as an educator; now be with your mom and enjoy your 'semi-retirement' by stepping away from teaching to focus on family, your personal life. While things are in transition and fairly easy on you, start researching ideas/plan for when your mom may need placement and how you folks would be able to do that, with everyone's best interests, health and safety, considered.

Everyone has really good advice here- they are right on. I have my mom here in my home and I take care of her as well. She was easy in the beginning and now she has progressed and it’s harder. It’s sort of like a disrespectful teenager, except it’s your loved one. A teenager knows they are being disrespectful but a dementia person doesn’t, so you have to bite your tongue and respond lovingly. It has taken a toll on my marriage and going out after 7pm gets her nervous because she doesn’t want to be alone and taking vacations is an extra chore to find someone to take care of her. I think it’s wonderful you want to take care of your mother and it’s do-able, if you have someone else to watch her while you go out or on vacation. I didn’t think ahead on how I would deal with the progression because she’s my mom and I felt like I could handle it. I thought if caretakers can do it, I could, but they go home and leave their job, I don’t- it’s 24/7. I highly suggest if you decide to take care of her, do something else part time that you do enjoy doing because you need that outlet. Schedule dates with friends and husband and please do think ahead on a plan B when mom starts to progress. Praying for guidance and wisdom.

Can you just take leave? I t ook leave for a few months, and during that time was able to find somone to come in and help. It worked out so well that I went back to work, finished out and then retired. But there are ways to keep your options open to go back if needed, otherwise you risk losing your retirement.
But if you can be paid to stay home, do it! Talk to your HR to find out what benefits you can get from teaching. I hope it works out well for you!

Quitting teaching saved my own life and sanity. Care taking your mother might become a big job, but you already recognize the importance of hiring extra help if needed. Most families do their care taking without any pay, so your eligibility for such a program is a nice bonus. If you are prepared to hire help if needed and if you can do without your former teacher's salary, by all means, quit!

Teachers don't make much in the way of income. Now you're willing to take this new job on because mom is easy peasy? They all are at the beginning. As time goes on it will be much more difficult. You will be stuck in a thankless 24/7 job giving you more hours with no breaks. Make sure you are in charge of all the legalities so when the time comes, you are able to care for your loved one and yourself by placing her in a home. Ask me why i know this.... you think you're tired now! Just wait.....

Currently I'm caregiving in the "easy peasy" phase for my husband-he is mostly lucid, can self care with bathing, use the Kerug for coffee. I know he is going to get worse. A lot worse. Starting to line up in home care now. Why? I have had 4 whole days off, to myself, in eight months. Add COVID to the mix. Lots and lots of doctor's appointments for him, husband's mental decline and it takes a toll. This is my second round of caregiving, First time was Mom's end stage cancer-that was easy compared to dementia. Cause the resources for dementia are not even close to what is available for cancer, which (silly me) at the time of husband's diagnosis I thought would be the same. I have had to really dig around for help. The local area department on aging emailed some information and that was about it. I'm piecing together as best I can help for my husband and myself.
The replies here are very, very good, accurate and I hope provide the answers you are looking for, as well as honestly challenging your point of view about caregiving.

This sounds like a nice option for you. I would definitely continue with the aid for a reprieve. Keep that connection for the time that Mom’s condition declines.

Have you thought about starting off by taking a year of family leave? Then reassess in a year? I only say that because that would give you a little safety net, and maintain your benefits, tenure, and etc. should you decide to go back. Just a thought!

Iit's awesome that you're getting married,congrats! It's also great that you have a job waiting for you,that being said,I take care of my husband& It's hard bc I he has to be my first thought everyday,I have no days off or sick days,everything is a schedule,eating the same time every day,when he keeps coughing as elderly ppl do,it's bc they're not drinking enough,so we have to pay attention,even when he walks he scuffles,doesn't pick up his feet,no scatter rugs bc they will slip and fall,so make sure there's nothing in their path to trip on. He calls me the nurse from hell. I don't have family that I can ask to sit with him&our daughter is career oriented in a few states away,consider all of these things,I have very little time to take care of myself,but I married this man&I'm grateful I can take the best care of him,no nursing instition can take better care than what I'm able to do. You really have to consider whether you can give up free time or socializing time,it is a challenging&at times difficult bc they can be angry for little things,they can have outbursts for sometimes nothing at all or reminding them to drink. The question is are you up to the difficult,rewarding(knowing you're making a difference)responsibility? For me I know he's safe from being neglected or abused&getting the love,compassion,provided for. He's thick headed&set in his ways&I work around that&remind him often that I love him,not controlling him,but wanting him to be healthy&safe. I hope my experience sheds some light. One last thing,sometimes they can say hurtful things to get what they want or to get you to stop asking them to drink,or not to eat a lot of junk,that's what they're mad at,not you,but what is suggested that they do. Good luck!

You don’t say how old you are so I don’t know if social security or anything like that will enter in as income. I can tell you I did just what you are thinking in 2020 at the start of covid. I’ve been dads sole caregiver since 2005 when my mother passed. He is also very easy and never ill. My job did a layoff in March if 2020 of its older workers (I am retirement age) and I was glad to go out with severance as dad was 99 at the time. I am also now his paid caregiver through a VA program called Aide an Assisstance. I found a wonderful woman who comes two days to sit with dad while I do errands or meet a friend. Yes it’s very hard work. Yes I get resentful that my sister doesn’t help at all. But I am so glad I’m doing it. Dad is happier and I no longer have the added stress of a toxic work work atmosphere.I hope this helps.

Hello! I left my teaching job in June 2020. It was a decision I had to make because mom needed more and more care. I can tell you that caretaking takes an enormous toll on me. I have aides but in this COVID world, they are unreliable. They get sick due to no fault at all of theirs but at times before they got sick, I had some who would call in regularly and not show up. I’m an only child and only living relative for my mom. I hardly spend time with my husband and friends. Think it over VERY carefully. I do work part time teaching so that saves me.