They both live with us and we are very stressed out all or most of the time.

Thinking of respite care.

Understand, your mother has known your dad, longer than you have. Your mother has seen your Dad in his prime. Watching hin decline must be hard for her.

She still wants to believe she can have a reasonable discussion with him.

The best approach is to simply educate her. Show her articles.
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Reply to Exveemon

Does she ever acknowledge that he has dementia? Does she know what it entails? Is she aware of stages? There are many web sites that explain everything, many very simply, and offer suggestions for how to deal with the "fun", one of which is not to argue with a person who has dementia. It's like trying to reason with a 2yo sometimes! Once something is stuck in their head, it stays, no matter what!

Information, if she'll accept it, is the best way around this. Try to find those that are short and to the point. Anything long and detailed she probably won't read.

I could NOT use the "D" word around my mother - she thought it meant you were off your rocker, aka crazy. Terminology may be helpful with your mother as well. Mom believed my dad had Alzheimer's, so she was aware of that aspect, but the word dementia was a whole different ball game! In her case, it was likely vascular dementia, but there was no way to use the terminology at that point, maybe not even before. She was only HS education, wayyy back in the day, and tended to be a bit pig-headed about things. If she read about something or saw it on that Dr P show, it was gospel!

Additionally, dementia lies to the person. Their self-image is totally different than what we see. As recent memories are lost, they drift back in time, so my mother didn't view herself to be the age she was.
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Reply to disgustedtoo

Please do seek respite care since you are exhausted.

It’s very tiring being a referee.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Is your mother perhaps exhibiting some cognitive decline as well?

Some folks cam appear to be "sharp as a tack" in many ways (can discuss current events, know family members, remember everyone's birthday) and STILL be suffering from loss of executive functioning and abstract thinking skills.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

It sounds like your mom is perhaps in denial over the fact that her husband has dementia. Some people would rather be in denial, than have to deal with the truth and reality of things. That is more common than you might realize. It might be helpful for her to read some articles pertaining to dementia(you can print some off this website) and all it entails, along with watching some of Teepa Snow's videos on YouTube about dementia. It's always best to be educated in the health issues you or your loved ones are dealing with. Wishing you the best.
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Reply to funkygrandma59

If your mother is mentally well, then you can be blunt with her - to argue with a person with dementia is abusive. She may not yet believe in dementia, she may even be one of the surprisingly large number of people who think that dementia is somehow a self-inflicted, lazy person's condition and they can snap out of it if they try; but your mother is not stupid, I shouldn't think she means to be cruel to your father, and she can learn. Get some good information sheets, e.g. from, print them for her and tell her she needs to step up.
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Reply to Countrymouse

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