Words of wisdom needed from this group.

I am going to try to keep this simple - in the end, you have to make the decisions best for you and your family and you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be happy with what you see. Caregiving is tough business and sounds like there is a great deal of caregiving to be had.

Just remember that things can be changed if they aren’t working - trial and error. Our dear seniors’ needs change and our means of caring for them changes as well.

Remember too that you can’t do this on your own - you will need the support of your family.

Have faith that you will make the best decisions! And if you need to revisit those decisions, it’s alright.

Best of luck and here’s a caregiver hug, which are really strong hugs!!!

I'd like to suggest a short stay at an appropriate facility for your father rather than a room at your house while you get things settled, the move alone is more than enough stress and extra work. This will also allow all involved to familiarize yourselves with the local facilities and how they operate so that you are less apprehensive about using short term respite or even a permanent placement if it comes to that. Yes, it will be expensive but hopefully your parents saved for a rainy day, and IMO it is clearly pouring in your neighbourhood!

The truth is, there is normally sub standard care given in the home for elders suffering from dementia. In a Memory Care community, there is a 24/7 staff trained to deal with dementia, activities designed to stimulate them and keel them socialized instead of isolated, and the list goes on. 90% of people caring for parents at home have no idea what dementia is all about, what to expect, how to handle the sufferer, or how to keep him safe from wandering out at night or burning down the house.

The tension in your home is justly warranted, unfortunately. The best wisdom you can hear is to care for your children and enable them to live a normal life. Read these boards to see what happens when you place the elders needs above your family's.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed

As much as you'd like, you will not be able to juggle these flaming balls without catching fire and burning down your entire house. Everyone mentioned in your post is making panicked emotional, not rational or fact-based, decisions. Do you really want to hear the words of wisdom from this group? Here are some:

- do NOT move any parents into your home or NEXT TO your home. Your first and only responsibility is to your immediate family: husband and children. If you try to be the ringleader of this Senior Circus, your marriage and home life (and sanity and bank account) will suffer. Period.

- you are not responsible for your parents' happiness. They are adults and have had their entire lives to prepare mentally and financially for this time.

- everyone's fear of care communities is overblown. Have you recently visited a nice, reputable one? Sounds like some of your seniors can go into independent living or AL and they will have a healthy social life and good care. Is it a big change for them? Yup, but so what -- they'll adjust if you butt out.

- don't make promises you absolutely can't keep like, "I'll never put them in a home". Don't agree to promise you won't put them in a home if they ask you. It's not fair of them to ask. It's selfish and destructive. I promise you can't keep this promise without losing your sanity.

- don't feel guilty that you can't please or rescue everyone. Don't enable them. They will be ok.

- You can help in healthy, practical ways but not without durable PoA.

Others will post more insight and I pray you heed all of it. Blessings!

Does your MIL need help? need care? Is the ONLY reason she is living with you her husband died? Sounds like you might want to re think this a bit.
Caring for your dad with cancer and dementia is not going to be easy. Is your house set up to care for someone that can not do stairs? has to use a walker or wheelchair? are bathrooms barrier free so a wheelchair can be brought into the bathroom and maybe into the shower? no carpet so a Hoyer Lift can be moved easily when transferring him. These are just a few things that might be needed.
Is he still seeking treatment for the cancer? If not is he on Hospice. If he is seeking treatment for the cancer I have to ask Why?
Why would you resist placing your dad in a Memory Care facility with trained staff.
In all honesty I would tell her that you just can not handle caring for anyone else at this time. And it is wisest to stay closest to the person that has (secondary) POA just in case more help is necessary.

Wow. I can't even follow all of this. mother, mother in law, father, Brother, teenagers. Did I miss someone? I will have to draw it out on a piece of paper and get back to you. You must be totally overwhelmed!

Your children have raised a red flag, their lives are being negatively affected by all your caretaking of the parents.

Stating that you will never place either in a home is wishful thinking, not realistic.

I would suggest that you read some of the many posts on here about how in home caretaking has ruined the caretakers lives, these are real stories, not fiction. With your parents living right next store, it will be just like they are living with you.

I would reconsider this option, and take a little time to research AL's near you, for everyone's well-being. Good Luck!