I took my Mother into my home in 2005. Not one single member of our family would. What will happen to my Mom if something happens to me? There is no one else to care for her. And the VA nursing homes are full. I do have her on a waiting list. But in the mean time I can't leave her alone because she's a safety risk in so many ways. We only get 14 hours a week for a care provider to come in and give me a break. That means that I'm only able to work 14 or less hours a week now. I have to go to so many lengths to get any kind of extra support! It's beyond rediculous. However what if one day I don't wake up, or have a stroke and can't care for myself? Where will she go? All the VA nursing homes are full. And according to all the other ones near us she doesn't qualify, so where would she go? And if there is a place they'd take her now that it's become a urgent need, then why aren't they placing her there now? Please help

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It is beyond ridiculous, and I am very sorry you are in this fix!

Is it your judgement that Mother isn't safe to be alone, or has a doctor confirmed that? Who is paying for the 14 hours a week? Is that the VA or Medicaid or some other source? The nearby nursing homes say she isn't qualified -- medically, I assume? Do they think she is qualified for assisted living? Have you looked into assisted living for her?

It sounds like you are looking ahead to when Mom might be worse and trying to arrange care for that now, while the agency/facilities are evaluating her as she is in the present moment and they don't think she needs that level of care. What are her care needs? Does she have mobility problems? Does she need help with some of the activities of daily living? Why can't she be left alone -- is she cognitively impaired? Have any of these things gotten worse since she was turned down by nursing homes? How long ago was the evaluation that resulted in 14 hours care done? If anything has changed, and especially if her doctor has spoken about her care level, ask for a new needs assessment. Be sure you are present when it takes place. Sometimes the elder will exaggerate their abilities, and the assessor needs to go by what they say. That can be one reason for getting a low number of hours when the person really needs more.

Would Mother be eligible for an Adult Day Health Program (adult day care)? That could allow you to work more hours, and also be good for Mother.

Many of us worry or have worried about what would happen if the sole caregiver is incapacitated. Probably Adult Protective Services would get involved. A safe place would be found for Mother. It might not be near you at all, and it might not meet your standards or criteria, but she would not be abandoned. If/when you recovered sufficiently you could get her on waiting lists or find a place you find more suitable.

How long is that VA waiting list? I know they can never tell you exactly, but often they can give a range. (The wait is often 6 to 8 months -- or two years, etc) Can you hang in there that long?

Wishing you the best in this challenging situation.
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