You are suffering from depression, and by sleeping all the time you don't have to deal with your new reality.....without your husband. Sometimes people think that if I just keep sleeping eventually these feelings of loss will go away. But guess what? They won't, until you start to deal with them in a healthy manner. So I would start with making an appointment with your doctor and have them put you on a antidepressant(even temporarily)so you can start dealing with things better. Then I would definitely join a Grief support group in your area. Most places have what is called Grief Share meetings and they often are held in local churches, so I would "Google" to see where one is near you. If your husband was under hospice care at the end, they too offer grief counseling for a year at no charge, so that is an option too. Also I would recommend reading the book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It allows you to handle your grief just one day at a time, which I found to be very helpful. I cared for my husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage, and he died in Sept. 2020, and I still read that book every morning, as it still brings me comfort. I was also fortunate to have my caregivers support group that was with me the last 2 1/2 years of my husbands life, that continued to be with me after he died. I know that it may not seem like it now, but I'm here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there is even joy. That is pray for you my dear sister in grief, that in time you will be able to find your joy again, and be open to it. God bless you.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. You are likely in the depression stage right now, but it's common to waffle back and forth between the 4 stages on your way to finding acceptance, which takes quite a while.
The sixth stage of grief is now thought to be Finding Meaning; because those who cared for a loved one for a long time, such as yourself, now will find themselves alone and perhaps without meaning in life. What now? What do I do NOW? Is a question often asked after a loved one departs. There is a link to Kessler's book on that site as well, The Sixth Stage of Grief: Finding Meaning: In this book, Kessler gives readers a roadmap to remembering those who have died with more love than pain; he shows us how to move forward in a way that honors our loved ones. Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth state of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
If your depression doesn't resolve within the next month or so, please do call your doctor for a consultation.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear husband. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
J, I am so very sorry for your loss. This is a HUGE change. It not only robs you of your beloved, but it puts you in a limbo of having now been cut loose in mid air and in a state of free fall. If you aren't his 24/7 caregiver then who are you. If you aren't thinking, planning, worrying over him 24/7 then what IS there to think on. Do know that sleeping too much and sleeping to little, and sleep pattern changes can be a sign of depression. Some depression is normal in grieving. But when it becomes worrisome it is time to seek help. Start with your MD. Consider counseling so you can work this out and comb through your thoughts. Listen to your dreams and start a dream journal. As you write them out you will know how your mind is attempting to help you work through things in your sleep. Consider a short term low dose anti depressant to form a bridge over troubled waters for a while. Consider a grief support group. If you have none in your area then consider forming one. Churches are a great place to do this if you are a person of faith. Be easy on yourself. Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and things move in stages, sometimes see-saw back and forth. It is as individual as your own thumb print. Seek out people who want to talk. Who want to listen. Who want to share when you are able to. When my beloved brother died it helped me to write to him, memories,thoughts, and I collaged the notebook. Consider a new hobby as you get a bit better. Knitting class? Sewing? Sketching? I would recommend two books on grieving. Neither involves someone so tightly knit as a victim of alzheimer's and a caregiver, but both will show you some of the thoughts and ways of those entering this unknown. One is Joan Didion's book The Year of Magical Thinking. the other is C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed. Again, my deepest condolences to you. Try to allow yourself in all you feel to feel also the relief of knowing you never have to fear for your husband again.
So I would start with making an appointment with your doctor and have them put you on a antidepressant(even temporarily)so you can start dealing with things better. Then I would definitely join a Grief support group in your area. Most places have what is called Grief Share meetings and they often are held in local churches, so I would "Google" to see where one is near you. If your husband was under hospice care at the end, they too offer grief counseling for a year at no charge, so that is an option too.
Also I would recommend reading the book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. It allows you to handle your grief just one day at a time, which I found to be very helpful.
I cared for my husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage, and he died in Sept. 2020, and I still read that book every morning, as it still brings me comfort.
I was also fortunate to have my caregivers support group that was with me the last 2 1/2 years of my husbands life, that continued to be with me after he died.
I know that it may not seem like it now, but I'm here to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there is even joy.
That is pray for you my dear sister in grief, that in time you will be able to find your joy again, and be open to it. God bless you.
— You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once —
You lose them over and over,
sometimes many times a day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realisation hits home,
they are gone.
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.
Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.
Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realise,
they are gone,
Again.
You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.
© Donna Ashworth Words
Here is a link to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler's The 5 Stages of Grief discussion:
https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/#:~:text=The%20five%20stages%2C%20denial%2C%20anger,with%20the%20one%20we%20lost.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. You are likely in the depression stage right now, but it's common to waffle back and forth between the 4 stages on your way to finding acceptance, which takes quite a while.
The sixth stage of grief is now thought to be Finding Meaning; because those who cared for a loved one for a long time, such as yourself, now will find themselves alone and perhaps without meaning in life. What now? What do I do NOW? Is a question often asked after a loved one departs. There is a link to Kessler's book on that site as well, The Sixth Stage of Grief: Finding Meaning: In this book, Kessler gives readers a roadmap to remembering those who have died with more love than pain; he shows us how to move forward in a way that honors our loved ones. Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son.
How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth state of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
If your depression doesn't resolve within the next month or so, please do call your doctor for a consultation.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear husband. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
Do know that sleeping too much and sleeping to little, and sleep pattern changes can be a sign of depression. Some depression is normal in grieving. But when it becomes worrisome it is time to seek help. Start with your MD. Consider counseling so you can work this out and comb through your thoughts. Listen to your dreams and start a dream journal. As you write them out you will know how your mind is attempting to help you work through things in your sleep. Consider a short term low dose anti depressant to form a bridge over troubled waters for a while. Consider a grief support group. If you have none in your area then consider forming one. Churches are a great place to do this if you are a person of faith.
Be easy on yourself. Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and things move in stages, sometimes see-saw back and forth. It is as individual as your own thumb print.
Seek out people who want to talk. Who want to listen. Who want to share when you are able to.
When my beloved brother died it helped me to write to him, memories,thoughts, and I collaged the notebook. Consider a new hobby as you get a bit better. Knitting class? Sewing? Sketching?
I would recommend two books on grieving. Neither involves someone so tightly knit as a victim of alzheimer's and a caregiver, but both will show you some of the thoughts and ways of those entering this unknown.
One is Joan Didion's book The Year of Magical Thinking.
the other is C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed.
Again, my deepest condolences to you. Try to allow yourself in all you feel to feel also the relief of knowing you never have to fear for your husband again.