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My stepfather is my mom's primary caregiver. We are really concerned that he is neglecting her needs. They are not willing to pay for AL.

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riamay7: Perhaps you need to enlist your COA (Council on Aging's) social worker to see if your stepfather is actually CAPABLE/has the capacity physically and mentally to care for your mother. Without knowing the extent of his neglect, that is what I suggest.
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My mom and step-dad were the same. She needs care and he was willing to do it. It his own issues were making it more and more difficult. Then she got admitted to the hospital and once they seen him when I brought him to visit they were insisting that she not go home. We had been trying to convince them that AL was in their best interest, but when told that next time either of them ended up in the hospital they would end up being separated because one or both was going to need more care. They did agreed to assisted living so they could be together. They’ve been there 4 months and doing fine.
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Call Adult Protective Services for an evaluation of her; don't wait for harm or neglect to take her life. He may not be capable of caring for her, he may be starting down the dementia path too.

Don't guess and don't wait, life is fragile.
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Call the agency for aging or similar office in your area. Ask what constitutes neglect in their eyes. It may be different than your perception. If necessary, I understand they will visit to look over the situation. I am assuming your father does not wish to have you take over; you might see what does concern him. Are you assuming how much money is there? Is he concerned about your attitude or plans for them? Do they need help figuring the future out? Is there any possibility that he is also somewhat disabled cognitively? What is your Mom's mood like, what complaints or comments can she make about how she is doing or what she needs. People on this forum can give you signs of these problems and possible solutions. A local elder care attorney might help with a plan of action for present or in the future when certain indications appear. A pleasant home aide can change people's attitude pretty easily. My husband went from keeping his distance from one in the house and depending on me, to being very good with aides. We had some marital discussions, but I think experiencing the people who came really changed his attitude. So clearly screen them for pleasantness first of all. Even someone who is a housekeeper can be very nice and help out in these situations, with the right personality. She can be explained as a natural response to Mom's failing strength. such a person is also in a good position to determine when things are falling apart in the household. As an elderly person myself, I sense you "young uns" may not understand our fear of losing control of our life and decision making. Placing ourselves in the control of strangers. We need to be sure we can trust people and situations, and that takes time and experience with the changes and the people who are helping. And, of course, change ain't easy as you age.
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Your mother may be eligible for some in-home care through Medicare/Medicaid. Can you discuss this with a local social worker to find out what her options are? Much will depend on their finances. If they have in-home care, they need to lock up their valuables and personal papers. Her two basic options are in-home care and moving to memory care/skilled nursing. Your father needs to have a plan for a time when her care gets to be too much for him to do alone. These are difficult discussions, and if he is not cooperating, it makes things more difficult. What you can do is limited, as you are not her primary caregiver. All the best to you and your family.
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Riamay, are you willing to eloborate on "neglecting her needs"?

Does StepFather 'get' the situation? Is he adapting to changes in Mom's behaviour & function?

There can be worlds of difference between viewpoints too..

Eg Many older people do not bathe or change clothing anywhere near as often as the younger gens.

Personally, I feel my LO could benefit from more regular showering - but my LO chooses not to.

Showering has become an exhausting & time taking ordeal. Plus cold, + embarrassment over needing assistance, + discomfort, maybe even pain.

So daily showers are out. Compromise is in.

Freedom in choice vs safety issues are definately hard.

Being a good advocate vs being accused of interfering or being a backseat driver is also hard!
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Is he neglecting her needs because he is overwhelmed? Or that he may be in cognitive decline himself?

Is anyone the DPoA for your Mom? If it is one of her children, this person needs to read the document to see what type of PoA they have and what they need to do in order to activate the authority.

If your Mom never assigned a PoA, then either call APS or do a "rescue", where you distract Stepfather and remove Mom from the home to protect her until a more permanent solution can be found.

If your Stepfather has any kids from a prior marriage, they should be notified of what's going on... maybe someone has PoA for him?

How bad is the neglect? If she's not eating or drinking, then this is very urgent.
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You need to call APS.
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What care does your mother need? AL often doesn’t provide all that much personal care. Is mother likely to be eligible for Medicaid? Or can you explain that a stint in paid AL can often be morphed into Medicaid? And that assets can be split? Is the problem your stepfather, your mother, or both?
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APS?
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