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Her husband is fully incontinent, unable to walk without assistance. He falls a lot and is unable to get up without assistance (911).
my mother refuses to place him and is in denial of her inability to properly care for him. They both live at home but are in another state.
ive had numerous heart to heart conversations with her. I’ve offered her and him to live with my husband and I. We even had an elevator put in our new home for their use. I have plenty of facilities/nursing homes near me that will care for her husband. She refuses all. She has had to call 911 twice this month to get help to get her husband up. She just fell three days ago and refuses to go to the e.r.
I am at my wits end, depressed/stressed all the time. Short of calling protective services, are there any other options?

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Dont move them into your house. You will never get them out. And you don't want an incontinent demented elder in your home. You really have no options if your mother refuses to get help and rejects all reasonable solutions by you. It's unfortunate that old people have to be so unreasonable and make life a living hell not only for themselves but also for their loved ones.
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We have a similar situation. Can you get mom to agree to palliative care from Hospice? They will provide Diapers/pull ups, ensure, Someone to come shower him 3 times a week. The doctor will visit the house periodically and a nurse will come once a month and call you every week. For us it is a blessing. My mother in law does not like people in her house but this was a compromise she has accepted.
My Father in law has no family and he is the step parent. I feel like you are the one who cares for them.....you have a good heart, but this will take its toll on you. Time to at least get some help. Hospice bills the insurance company. so she will not see a bill.
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How sad--but you will probably end up waiting for the 'worst' fall and the eventual land in the hospital and that's what it will take to get stepdad in a facility.

If mom is of sound mind and has POA, then there is effectively nothing you can do but stand by and watch the show.

It's awful, I know, but you cannot force her to place her husband and as long as mom is OK, your POA isn't worth much.

Just keep in touch with them and do what you can from a distance. I'm so sorry.
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I have poa in every aspect on my mom. She has poa on her husband. She is of sound mind however her husband is late stage dementia. I live in one state and she has no one living in the same state with her.
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I’m assuming her husband isn’t your father, so does he have any family that will step in and see to it that he gets the care he needs? Your mom can’t keep this up but it may take a crisis on a level that hasn’t happened yet to prove it. Sorry you’re dealing with this, “waiting for the fall” is never a good place to be
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Sunnirose Jun 2021
Hi. Yes, her husband has children, none who are willing to care for him.
they do not have a close relationship with him, each visit ends in a fight which is sooo stressful to mom. They live in different states but have only come to see their dad about 3 times in the last 15 or so years.
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In order to know what to suggest, can you please tell us whether you or anyone has PoA for either of them? If you do have PoA will will also help for you to review to document to see if it is durable or springing. Having this legal tool will mean one set of options. Not having it will mean another. Thanks!
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