My mom thought her Advance Directive was not specific enough. She has mentioned this before, but with all the news about Covid-19 she said she did not want to be put on a ventilator no matter what. She asked me to look into what she needed to do to make sure her wishes were followed. So I researched what might be advisable. What extra steps needed to be taken, etc. My sibling and I both have Healthcare Power of Attorney, but if something happened I think there could be situations where we would not always agree.
I called my mom to tell her I had looked into it and had found some good suggestions. She had mentioned to a family member that she did not want to be put on a ventilator and they said of course she should be put on a ventilator. When I mentioned that she had said she did not want that and asjed did my sibling understand what she wanted, she got mad and said it sounded like I wanted her to die. To make a long story short she hung up on me.
My mother is a one-woman debate team. She often switches sides in a conversation. I feel like I am jumping rope and have the rhythm down and suddenly someone changes the direction of the rope. But this medical directive is something that I think does need to be done. Mother is showing signs of memory issues and Alzheimer's runs in our family. If this is put off she may not be competent to change the directive in the future. I am the one who she talks to, runs to, depends on, drives crazy. In an emergency, if I made a decision which is in harmony with what she has told me in the past, I could well run into a situation where family members end up feeling that I did make a decision on my wishes and not my mother's.
My plan is to do a little more research, gather information from others as to what might happen if we do nothing, and then approach the subject when mother is calmer. But she could react the same way. I could gather the information and wait to see if she brings it up. She has mentioned several times that she was not happy with the language of the medical directive and today she acted if it was totally fine.
I am so, so tired of walking on eggshells.

It must be the weather, lol, as my mother blew up at me tonight, too. In my case, she says I've been scolding her - which I admit I have been, because she is starting to fill back up with fluid from her CHF and won't call the doctor about it.

I would try and set up a teleconference with an attorney for her, and let them go over her options. I am sure paperwork can be signed over the computer.

I so understand the walking on eggshells scenario. Sending you cyber hugs.
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Reply to notgoodenough

I would take her to an attorney if you can find a good one still open, leave the room while they're discussing what she wants (you would be asked to anyway), and discuss the issue after she's had a chance to review with an impartial person.

She may also be fluctuating.  In this fluid and frightening situation, it's easy to understand not wanting to be intubated and vented, but when she doesn't think about it, she may feel differently.

I would back off for a while though, and in the interim contact attorneys, either elder care or estate planning specialists.
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Reply to GardenArtist

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