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A suitable place was found locally(free) but he refuses to even talk about it. My mother is at breaking point as she suffers with ill health & is severely depressed, even hinting that if she was not here anymore they might then have to help my father. He refuses to do anything she asks eg his exercises etc, has thrown hot cups of tea at her with his one good arm& punched her. He needs 24 hr supervision,spends 24 hours a day in one chair that he sleeps in at night. Their living room is too small /a fire risk to have a bed in. My mother can no longer even support him to move from his chair to his frame due to her bad back &shoulder & his deteriorating health, having to resort to finding a neighbour free to help her if he gets agitated and needs to move (due mainly to the pressure sores on his bottom & groin which are that bad they have to be redressed every day by nurse!) She has to sleep on the couch next to him as he needs support through the night & gets agitated if she leaves him. Mum has coped with the worsening verbal abuse due to the dimentia for several years, but it has become increasingly harder to manage since his stroke 6 months ago; The final straw though has been the violence & feels it is no life for either of them. Social services seem to be just passing them from pillow to post for over a month now and she is at her wits end! Suggestions of putting him in nappies then the carers can clean him up later and mum hiding in her bedroom and leaving him on his own when he get aggressive as a long term solution are insulting!! Can anyone please suggest who my mum can go to for help?

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Your mom is right - no one will help until she dies, and that is about to happen, I am afraid. The stress can kill her.

It is time for relatives to intervene and get dad placed where he is getting professional help.
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I was feeling bad for him until you said he punched her. Call his MD and get him moved to a proper facility whether he likes it or not. He sounds like a candidate for Hospice, but the MD is the one who makes the call and orders the care. Social Services will not tolerate the domestic violence, make sure they are aware of all the details. Dementia does not make a person violent, it just makes them unable to hide their aggression anymore. Get him out of there any way you can.
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a doctor can provide you with advice on which long term care facility would be the best option for your dad. It seems that home is no longer sufficient to cater to your dad's worsening dementia, and it is already taking toll on your mom's physical, mental and emotional being.

People with dementia are often abusive because its not only their memory that is affected but their thinking and behavior as well. There are Alzheimer support groups if you think your mom can benefit from it. But remember, long term care dementia patienst, according to infolongtermcare should not be isolated as it will only worsen their condition.

You may also opt to hire a home health aide, maybe two caregivers on a shifting schedule so that someone will still look after him at night. It maybe costly but that is your call if you wish to reduce the burden from your mom's shoulder. If your dad has long term care insurance then call the company and check your options.

Goodluck!
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I'm so sorry that your mom has to go through this. It must be very difficult for her and very difficult for you to witness.

As you are aware, your dad's dementia will only get worse. If he is violent and abusive your mom might want to begin considering a facility that has a memory care unit. I know you wrote that your dad refuses to go but because of his dementia your mom will most likely be able to make the decision on his behalf. He is no longer capable of making decisions on his own.

When someone with dementia gets aggressive going into another room until the behavior passes is usually what is suggested. This is so the person caring for the person with dementia does not get hurt and by going into another room it is the hope that the person with dementia, with no target for their aggression, will settle down if left alone for a few minutes. When we care for someone with dementia in our home there are no long term solutions. It's day by day, trying to get through each day. What works today may not work tomorrow. That is the nature of dementia. An aggressive episode upsets everyone and a little time-out is usually necessary not just for the person with the dementia but for whoever the aggression and/or violence is directed toward.

If your mom is against putting your dad into a memory care unit then how about full-time caregivers? Your mom's options are very limited at this point. From what you wrote she needs help desperately and she has to take care of her own health too. When we're caring for someone with dementia we give everything we've got and now is not a good time for your mom to get sick or down in any way and she is very vulnerable to that right now in caring for your dad. Caring for one parent is difficult enough but caring for two is impossible.

So a facility or full time in home help. I can't think of any other options your mom has at this point. Maybe someone else will come up with another suggestion for you.
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